Snack Chat: Online Dating and My Tinder Criteria

Watch me talk about my OkCupid date with a guy named Scooter, (all while secretly doing some sort of Zooey Deschanel impression? So quirky!) Take it all in for your viewing pleasure, then like it, then read an old post I wrote about Tinder, below.

My Tinder Criteria

You people know about the dating app Tinder by now, right? Well, in case you just got out of a year long relationship yesterday and previously had no need to troll the internet for a butt you could bounce change off of or abs you could wash your delicates on, I’ll explain how it works.

It’s very simple- you sign in with Facebook, it shows a couple of your profile pics, and people can either “nope” you or “like” you. If you’re noped, it goes to the next person, if you’re liked and you like them back, it’s a match, and you can chat. Basically, you just judge people on whether you think they’re hot enough to potentially date. There’s also the option to see if you have mutual friends or Facebook interests and to write a small profile, but really it’s just about looks because the novelty of two people listing Friday Night Lights as their favorite show wears off quickly.

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I don’t plan on messaging or meeting anyone because it all sounds to me like a death trap. A free app where you don’t even post your full name and people only pick you based on your looks just sounds like a place where really kinky serial killers go to find red heads with blue eyes so they can torture them (me) for a week then put your (my) severed fingers in a deep fryer. Regardless, reducing a human being’s worth to what they look like in 5 pictures and then choosing whether to “next” them or validate them as individuals turns out to be a strangely therapeutic way to pass the time!

I’ve already developed a quick system on how I nope people. My best advice is to have some hard and fast bottom lines on Tinder or any online dating site because you don’t have time to meet every stranger you come across. Have some personal deal breakers set up before you even get started so you can breeze through those profiles. Here are mine:

Guys wearing fedoras. I like to keep to that standard both online and in life.

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Guys in front of a step-and-repeat (I’m only being shown LA guys).

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Professional headshots (I’m only being shown LA guys).

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Guys in tank tops.

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Guys wearing tank tops in their professional headshots.

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Anything featuring an instrument. 

guitar

This guy just looks like a handful.

Guys taking their own picture in the mirror. 

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Pictures with kids in them (are they yours?!).

Except this guy. They look so adorable, and she’s probably his niece.

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Nope, definitely this guy. He’s a monster and that little girl is a decoy.

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And whatever is happening in this picture. 

pickle Predator!!! Predator!!!

What’s kind of things do you see on Tinder that makes you nope a person? A man taking a picture with two young ladies eating a phallic object Lady and the Trap style? I hope so!

Life Hack: Kidnapping

Here’s a quick life hack (I have a very loose grasp on the definition of “life hack”):

Consider giving your roommate or a family member an approved photo of yourself in case of your unfortunate disappearance at the hands of, no doubt, some male deviant. If your emergency contact doesn’t have a photo they can quickly hand over to the press or to the screen printer, then your “Find Samantha” t-shirts will end up with some random Huey, Duey, and Luey kissy-faced picture that was pulled from your personal Instagram account.

Like what if some journalist published this on LAist.com?

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Me as Hipster Ariel on Halloween taking a selfie in a bathroom mirror is not exactly the kind narrative I’d like to have portrayed to the world.

Now this picture:

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Aren’t I sweet? I’m wearing matching jammies with a mom who loves me very much! Don’t you want to find me??? My hair is freshly dyed, my face is looking vuuury thin, this is this is the sort of picture you want to use!

Listen, if you’re fighting for your life in the trunk of an old Honda Civic,wouldn’t you at least like the peace of mind that you have full creative control over your disappearance?

Tyra Mail

My most controversial blog post to date, The More You Know: Men in Sweatpants, is still garnering negative attention from humorless men across the internet over 2 years since its initial posting. (Disclaimer: if you do check out that post, please don’t judge me for the writing or subject matter. It was two years ago!)

I somehow missed this gem that was gifted me last month:
photo tumblr_inline_mgmzaaT1od1rxis0k Sorry, Jaks. You’ve underestimated me. Leaving a snippy comment on here is the equivalent of Ms. Banks slipping some Tyra Mail under my door, so thank yewwww.

tumblr_n1ewew36II1s63c00o1_250 Meanwhile, I’m probably helping countless young men out there, guiding them through the trials and tribulation of adolescence. This is what I found on my Site Statistic page today:

photo If I can touch the life of even one lost and confused boy out there…….. well, then I probably don’t have to be a Big Brothers/Big Sisters volunteer which I’ve considered doing countless times.

Make A Woman Out of Me – Kathryn Gallagher (Sunrise Sessions)

You might have read Kathryn Gallagher’s name on this blog before as she is my podcast co-host for Wine and Whine, but what you might not know is that she is also my 90′s Teen Witch Moon Princess with the voice of an angel and the brows of a 14 year old Brooke Shields.

Kathryn is a great singer and songwriter, and I could best describe her as T-Swift rolled in flannel and sprinkled with Stevie Nicks fairy dust. My little Rose Quartz Yoga Nymph released the first video from her Sunrise Sessions where she sings a very sexy song to get you in the mood for your evening lovemaking. Watch it, like it, tell all your friends. Then subscribe to her on YouTube and watch her music video for the song “Damaged” that she wrote and performed for the movie Thanks For Sharing which is a film featuring noted juice cleanser, Gwyneth Paltrow and professional aerialist, P!nk.

And listen to Wine and Whine Podcast on iTunes, Libsyn, and Stitcher… Rate/Subscribe/Write a review!!!

Wine and Whine, Ep 9: Sosie Bacon

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In this episode we whine with this year’s Miss Golden Globe, Sosie Bacon while we drink some Pinot Grigio she stole from her parents’ wine cellar. 

