Freshly Pressed

Yesterday, one of my blog posts, Am I an Adult? was featured on WordPress.com’s “Freshly Pressed” page. Since it has brought me a bunch of new followers over night, I thought I should reintroduce myself. I know you could just scroll back and read some old posts, but I never give up an opportunity to coerce strangers into following me on Twitter.

So me. Here are the most important bullet points to get you up to speed:

  • I moved to LA from New Hampshire about 9 months ago to become a comedic actress/writer.
  • If I wasn’t a comedian I’d be a Special Victims Unit criminal psychologist, B.D. Wong-style. Screen shot 2011-01-20 at 9.22.44 PM
  • My 3 favorite things are Connie Britton, inter species friendships, and that thing on TV shows where wayward children call their foster parents “Mom” and “Dad” for the first time.
  • If you think Amanda Knox did it then you can let yourself out.
  • Related: “Foxy Knoxy’s The Mandy Project” is the most clever thing I’ve ever come up with.

Alright, I think that covers it.

Next, follow me on everything:

Twitter: @daralaine

Instagram: @daralaine

Tumblr: brunchforeverymeal

Facebook: brunchforeverymeal 

Youtube: daralaine

My Podcast: Wine and Whine 

Here’s another post of mine that was Freshly Pressed a little over a year ago, 3 Reasons Why Being Single is (Probably) Better than Dating a Serial Killer. 

Okay, cool. That’s it. Thanks for following!

The Sound of Music Live: A Wine Soaked Recap

You know, I wasn’t hotly anticipating NBC’s Live from LA it’s The Sound of Music! telecast. I just didn’t understand the why’s and the how’s of it all. I even missed the first half hour of it while I was busy catching up on my favorite gay fantasia, Coven. But by the time the episode finished, my glass of limited edition Three Buck Chuck Nouveau was not yet empty, so I decided to check it out. And, wow. Sometimes you don’t know what you want, so the Universe just gives you what you need. 

I think I really went through something while watching this, so I’ll show you my live-tweets, so you get an in-the-moment sense of what happened:

1617So, already I feel like I’m watching The Sound of Music, something I’ve seen a million times, with fresh eyes.

symbolismBut, right? Liesl’s in love and everything’s roses and gazebos at midnight, then one day he’s a Nazi! Like, two minutes ago he was singing about how he’s going to take care of her and now suddenly he is really comfortable with throwing her entire family on a train, and I can tell you, it is NOT going to Clarksville, okay?? Little Marta is going straight to a camp where you do not make lanyards and Rolph won’t even think twice about it because he’s already taken up with some Aryan tart! MEN!!!

Yikes, someone get this girl a Sleepytime tea!

Onward…

Then at some point, this little sliver of Broadway perfection waltzed her way onto the screen and into my heart:

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benantiThen Maria goes back to the Abbey (oh, sorry, are you wondering what my thoughts are on Underwood? I think her deadpan line read was oddly comforting and took me right back to every mediocre community theatre production of The Sound of Music that I saw throughout my childhood. Loved it).

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Then Maria comes back from the abbey because Audra McDonald’s like, look, sex is natural, sex is good, not everybody does it, but you totally can. And then she says you can’t swear off men just because the guy you’re into is marrying someone way better than you. Which I’m guessing is what inspired all those Sex and the City episodes, but if you have half a brain you know that Big leaves Natasha and goes with the blonde woman by the end, anyway.

working girl tweet

Then things took a turn.

benantiiiApparently, I thought it was okay to start roping people I don’t even know into my feminist tirade:

gibbler But leave it to Ronan Farrow to ground us all back in reality.

ronanThen it was 10:30 and I had to go to bed because this thing is way too long. It takes her a half hour JUST TO GET TO THE CHILDREN. I didn’t need to know there was a problem like Maria, just totally unnecessary to the plot except that all those nuns allow for some extra parts for female actors, so I take it all back. 

But I’d say my biggest take away from this television EVENT was:

clarkson Right?

You Should Be Famous

Hi there. How’s your week going so far? Do you like to laugh? Sure you do. That’s why you’re here reading my blog. Did that sound conceited? I didn’t mean it to be. Let’s start over. If you like to laugh, I have a real treat for you: something to make you laugh!

You Should Be Famous is a video created by Jet Eveleth, a teacher I had when I spent a semester my senior year of college at Second City in Chicago. Jet’s like an Improv Pixie Dream Girl, and in this she plays 3 different characters auditioning for an America’s Got Talent-type reality show. It’s very Summer Heights High-ish. So watch the 17 minute teaser and then donate to her indiegogo thing so she can make it into a feature length movie. At what point in this post did I decide to make this the laziest, worst piece of writing I have ever created? First syllable? Byyyye.

A Week Without Fruit, But Full of Freedom

Did everyone have a good 4th of July weekend?

This is what I did:

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Basically, I treated the last week as if it was my birthday where I celebrate for days by binge eating until food doesn’t taste good anymore.

Between yogurt and bagels I ate:

  • 1 hot dog
  • 1 burger
  • 1 quarter pounder with cheese (which is in a burger category all its own)
  • 1 slider (or like, half a burger?)
  • 2 Subway sammiches. Truthfully, it could have been 3.
  • 2 steak tacos from Del Taco
  • Fries on fries on fries.
  • and a kiddie sized Frosty for dipping.
  • Chips on dip on dip.
  • Two spicy chicken sandwiches in less than 24 hours, but one was from McDonald’s while the other was from Wendy’s, and those are two totally different experiences
  • and 2 fried cheesecake bites from the Del Taco drive thru that I couldn’t wait to eat, so I shoveled them into my gullet with one hand and steered into my garage with the other as I watched my trainer neighbor Nick run sprints shirtless on our sidewalk. I pawed sadly at the window and slowly drove passed him.

