I love reality TV which is a huge shock to no one, but what might be fascinating to no one is that I like to group my shows by theme. If a certain show doesn’t fit into one of these categories I probably don’t watch it: Middle Aged Women Fighting, Competitions That Showcase a Minimum of 2 Gay Men, Shows That Make Me Feel Better About Myself, and Southerners (the latter being recently created to make room for a one Miss Honey Boo Boo).

Hoarders: Buried Alive falls into the category Shows That Make Me Feel Better About Myself, and resides alongside Intervention in the subcategory of Things I’m Afraid of Becoming. I watch these shows and think, “hey, I might live with my parents and have no purpose in life, but at least I’m not hiding a bottle of Charles Shaw in a loose floor board in my room.” To ensure things stay that way, I like to take some precautionary measures. Like, sometimes I won’t drink for two weeks just to confirm that I can, and I never drink out of a coffee mug because if Intervention has taught me anything, it’s that once you start drinking wine out of a mug it’s all over.

To make sure I don’t wake up one day and realize I’m sleeping on a bed covered with water damaged pashmina scarves and cat skeletons, I like to go through my room and throw a bunch of stuff out that I haven’t used in a year. Yet, as hard as I try, there are some things I never get rid of because “I might use it one day,” which is like, what a true hoarder has printed up on their business cards.

I picked out some of the things that I’ve been hoarding:

 {My Oprah’s Lifeclass Journal}

I got this for free for signing up for Oprah’s Lifeclass, which is humiliating in-and-of itself. Status: Never Been Used.

 {A promotional “It’s Complicated” Wine Koozie}

I didn’t even like “It’s Complicated” that much. Status: Never Used

 {Two Hotel Room Keys from My Vegas Vacation Last Year}

I planned on scrapbooking one of these keys, but for some reason I need them both. “I’m going to scrapbook this” will go on my gravestone. Status: Never been used except for unlocking a hotel room.

 {A Stripper-y Yacht Hat}

I got this as a souvenir from the Pussycat Dolls cabaret show when I went with my mom to Vegas for my 21st birthday. Holding on to it incase I decide I need to strip my way through law school. Status: Worn once in Vegas. So yes, I wore this in public. And there are pictures. Which probably means I can never run for public office.

 {Empty Egg Carton}

This is where things get real hoarder-y. I mean, this is just straight up trash. I’m saving it for next Easter because I think it’d be cute to put some glitter on it and use it to hold mini cupcakes. But I have to hang on to it for the next year because I don’t know if I’ll be able to find another egg carton by next April. Status: Used once to store actual eggs.

{Arden B. Furry Blazer}

I bought this on sale for $50 7 years ago. At the time I thought it was cute, but it turns out a 16 year old doesn’t need a blue houndstooth blazer for any occasion ever. Now I hold on to it in case I’m ever invited to a 90′s theme party so I can pair it with a teddy bear backpack and go as Amber from Clueless. Status: Still has the tags on it.

I think I really need to go throw this stuff out because as any Hoarders viewer knows, you’re only one traumatic life experience away from living in a messy fort made of broken dreams and empty Activia containers.