This is a rewrite of how the song “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” should go. Please share and subscribe!
Before last night, I hadn’t seen Peter Pan in years, the stage musical or otherwise, but as a little kid, I loved the 1960 Mary Martin version, never questioning Peter’s antics or why a 47 year old woman was playing a pre-pubescent boy.
That all changed last night!!! Watching NBC’s Peter Pan as an adult made me realize what a stone cold garbage monster Pete is!
Like, at best Peter is a total dick, at worst, he’s a high functioning sociopath who despite being, what, like, 100 years old? stalks and manipulates barely pubescent girls into coming away with him to clean his house and tell him what a hero he is, nearly getting them killed in the process. Then he sends them home, but only after telling them some sob story about how after choosing to run away as an infant, he decides years later to return home, only to be completely insulted that his parents didn’t leave a light on for him like they’re running a goddamn Motel 6. Peter gives these girls some damp eyes and a lip quiver, makes them promise to keep their bedroom window unlocked for when he wants to come back, only to actually fly through that window 30 years later to tell them their hands are too crepe-y to go back to Neverland, but can he please have your 12 year old daughter, you old gutter witch?
Also: was Christopher Walken thinking of Natalie Wood when he had to walk the plank or no?
Normally, I am not impressed by viral Youtube proposal videos. It just seems a little narcissistic to me. Yes, the proposer has put time and effort into making this grand gesture, but is it all about creating a romantic experience for your partner or about making it to the homepage of Buzzfeed?
I don’t know how I want to be proposed to, but I do know it would not involve the following:
- Engagement rings tied to dog collars.
- Howie Mandel pranking me.
- Singing of any kind.
- Anything pertaining to high altitude including, but not limited to: hot air balloons, sky writing, or Denver.
- Sporting events, with the exception of Michael Vartan proposing on a pitcher’s mound at a high school baseball playoff game.
- Rings hidden in food or beverages.
- Any sort of public place that puts us at risk of being applauded.
I’m a simple girl who would be happy with just a sweeping declaration of how amazing I am, set in a whimsical location probably equipped with some sort of outdoor lighting, ie: twinkle lights, lanterns, etc. The scene where Freddie Prinze Jr. professes his love for Rachel Leah Cook by the pool in She’s All That comes to mind. (A Never Been Kissed and a She’s All That reference in one post?! Someone call Alicia Keys because this girl is on fire!!!)
With all that said, this Peter Pan proposal video is the weirdest, most entertaining thing I’ve seen in the last 7 hours which means a lot because I spend Monday through Friday looking at all of the internet until nothing is left. Watch it and then see if you agree with my highlights:
- Giant dog pulling focus.
- Is this a steampunk rendition of Peter Pan where they sing “You Raise Me Up” at curtain call?
- If this is how loud Jane cries when she’s being proposed to, how loud will she cry when her youngest child leaves home for good or when she watches her elderly mother descend into senility?
Ah, love! Ain’t it grand?
Back in college, I used to emcee at a karaoke bar. Though I only worked there for a month, I experienced more in that month than most 20 year-old’s should experience in like, two months. During that time, I picked up some lessons along the way, including:
1. If at your job, the new, older security guard who looks like Channing Tatum asks you out upon meeting you, it really is too good to be true. It’s possible that he might smile and you’ll realize he has a missing tooth or maybe he’ll end up getting fired on his first day for calling your manager a bitch. Or both! Yes, surely both.
2. Just because one of your managers has a newborn and says he’s sickened by the men who harass you while you’re trying to work, doesn’t mean he won’t tell you that he thinks he never should have gotten married, and you’re the only one he’s told, and you’re so mature, and do you want to get a drink after work?
3. Everyone sings the same handful of songs.
So, using all of my professional expertise, here are the 10 Karaoke Songs Everyone Sings and What They Say About You:
Shoop by Salt-N-Peppa or Man, I Feel Like a Woman by Shania Twain:
You have a delightful sense of humor and are something of a feminist, interested in uniting the women of the bar, if only for 3 minutes. While we all drunkenly shout through the chorus as one, we are singing for our oppressed sisters around the world who do not have the freedom to hold a GirlZ Night for themselves.
All These Things That I’ve Done by The Killers: You’re a boy in your mid-twenties who has been forced to go to karaoke night for your girlfriend’s best friend’s birthday party. I will hand it to you though, everyone gets hyped for the “I’ve got soul but I’m not a soldier” part.
Fool in the Rain by Led Zeppelin: You’re a man in your mid-forties who has been forced to go to karaoke night for your wife’s best friend’s birthday party. It’s a night out of the suburbs where every wife gets a Moscato and every husband gets a Jack and Coke!
I Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston: You have no self-awareness.