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Expect to hear:

Golden Globes stories!

Us breaking down whether or not we’ve dated sociopaths!

Kathryn working through her patchy history with dead dogs!

And then more talk of people with anti-social personality disorders!

Find us on iTunes and Stitcher! Rate/Subscribe!

Twitter: @wineandwhinepod

@KathrynG

@DaraLaine

and follow our guest @realsosiebacon but please do not hold that Twitter handle against her, it was an accident.

Instagram: @wineandwhinepodcast

and @SosieBacon

Happy Singles Awareness Day

JUST KIDDING, DUMMIES, I HAVE A DATE THIS YEAR!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHDHAHDAUIHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!@@!!!!!!!!!!!

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Sorry to gloat. If it makes you feel any better, I ate a Sprinkles cupcake and a mocha latte for breakfast and now I feel sick….

……except I don’t even care because they were both free, compliments of my office building!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! anigif_enhanced-buzz-350-1378883218-16

Wine and Whine Podcast: Shannon Amabile

imageOn today’s episode of Wine and Whine, Kathryn and I talk to my friend Shannon Amabile, hilarious comedian and astrology extraordinaire. Listen to Kathryn and me say things like “OMG, you are SUCH a Leo” for an hour and 13 minutes, with references to Amanda Knox sprinkled in. This is our favorite episode so far and a great time was had by all. Probably because we drank sparkling rose and OJ, then stopped recording to get some 7-11 white zin to keep the party going.

You guys can listen to us on Stitcher now! It’s a cool app you can download and make podcast playlists.

And we’re on iTunes! Do us a favsie and rate/subscribe?

Tweet us at @wineandwhinepod

Follow our guest, @shannonamabile

Follow my co-host Kathryn @KathrynG

Follow me @Daralaine

And email us hate mail at wineandwhinepodcast@gmail.com

Wine and Whine Podcast, Ep 6: Middle School

On today’s episode of Wine and Whine, Kathryn and I drink Portes de Bordeaux Sauvignon Blanc and talk about our experiences in middle school!

This is Kathryn (right) who attended a private school in Los Angeles.

middle school kathAnd this is Dara, who lived out her ugly stage against the backdrop of a New Hampshire public school.

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Will these two gals have any similar adolescent experiences?

You bet!

Juicy couture!

Punk phases!

Being tortured by heartless 13 year olds!

and much, much more!

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN! 

And follow us on Twitter: @wineandwhinepod @KathrynG and @Daralaine

or on Instagram @wineandwhinepodcast

New episodes every Wednesday!

Oscar Best Picture Challenge: “American Hustle”

Last year during Oscar season, the only nominated picture I saw was Argo. Though it was fun making Oscar predictions based on an affinity for an actor’s hair color or previous movies that they’ve made, I’ve decided to challenge myself and see each Best Picture nominee before the winners are announced, then give you a little review!

So, luckily, I had already seen one of the movies during Christmas, American Hustle. Even luckier, I did not sneak wine into the theater on this one occasion, so I can recall the beginning, middle, and end to an extent. Here is my review:

american-hustle-poster-636-380Great breasts, both male and female, throughout the film, from all parties. Special mention to Amy’s side and middle breasts. Hair. The other half of that guy’s face from Boardwalk Empire. I could have done without the entire first hour of the movie. Louie CK can just play himself in every movie if he wants, I’m fine with it. Jennifer Lawrence, who? Amy Adams is the unsung hero in my book, do you remember that she was in Drop Dead Gorgeous? Carmine’s wife was pretty legit. Nail polish. Am I the only one who is afraid of David O’Russell based on the stories the actors tell about him on late night shows? The 60′s, who? The 70′s is the unsung hero of all the decades in my book. Disco and perms and whatnot? That was the point of the film, correct?

Overall, the American Hustle was nice to look at, especially the breasts belonging to all parties, male and female.

Agree? Disagree? (Only tell me if you agree, this is my blog, don’t be rude).

Peter Pan Proposal Video

Normally, I am not impressed by viral Youtube proposal videos. It just seems a little narcissistic to me. Yes, the proposer has put time and effort into making this grand gesture, but is it all about creating a romantic experience for your partner or about making it to the homepage of Buzzfeed?

I don’t know how I want to be proposed to, but I do know it would not involve the following:

  • Engagement rings tied to dog collars.
  • Flashmobs
  • Howie Mandel pranking me.
  • Singing of any kind.
  • Anything pertaining to high altitude including, but not limited to: hot air balloons, sky writing, or Denver.
  • Sporting events, with the exception of Michael Vartan proposing on a pitcher’s mound at a high school baseball playoff game.
  • Rings hidden in food or beverages.
  • Any sort of public place that puts us at risk of being applauded.

I’m a simple girl who would be happy with just a sweeping declaration of how amazing I am, set in a whimsical location probably equipped with some sort of outdoor lighting, ie: twinkle lights, lanterns, etc. The scene where Freddie Prinze Jr. professes his love for Rachel Leah Cook by the pool in She’s All That comes to mind. (A Never Been Kissed andShe’s All That reference in one post?! Someone call Alicia Keys because this girl is on fire!!!)

With all that said, this Peter Pan proposal video is the weirdest, most entertaining thing I’ve seen in the last 7 hours which means a lot because I spend Monday through Friday looking at all of the internet until nothing is left. Watch it and then see if you agree with my highlights:

  • Giant dog pulling focus.
  • Is this a steampunk rendition of Peter Pan where they sing “You Raise Me Up” at curtain call?
  • If this is how loud Jane cries when she’s being proposed to, how loud will she cry when her youngest child leaves home for good or when she watches her elderly mother descend into senility?

Ah, love! Ain’t it grand?