LET CHER LIVE!

Tuesday night, Cher performed live on The Voice to mixed reviews from my father. 
photo-2

Apparently, the song had something to do with this being a woman’s world, but clearly this is Cher’s universe and we can only be but grateful to be sleeping under the same moon and stars. The woman has paid her dues many times over, and if she wants to live out the twilight of her life looking Rufio from Hook, then we have no business stopping her. May God Bless and keep that rooster-headed drag queen.

ChervsRufio RU-FI-O! RU-FI-O! 

5 Things We Can Learn From: Bethenny Frankel

I’ve been a fan of Bethenny Frankel’s since the beginning of Real Housewives of New York City. She was easily my favorite Housewife because unlike the others, she hit that sweet spot of self-awareness for a reality star: just enough where she could have a sense of humor about herself and the show, but not enough where she was above acting like a lunatic at a Creaky Joints charity event.

I think Bethenny lost me sometime during Bethenny Ever After when she started crying in her closet next to Cookie and Ziplock bags of lingerie. Now that she’s getting a divorce from Jason Hoppy, I can only imagine what kind of mess her show would be if she did another season. Not that I wouldn’t have a DVR season pass for Bethenny Getting Her Groove Back With the Help of Hoda Kotb. I would enjoy it for what it would be: an hour long Skinnygirl QVC show with interspersing segments of Bethenny slirping oysters talking about how great casual sex is after 40, while Hoda giggles in embarrassed approval.

"Have you met my friend, Bethenny? She tells it like it is!!!"

“Have you met my friend, Bethenny? She tells it like it is!!!”

Yet, despite the wreck she is, I still think there’s a lot we can learn from Bethenny:

1. You won’t meet the person you’ll spend the rest of your life with at a club, which is how Bethenny and Jason met. If you do meet a hot, single, 40 year-old man while strutting past his bottle service table, it doesn’t mean your vision board is finally working. You’ve just found A 40 YEAR-OLD MAN STILL GETTING BOTTLE SERVICE.

1356295864_bethenny-frankel-main2. If you meet a 40 year-old man at a club and his first words to you are, “are you going to get that stick out of your ass” don’t marry that man! He’s probably going to have issues with non-traditional gender roles!!! I would also argue that if you met a man while you were both volunteering at a children’s hospital, and “are you going to get that stick out of your ass” was the first thing he said to you, it still wouldn’t be a great idea to marry him. He sounds very rude.

3. Crying in a bathroom during your birthday party because you “don’t want all the attention” while you’re miked up for your reality show makes you appear insane. 

bethenny-ever-after-finale-video-bryn4. If you insist on doing the above, do not write a self-help book about overcoming your screwed up childhood. If you’re 40 and still crying in bathrooms at your birthday party, maybe it’s time to let go of the idea that you’re ever going to “overcome” your childhood. Just be proud that you never went through a meth phase in your 20’s.

5. Karma is real, and she will cut you. Look, I love a nice watered down margarita with half the calories and alcohol, and I thank Bethenny for that. However, you can’t be telling ladies they should fill up on salad before Christmas dinner and think you’re going to get away with it. On her show, Bethenny self-righteously scooped out the meat of a few too many bagels for her not to be stricken with a divorce that she would have to eat her way through like a normal woman.

Instagram Caption: "This is my life right now"

Instagram Caption: “This is my life right now”

Bethenny, you did this to yourself. Don’t you tell me you only had a bite of each and threw out the rest. Just let it go.

The Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming a Real Housewife

Step 1: Appearance

You’re going to need a lot of jewel toned (preferably satin), sequined, and/or bandage dresses.

If you are ever unsure of whether your wardrobe, hair or make up is up to the Housewife standard, just ask yourself, “do I look like an aging pageant queen?” If your answer is, “yes, I definitely could have been a second runner-up for Miss America in 1988,” then you have met the minimum requirement to be a New York City Housewife. If you’re aiming for Beverly Hills, The OC, or Miami, you’ll have to keep working until you achieve Miss USA 1997 status. There is no rest for the weary.

Note: Your hair must be at least 1 and a quarter inch bigger in volume than average for every appearance you make in a confessional shot, reunion taping, or Watch What Happens Live episode.