Take Me or Leave Me from “RENT”:
You are a former or current musical theatre kid who will go up and sing no less than 3 times in one night, use all the vibrato you can muster, and then sit in a booth in the back while you complain about how sad it is that any person singing who isn’t you thinks they’re doing really well.
Don’t Stop Believing by Journey or Santeria by Sublime: You have no creativity or imagination.
American Pie by Don McLean or Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin:
You have narcissistic personality disorder and have no regard for other people’s feelings or happiness. I always had the courage to save a room from a 10 minute Led Zeppelin hostage situation and pull the plug on the mic after a verse and a chorus, but not every karaoke emcee is as protective over their audience.
So, based on your favorite karaoke song, what kind of person are you? Honestly, I don’t care as long as you don’t sing Hallelujah.
You know, I wasn’t hotly anticipating NBC’s Live from LA it’s The Sound of Music! telecast. I just didn’t understand the why’s and the how’s of it all. I even missed the first half hour of it while I was busy catching up on my favorite gay fantasia, Coven. But by the time the episode finished, my glass of limited edition Three Buck Chuck Nouveau was not yet empty, so I decided to check it out. And, wow. Sometimes you don’t know what you want, so the Universe just gives you what you need.
I think I really went through something while watching this, so I’ll show you my live-tweets, so you get an in-the-moment sense of what happened:
But, right? Liesl’s in love and everything’s roses and gazebos at midnight, then one day he’s a Nazi! Like, two minutes ago he was singing about how he’s going to take care of her and now suddenly he is really comfortable with throwing her entire family on a train, and I can tell you, it is NOT going to Clarksville, okay?? Little Marta is going straight to a camp where you do not make lanyards and Rolph won’t even think twice about it because he’s already taken up with some Aryan tart! MEN!!!
Yikes, someone get this girl a Sleepytime tea!
Then at some point, this little sliver of Broadway perfection waltzed her way onto the screen and into my heart:
Then Maria goes back to the Abbey (oh, sorry, are you wondering what my thoughts are on Underwood? I think her deadpan line read was oddly comforting and took me right back to every mediocre community theatre production of The Sound of Music that I saw throughout my childhood. Loved it).
Then Maria comes back from the abbey because Audra McDonald’s like, look, sex is natural, sex is good, not everybody does it, but you totally can. And then she says you can’t swear off men just because the guy you’re into is marrying someone way better than you. Which I’m guessing is what inspired all those Sex and the City episodes, but if you have half a brain you know that Big leaves Natasha and goes with the blonde woman by the end, anyway.
Then things took a turn.
Then it was 10:30 and I had to go to bed because this thing is way too long. It takes her a half hour JUST TO GET TO THE CHILDREN. I didn’t need to know there was a problem like Maria, just totally unnecessary to the plot except that all those nuns allow for some extra parts for female actors, so I take it all back.
But I’d say my biggest take away from this television EVENT was:
I realized just now that I’ve never mentioned much about my time in high school on this blog. Since you’re probably having a tough time functioning in normal society without having even a cursory knowledge of my lower educational experience, I will regale you with some stories of my completely typical youth as a musical theatre nerd. I’d tell you about junior high when I was a chubby brunette who believed in fairies and briefly dabbled in Wicca, but that was a dark time we can revisit on another Throwback Thursday.
For now, we can start with the setting for most of my prominent high school memories, my community musical theatre group.
I wish I could say that I spent my weekends drinking in the woods with my field hockey team, but in reality, I didn’t spend any time with people I went to class with. Instead, for most of high school I was in one show or another and I’d spend Saturday nights watching movies like Basket Case in the basement of the girl who played The Baker’s Wife in Into the Woods.
But, listen, we theatre kids had some boozy, all-American Pie style fun, too. I have some fond memories of planning cocktail parties with my best gal pal, Ian:
That’s a little greeting card I made with some vintage MS Paint software. And who is Muffy and Biff? Why, that’s the married, upper class, Connecticut WASP personas we created for ourselves that would throw these parties. Because who else would put out a spread of hors d’oeuvres and request that party guests wear festive cocktail attire? Certainly not high school students.
With all of this information, you might think I was too much of a loser to actually date in high school… and then you’d be WRONG. I had one boyfriend, and he played the Beast in Beauty and the BEAST, thankyouverymuch!!!
Here’s a disposable camera picture of me when I was a sophomore during my boyfriend’s senior prom (ummm, yeah, my boyfriend was 18 AND played the title character in a New Hampshire children’s community theatre production… I can’t believe I wasn’t homecoming queen, either). I remember a few weeks before prom I had just bought my dress, and I was pretty angry with my boyfriend of maybe 5 or 6 months. He told me that saying “I love you” made him “physically ill” and asked if we could please go back to just casually dating? And I was all, “yeah, sure, that probably won’t contribute to any kind of crippling trust issues in my adult life!” But, I questioned whether I was really okay with this new arrangement. My dad told me that I could dump him if I wanted to, regardless of the $400 dress, but I stuck it out for a few more months. Then, a couple days after we went to the Oasis concert I bought us tickets to for his birthday, he dumped me over the phone.