One day I shall introduce myself to him when my mouth isn’t full of fried saturated fats. But I don’t know when that day would realistically happen….

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LET CHER LIVE!

Tuesday night, Cher performed live on The Voice to mixed reviews from my father. 
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Apparently, the song had something to do with this being a woman’s world, but clearly this is Cher’s universe and we can only be but grateful to be sleeping under the same moon and stars. The woman has paid her dues many times over, and if she wants to live out the twilight of her life looking Rufio from Hook, then we have no business stopping her. May God Bless and keep that rooster-headed drag queen.

ChervsRufio RU-FI-O! RU-FI-O! 

The Greatest Event in Television History

My mom and dad made a home movie I’d like to share with you.

A shot-by-shot recreation of the 80′s TV show Hart to Hart.

If you have a spare 18 minutes to watch this in the middle of a work day, you probably need a laugh, you sad, unemployed loser. I watched this in the minutes before my slave driver roommate woke up and ordered me back to my sewing machine. Yesterday she had me up all night sewing pillows until carpal tunnel set in, and today I’m Von Trapping some curtains for our living room. My tiny, nimble, toddler fingers can barely muster the strength to type this to you. If you are reading this, if anyone reads this(?), please send help. Also send food. I’ve only eaten almond butter and brown rice cakes all week. I’m in the mood for sushi.

The Mindy Project WGA Panel

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Mindy Kaling and Ike Barinholtz (who writes for the show and plays Morgan)

Yesterday, my roommate and I saw a Writer’s Guild panel featuring the writers from The Mindy Project. I brought along a copy of her play, Matt and Ben for her to sign and wore a neon pink jeans/chambray shirt/leopard print loafer outfit picked out with Mindy Kaling’s tastes in mind just incase we ran into her in the parking lot. The Girl Scouts taught me to always be prepared and that Samoas are at optimal deliciousness when consumed frozen.

They screened an episode and talked for an hour about what it’s like writing for the show, and then opened it up to the audience for questions.

Civilians asking celebrities questions is one of my top 100 pet peeves. It hovers around #48 right above people clinking their teeth on metal spoons when they eat. People just want to hear themselves talk. Like, unless James Lipton specifically asks you, no one needs to know what your major is in college. And it’s not necessary for 10 people in a row to thank the panel for coming. You paid to be there. Your gratitude is felt.

I considered asking a question, and I racked my brain for a good one until I realized that the only reason why I wanted to go up there was so Mindy would compliment my outfit and thoughtful question. There would be a witty back and forth between us, then I’d tweet her later that night, and we’d become social media friends until one day her assistant quits and she hires me and I become her protege and spirit sister.

By the by, living with my imagination is exhausting.

So, that was the wrong reason to ask a question, and I decided to just keep my mouth shut.

(But you should have seen my outfit, Mindy would have been so into it).

5 Clues That You Might be a 55 Year-Old Divorcee

I have come to terms with the fact that I am, at heart, a 55 year-old divorcee with adult children too busy to visit me. And I don’t know if you know this, but it’s a huge week for middle aged ladies. Between closing arguments for the Jodi Arias trial starting tomorrow, Amanda Knox’s new book, and back-to-back all new episodes of SVU and Nashville on tonight, I’m just white knuckling it until it’s a socially acceptable time for me to start funneling Ramona Pinot Grigio into my gullet.

WWCBDHow do I know that my spirit is that of a woman with a declining estrogen count and a medicine cabinet full of Prolia? Well, there are some clues:

  1. My lifelong crush on Tom Selleck is now taking a back seat to my new flame: the medical examiner for the Jodi Arias trial. screen-shot-2013-04-25-at-1-11-50-pm
  2. I have come dangerously, dangerously close to calling into Nancy Grace’s show. BUT IN MY DEFENSE!!! I have some really good observations that I don’t think anyone else has thought about!
  3. I also know the first and middle names of both Nancy Grace’s twin children.
  4. As much as I miss Stabler, I think Olivia Benson and Amanda Rollins are the Cagney and Lacey of our time. cagney-and-lacey-pic-bbc-image-1-581892946
  5. Whenever she’s at a juice bar, Mama looooves to add a fiber boost! She’s also no stranger to the Metamucil Apple Crisp Fiber Wafers! I’m Mama!

Speaking of menopausal women, I’d just like to say that Gwyneth Paltrow should be ashamed of herself for allowing her mother to hawk osteoporosis pills on national television. Apparently those Will & Grace residual checks aren’t enough to pay the rent, but you’d think Gwyn could anonymously sell one of her Master Cleanse stained t-shirts on ebay and give her mother the proceeds so she can live out her retirement with dignity.

How dare you turn your back on your mother, Gwyn! Ms. Danner is too classy for this.

gwyneth_paltrow_and_mother_blythe_dannerLook at her! That bitch is regal!

I’m Not Saying Jennifer Lawrence Fell On Purpose…

…but do you think that fall was maybe a little too likeable?

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Sure, I want to be her best friend, and duh, I’ve been replaying that quick shot of her during the “We Saw Your Boobs” song like a GIF in my brain – that moment was second in likeability to the fall. But, I swear on my life, I knew she was going to trip. The instant before it happened, I said to myself, “she’s going to fall.” Does that make me a little psychic or am I just hip to her scam? Both, probably.

Look, I’m not saying she faked it, but I may be saying that she didn’t hoist up the hem of that skirt in the hopes that something very likeable might happen.

And who didn’t love Hugh Jackman rushing to her aid? I loved it. Don’t mistake that. I hear he’s second billing on Jennifer’s Likeability Tour ’13, to which, I have front row seats.