Step 2: Career

Skweez Couture with Jill Zarin

Your choices are limited to: anything related to the sale and consumption of alcohol, a shape wear line designer, pretend singer, pretend author (sorry, Carole Radziwill, but there is reason to believe that you actually wrote your books, so unfortunately, that will not count as an acceptable Housewife career).

Nice bandage dress, Tamra!

Step 3: Dialect

First, don’t knock yourself out trying to pronounce anything correctly, in fact the mispronunciation of every day words and phrases is encouraged.

Try the new language out this weekend: use “vah-kah” instead of “vodka,” as in, “I would like a dirty “vah-kah” martini with blue cheese stuffed olives.” See: Vicki Gunvalson and Ramona Singer.

Second, always speak in metaphor, cliches, euphemism, and sound bites.

Note: Never refer to yourself as a “bitch,” but as a person who “tells it like it is” or “says what everyone else is thinking.”

Step 4: ABC

Always Be Consuming. Preferably a signature cocktail, ie. Pino Grigio, Skinny Girl Margarita, The Vicki G. Martini, etc.

It is a tragedy that I’ve never tried Ramon PG or Teresa’s Fabellini. PR people: Send me some! 

Step 5: Save all arguments with another Housewife for parties and charity events

If you have a grievance with a Wife, don’t bring it up in a phone call or in a private setting. Wait until the next party or charity fashion show to discuss your disagreements, then set up  a white wine lunch to discuss the disagreements brought up at the party or charity fashion show.

……

Good Luck, Ladies! And Gentlemen, don’t be discouraged that you can’t be a Housewife. Just take this advice and you still have a chance at being a Housewife’s gay stylist, and if that doesn’t pan out, consider a fall back career as an America’s Next Top Model runway coach.

My Small Scale Hoarding

I love reality TV which is a huge shock to no one, but what might be fascinating to no one is that I like to group my shows by theme. If a certain show doesn’t fit into one of these categories I probably don’t watch it: Middle Aged Women Fighting, Competitions That Showcase a Minimum of 2 Gay Men, Shows That Make Me Feel Better About Myself, and Southerners (the latter being recently created to make room for a one Miss Honey Boo Boo).

Hoarders: Buried Alive falls into the category Shows That Make Me Feel Better About Myself, and resides alongside Intervention in the subcategory of Things I’m Afraid of Becoming. I watch these shows and think, “hey, I might live with my parents and have no purpose in life, but at least I’m not hiding a bottle of Charles Shaw in a loose floor board in my room.” To ensure things stay that way, I like to take some precautionary measures. Like, sometimes I won’t drink for two weeks just to confirm that I can, and I never drink out of a coffee mug because if Intervention has taught me anything, it’s that once you start drinking wine out of a mug it’s all over.

To make sure I don’t wake up one day and realize I’m sleeping on a bed covered with water damaged pashmina scarves and cat skeletons, I like to go through my room and throw a bunch of stuff out that I haven’t used in a year. Yet, as hard as I try, there are some things I never get rid of because “I might use it one day,” which is like, what a true hoarder has printed up on their business cards.

I picked out some of the things that I’ve been hoarding:

 {My Oprah’s Lifeclass Journal}

I got this for free for signing up for Oprah’s Lifeclass, which is humiliating in-and-of itself. Status: Never Been Used.

 {A promotional “It’s Complicated” Wine Koozie}

I didn’t even like “It’s Complicated” that much. Status: Never Used

 {Two Hotel Room Keys from My Vegas Vacation Last Year}

I planned on scrapbooking one of these keys, but for some reason I need them both. “I’m going to scrapbook this” will go on my gravestone. Status: Never been used except for unlocking a hotel room.

 {A Stripper-y Yacht Hat}

I got this as a souvenir from the Pussycat Dolls cabaret show when I went with my mom to Vegas for my 21st birthday. Holding on to it incase I decide I need to strip my way through law school. Status: Worn once in Vegas. So yes, I wore this in public. And there are pictures. Which probably means I can never run for public office.

 {Empty Egg Carton}

This is where things get real hoarder-y. I mean, this is just straight up trash. I’m saving it for next Easter because I think it’d be cute to put some glitter on it and use it to hold mini cupcakes. But I have to hang on to it for the next year because I don’t know if I’ll be able to find another egg carton by next April. Status: Used once to store actual eggs.