With my best friend and her boyfriend (his best friend), we drove to the summer camp he worked at and I dropped off a bag full of his stuff including some Buddha beads he gave me for Valentine’s Day and his Beauty and the Beast cast tee-shirt. Then we stopped for lunch, and I held back tears in a Boston Market like the little soldier that I am.
After that, I vowed to never date another actor, until I dated another actor in college and, like, really vowed to never date another actor.
Flash forward to my own senior prom: That’s me with my gay date. The proof that he is gay and not my boyfriend is that he has the same hair color as me and I would sooner put out a cigarette in my eye than date a fellow ginger.
I didn’t really want to go to my senior prom, but I knew my mom wanted me to, so I sucked it up. You can really tell that I didn’t care about going since I used the same dress I wore to my sophomore prom and because in that picture my skin color is at its resting tone. If I care about what I’m doing, you better believe I’m bathing in tubs of Jergens natural glow moisturizer until that main event.
Okay, what else, what else…. I own(ed) the Buffy the Vampire Slayer musical episode soundtrack, memorabilia script, and sheet music. I had some blunt bangs for a while. I’d go to Rocky Horror midnight showings, which is the symptom of the worst kind of theatre nerd. So, ya, that was high school for me. A lot of gay people and pancake stage make- up. I wish I had more pictures to show you, but it’s hard to locate them because Facebook wasn’t really a thing then. Which, by the way, thank GOD because I got into enough trouble with my DeadJournal. And then my subsequent LiveJournal. And then Myspace.
I love Smash. I think it’s terribly written, takes itself way too seriously, and includes every TV/Movie cliche imaginable, and yet, I love it still. I love it in the same way I love Degrassi: The Next Generation– it’s so over the top, but if you take it for what it is, you’ll grow to like it…but let me make it clear, I like Degrassi way more than Smash. Basically, any show without Katherine McPhee gets my vote for superior programming.
I did community musical theatre throughout my childhood and teenage years, and Smash is somehow both the most accurate and inaccurate portrayal of the Broadway world I’ve ever seen. Debra Messings’ shapeless sweaters, high buns and scarves? Accurate. A lady performs a technically proficient, but otherwise mediocre version of a pop song for an audition that elicits the producers to put down their falafel wraps, mouths agape because omigod-this-woman-is-so-refreshing? Never happened ever once. And definitely not to
introducing Katherine McPhee.
Take this show with a grain of salt…. and a lime and a shot of tequila. It’s a mindless escape, that I’d like to make more mindless for you with… A DRINKING GAME!
SMASHED: THE NBC’S SMASH DRINKING GAME
Take a sip of your Smash Martini (it’s just a Manhattan… do you get it? I hope you get it. You get it.) every time:
- Anyone mentions “the work.” (Theatre people love to talk about “the work.” As in, It’s all about the work. Just put your head down and do the work.) Take two sips if they use the word “important” to describe “the work.”
- Tom’s assistant spies on someone.
- Julia or her husband mention any form of the word “adopt.” (Which, by the way, is the worst, most non-sensical B-plot in TV. I can say this with conviction).
- Angelica Houston has a cup o’booze, like the old theatre broad that she is. Three sips if she throws it in someone’s face.
- Another character tries to convince the audience that despite Kat McPhee’s character Karen (but pronounced by nearly everyone as kAAAH-ren) having an emotionless face and no stage presence, she is going to be a STAR! Or she’s got that special something! What is it about that girl?!
- Kaaaaahren looks like a bewildered and self-conscious doe in the woods (Karen is so INNOCENT and from IOWA so her reaction to everything must be humble confusion. [If you haven’t figured it out, Kaaahren will serve as this shows ‘Virgin,’ while Ivy Lynn and her scandalous name will be filling the role of ‘Whore.’])
- Someone tries to explain What Marilyn Would Do and How Does She Compare to Marilyn? As in, “Ivy is too perfect at the role, and Marilyn didn’t try so hard!” or “You’re just like Marilyn’s first agent who always protected her!” and “Let’s watch Some Like it Hot while we get it on to see how Marilyn did it because you are so sexless and innocent, Kaaahren!”
- They essentially plagiarize a scene from Black Swan when the director of the Marilyn show is a sexual predator towards any woman in his eye-line under the age of 35.
These same 5 things just happen over and over again in the script, so you should be pretty drunk by the end of this. Happy Drinking.