{Arden B. Furry Blazer}

I bought this on sale for $50 7 years ago. At the time I thought it was cute, but it turns out a 16 year old doesn’t need a blue houndstooth blazer for any occasion ever. Now I hold on to it in case I’m ever invited to a 90’s theme party so I can pair it with a teddy bear backpack and go as Amber from Clueless. Status: Still has the tags on it.

I think I really need to go throw this stuff out because as any Hoarders viewer knows, you’re only one traumatic life experience away from living in a messy fort made of broken dreams and empty Activia containers.

‘Courtney’s Countdown’ Ep. 1 Recap

Well, guys, this is everything I’ve ever wanted in my life in one 7 minute Youtube video (5 minutes of actual footage and 2 minutes of just dead air, which I think was a really interesting artistic choice).

Courtney Stodden, our favorite 17 year-old next door, has decided to serve us up some kiddie porn hot and fresh, in the form of her new web series, ‘Courtney’s Countdown.’

Now, just to back track for a second, I was under the impression that Courtney was going to get a real reality show with her husband on some sort of soulless network like E!, but perhaps Ryan Seacrest grew a conscience and thought better of exploiting a minor. I hope not. I hope this is just the precursor to the main event. Ice Loves Coco, but filthy and disgusting and devoid of any real emotion.

Okay, back to the recap. In the pilot episode, titled ‘My Foot Hurts,’ we open on a black screen, with only the words,

Is this a web series about a May-December romance or a Nick Cage movie? Either way, I’m in.

So in the first shot, Courtney, who has obviously been fed a steady diet of ludes by her mother, is propped up Weekend at Bernie’s style to let us know that “Courtney’s Countdown begins in 3….2….1″ proving that Court can not only count, but can do so backwards and in her underwear. I imagine this is on a similar level of difficulty as patting your head and rubbing your stomach. We’re off to a promising start.

In the next montage of clips we see our heroine, going about her daily routine- coming home from a day of shopping, cooking for her husband, not going to high school, not socializing with people within two decades of her own age, etc. – but today, something’s different. Something is off.

Courtney’s foot hurts.

In a phone conversation with her mother (the mensch of a woman we can thank for making Courtney the contributing member of society she is today), Courtney tries to solve the case of the ouch-y foot. The older and wiser Mama Stodden, suggests that it could be that really strenuous photo shoot the other day- Courtney was jumping around, it could be strained. Ice might help, but Courtney’s not buying that, no way. This was the photo shoot Mama Stodden was talking about?

Jesus has risen, y'all!

So after a tense conversation with mom about what dress to wear to her next photo shoot (‘Just do the white dress like I told yoooouuu.’ Mother-daughter relationships never change! Shucks) Courtney makes a quick wardrobe change.

Finally we are introduced to the man of the hour, Court’s 50 year old husband, Doug. In a tender moment between husband and wife (that looks a lot like a tender moment between father and daughter), Courtney confides that her foot hurts, and she thinks, nay, she’s sure that her bunny photo shoot was the culprit for that aching tootsie of hers. Doug respectfully disagrees. He thinks it might be those hooker shoes she wears to go hiking.

Courtney asks, ‘When do you think it will get better?’

‘With time,’ Doug says poignantly.

Like, it should be fine in two weeks. Like, by that photo shoot she has in two weeks.

Then, Doug realizes in a flash that he has the magic antidote:

A kiss!

One Week Later….

We come full circle with a second phone conversation with Mama Stodden. Courtney has visited the doctor, and it’s just a minor sprain. From that photo shoot. Everyone thought it was the shoes, but it’s not the shoes. It was the photo shoot.

Courtney meets up with Doug to reiterate the news from the doctor that we were told 7 seconds ago. It was the shoot. Not the shoes. We all thought it was the shoes. It was not the shoes.

“What do you think about that?” Courtney asks.

“I think I love you.” Doug replies.

And I think I love you, too, Courtney. We all love you.

If you’d like to watch this episode and experience the laughter and the tears first hand, the complete episode is right here.

And remember, only 133 more days until Courtney turns 18!!!

(You Should Watch) “It’s a Brad, Brad World”

So let me first just get it out of the way that I think this show should be called It’s a Big Brad World or perhaps Bad Brad World. I had to get that off my chest because it consumes maybe 8% of my daily thoughts. Anyway, I just wanted to check in and make sure that you are watching It’s a Brad Brad World on Monday nights at 10pm and then 6 more times a day after that (unless there’s a 6 hour Tabatha marathon on instead).

Why should you watch this? Well, where do I start? Bow ties, geometric patterns, brightly colored blazers, and crying (all key ingredients for a successful reality show). I also consider this to be the Will and Grace spin-off that I dream happened instead of Friends doing Joey. Brad’s boyfriend, Gary, was a writer for Will and Grace and he must be a great writer because he talks like a sitcom. The show is funny, light-hearted, and goes down easy like a glass of Arbor Mist. Brad has branched out from Rachel, and by golly, he’s gonna make it, my Mary Tyler Moore!

Okay, totally separate thought….

….I’m beginning to realize that this blog is sashaying dangerously close to being a low-key Bravo blog. This frightens me. What if I just cross that line into insanity? I’ll be one pinot grigio away from desperately begging for retweets from all the Real Housewives’ children. I promise I’ll start limiting myself on Bravo-related posts, and please intervene if I don’t. Also intervene if I start talking about getting bangs again.

RHOBH Season Recap

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills finished it’s second season last week and aired Part 1 of 3 reunion episodes in which they milk fights about derogatory names for shoes, with the real dirt being saved for Part 3.

I have so many thoughts about the whole season, and luckily I at least have this outlet to talk about it. Some people dream about becoming famous and being interviewed by David Letterman, but I dream about being interviewed by Andy Cohen so I can share my scholarly opinion on the Housewives to people who are invested. Unless I get discovered at a gas station tomorrow, my thoughts on Season 2 of RHOBH probably won’t be relevant if I ever do end up as a guest on Watch What Happens Live! so I’m just gonna break it down for you right here while everyone people who don’t watch The Bachelor still know who Lisa Vanderpump is.

{Dana Wilkey}

Let’s start with “The Friends of the Housewives.” Poor Dana/Pam– now if we want to talk desperate housewives, let’s start here. She’s just some poor neglected wife who’s husband has different hoes in assorted area codes (as Brandi hypothesized). In general, she’s harmless (read: boring), but I will say she won me over as the only one who believed Taylor that she was being abused.

{Brandi Glanville}

I have to hand it to Brandi, she garnered herself almost as much air time as the actual Housewives, and I think she can thank her bare nipples and mental instability for that. At first I didn’t love Brandi because she accused Kim of being a crystal meth addict on national television. Which, by the by, there must be some rule set by the producers that you can never mention that you are actually on TV, as to not break the third wall and with it all the magic that comes with catty fights, supposed drug addiction, and an impending suicide.

Anyway, Brandi is obviously out of her ever loving mind, but in a fun way. Like, she’s probably awesome to party with, but you might want to have the number of a cab company on hand because there’s a really good chance she’ll leave you there. I think everyone should have at least one friend like that to shake things up.

{Adrienne Maloof}

I like Adrienne, but she was grasping at straws this season. She’s too levelheaded for this show. At Kyle’s White Party when they decided to kick Taylor and Ike Turner out before they even walked inside, Kyle was a weeping mess, and Adrienne stepped in and point-blank told them they had to go. If you start swinging around the word ‘lawsuit,’ she’s going to send you home with your humiliated abusive husband and go back to eating canapes at the party because old money don’t play like that.

Adrienne’s only drama was with Lisa about Pandora’s decision to have her bachelorette party at Planet Hollywood instead of The Palms. Look, Adrienne. Someone offered to host the event for Lisa, why would she say ‘no’ to the family friend when you hadn’t offered? Also, The Palms is off the Strip while Planet Hollywood is prime real estate. No one wants to party where Trista from The Real World lived for 3 months! Crabs are really contagious!

{Lisa Vanderpump}

One of my favorite things about this season is that you can totally tell at which point business started getting real and the producers didn’t have to manufacture drama anymore. In the first half of the season, they were obviously priming Lisa to be this season’s villain. Camille came off pretty awful last season (she had her children via a surrogate not because she can’t have children but because she has irritable bowel syndrome… meaning sometimes she gets a lil’ constipated. I think that’s actually pretty badass in a sociopathic kind of way), but because of Kelsey Grammer cheating on her, she became a much more sympathetic character. I have to admit, I was really into Camille this season.

{Kelsey and Camille Grammer}

A new villain for season 2 was needed, and a a sarcastic British person seemed to be the most obvious candidate. Then it became apparent that you could just turn a camera on Kim and just let that baby run, so they started laying off Lisa and let her plan her daughter’s backyard barbecue wedding in peace.

{Kim and Kyle Richards}

I don’t have much to say about Kyle other than love or hate her, it appears to me like she’s the best mother on the show and I feel for her that she’s had to deal with Kim her whole life. She can be catty, but overall I feel she’s kind of harmless.

Now Kim. Kim, Kim, Kim. This is a case of a child star who got all of her self worth from being a cute kid or beautiful young woman who could get work. She was already on the decline by the time she was 15 or so, and in my opinion she stopped maturing after her life’s climax when she was in Escape to Witch Mountain. If you don’t believe me, who was the last person that told you they “like to touch the buttons” in a car or elevator? Was it a 47 year-old woman or a 7 year-old?

The whole story line with Kim was so strange- everyone knows this woman has some sort of drug or alcohol problem, meanwhile everyone is telling her how fabulous and skinny she looks. Another weird moment was when they show Kim going through a limo’s trash can as her “gay bull mastiff” of a boyfriend is trying to wrangle her (in what must have been a moment of deja-vu for the on-set Disney child wranglers who used to babysit Kim during her glory days) and the interview clip they decide to use for that moment is just her saying “I’m a Virgo” as some sort of explanation.

Overall, it seemed like Kim was on a totally different show from everyone else… let’s just say I think maybe too many addicts caught wise to the fact that maybe they’re not really in a documentary about addiction, so now the Intervention producers are just telling them they’re being filmed for a documentary about housewives.

Which brings us to your favorite lip implant and mine, Taylor.

{Taylor Armstrong}

First, let me say I feel for Taylor and her daughter Kennedy, but I have never been much of a Taylor fan. Kennedy is essentially the sad little opposite of Violet Affleck. Perpetually miserable, in a really adult, bitter way. I wouldn’t be surprised if she and Suri Cruise commiserate over cigarettes and a liquid lunch at SUR every Tuesday. I think Taylor’s bad parenting skills were particularly evident in the last episode when she walked into Kyle’s house with Kennedy clutching to her like a rabid Koala bear, hiding her face from the camera, and Taylor just gives her a pat on the bum and a, “Go Play with Portia upstairs! That’s the happy child in the second bedroom to your left with two living parents! Mommy just has to film one more episode and then we can get back to your reward chart and grieving the sudden loss of your father!”

C’mon, Taylor!

Taylor’s behavior was understandably erratic this season, and despite my negative feelings towards her, I did find myself siding with her over the other women. The thing that irked me the most this season was that everyone was really skeptical that Russell was actually beating her because she didn’t have bruises around her neck in the shape of a hand, explaining that she walked into a door. Their brilliant reasoning being that if he was beating her, why wouldn’t she just leave?

Are these women too busy starting their different shoe lines to watch any Lifetime movie ever made? If every abused woman left their husband because Adrienne Maloof told them to we might be able to save a lot of lives. Of course good old Faye Resnick pointed out what I thought everyone knew- that many abuse victims stay with their abusers for different reasons, and Dana also pointed out the obvious that if “your girl” says someone hit her, you believe her.

Overall, this was a great, completely morbid, and borderline inappropriate season. Though nothing, not even drug abuse and suicide, can top season one and Alison Dubois.

And for my own viewing pleasure:

 

 I’m exhausted.

Your Weekly Stodden Update

Okay, I promise that after this, I will retire* my coverage of your favorite Christian and mine, Mrs. Courtney Stodden.

*I cannot promise this.

I am considering retiring my Courtney posts because of the Funny or Die video starring her and her husband that came out today.

I know that I’ve made fun of her here, but this whole video was kind of sad for a couple of reasons: 1. I’m not convinced she’s in on the joke. I think she is playing some sort of character, but I wonder if she knows that this whole video is just making fun of her. I know a lot of people might be cynical and say she knows exactly what she’s doing, and maybe she does, but I think she has no idea what the repercussions might be in the future.  2. (And even more sad) No matter what, this girl is still 17, and she has no one protecting her. Everyone in her life would rather get rich off her than do what’s in her best interest (and there has GOT to be someone drugging her up backstage. Courtney, open your eyes! I mean -physically- open your eyes- you look drugged!).

I know she doesn’t look 17, but she still is, and nobody at Funny or Die stopped and thought that while Jason Alexander is putting his phone on her boobs and his hand on her bare legs and making mmmm, huminah-huminah faces, that this girl who looks like a stripper, is still just a girl.

If you want to watch the video it’s right here, I didn’t feel it was ethical to post it on my blog.

Just kidding, I don’t care that much. WordPress wouldn’t let me post the video in the format it’s in.

I Want to Save the Reality Stars

Some people want to save the whales, but if I’m going to put my energy and efforts into a cause, I’d like for it to hit a little closer to home. Something I can really get invested in…. like reality show stars!

As much as I love watching my reality stars on TV, I still hope that one day they’ll gain all the self-respect they need to get a real job and stop doing reality shows. This is why Dina Manzo is my favorite reality show star, because she could do what most could not: voluntarily walk away from a huge show like The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Sure, she has a design show on HGTV, but that’s totally different. One displays her talent for perpetuating negative female stereotypes and the other displays her talent for turning a simple home into an italian rodeo party (which is amazing because I was under the absolutely correct impression that the italian wild west didn’t exist).

I just feel like if anyone gave me 5 minutes with any reality star I could save them. I could help them understand that they haven’t been acting like real humans. Like, someone needs to help me schedule a sit down with Courtney Stodden.

I know she’s not a reality star, but I’m pretty sure she thinks she is and that’s enough for me. Girl is 17 and married to a 51 year old!!! I just need to know why no one has kidnapped her in the middle of the night to rescue her like she’s some 14 year old polygamist wife on a compound! I think we owe this to her! I feel like I just need to have a serious talk with her… like me and then if Whoopi Goldberg is free, I’d love her help. Together, we could really get through to her.

Obviously, no one has ever told her that you can get self-esteem from something other than male approval. And that it might be a good idea to finish high school. And that she looks like a porn star. I can tell her these things. Not in an accusatory way, just a real-talk, let’s-work-together-to-fix-this, way. Maybe Whoopi can mentor her. I think she needs a strong, no non-sense African-American female role model. This relationship would also make for a great movie. Courtney can write/direct it when she’s the 35 year-old empowered woman I know she can be. She can even make a cameo playing her evil, drug addled or abusive or profoundly mentally disturbed mother (I’m not sure which her mom is, but she’s suffering from whatever makes it okay in your brain to sign off on your 16 year-old daughter marrying a 51 year-old).

So, all I’m going to need is Courtney and Whoopi’s numbers and then we can get this intervention rolling. Then after that, I need to have a long talk with Lindsay Lohan.

Teen Mom and Me (It’s Too Late, Baby)

I’ve made a monumental life decision on my way to the allergist, and I thought I would make the official declaration here.

As you may or may not know (or care), I’m an aspiring comedic performer/writer. Once in a while people say I should go for a reality show or something, but I’ve always thought this would be something I would never do because of street cred purposes in the event that I do get successful in legitimate entertainment (Sidenote: I have this running fantasy every time I watch Real Housewives of NJ that I meet Albie Manzo in a NYC bar and we start dating. Then when it gets to the day where the producers of RHONJ want some footage of him with his new girlfriend, I decline to film because I’m too dedicated to being a serious artist. Now Albie knows my love is true and not for fame and Caroline Manzo gives him a speech in their kitchen about how no one’s good enough for her son, but I come close…. sorry, this just got way too real).

So, ANYWAY, I still don’t want to be on some sort of long-running, character driven reality show, but if I’m 35 and have gotten nowhere in my career I can consider it a wash and go out for some sort of show with different people every episode like Say Yes to the Dress or Intervention. I figure at around 35 I’ll be marrying some gay-fty (thanks, Happy Endings… it’s a gay-safety. Basically, a gay man that will marry me if we’re both single by a certain age so we can live out our dream of having our very own daughter…that we adopted from Malawi named Liza.) so, I can definitely go out for one of those wedding shows on TLC. I also think I have a pretty good shot at Hoarders.