Life Hack: Kidnapping

Here’s a quick life hack (I have a very loose grasp on the definition of “life hack”):

Consider giving your roommate or a family member an approved photo of yourself in case of your unfortunate disappearance at the hands of, no doubt, some male deviant. If your emergency contact doesn’t have a photo they can quickly hand over to the press or to the screen printer, then your “Find Samantha” t-shirts will end up with some random Huey, Duey, and Luey kissy-faced picture that was pulled from your personal Instagram account.

Like what if some journalist published this on LAist.com?

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Me as Hipster Ariel on Halloween taking a selfie in a bathroom mirror is not exactly the kind narrative I’d like to have portrayed to the world.

Now this picture:

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Aren’t I sweet? I’m wearing matching jammies with a mom who loves me very much! Don’t you want to find me??? My hair is freshly dyed, my face is looking vuuury thin, this is this is the sort of picture you want to use!

Listen, if you’re fighting for your life in the trunk of an old Honda Civic,wouldn’t you at least like the peace of mind that you have full creative control over your disappearance?

Tyra Mail

My most controversial blog post to date, The More You Know: Men in Sweatpants, is still garnering negative attention from humorless men across the internet over 2 years since its initial posting. (Disclaimer: if you do check out that post, please don’t judge me for the writing or subject matter. It was two years ago!)

I somehow missed this gem that was gifted me last month:
photo tumblr_inline_mgmzaaT1od1rxis0k Sorry, Jaks. You’ve underestimated me. Leaving a snippy comment on here is the equivalent of Ms. Banks slipping some Tyra Mail under my door, so thank yewwww.

tumblr_n1ewew36II1s63c00o1_250 Meanwhile, I’m probably helping countless young men out there, guiding them through the trials and tribulation of adolescence. This is what I found on my Site Statistic page today:

photo If I can touch the life of even one lost and confused boy out there…….. well, then I probably don’t have to be a Big Brothers/Big Sisters volunteer which I’ve considered doing countless times.

Make A Woman Out of Me – Kathryn Gallagher (Sunrise Sessions)

You might have read Kathryn Gallagher’s name on this blog before as she is my podcast co-host for Wine and Whine, but what you might not know is that she is also my 90′s Teen Witch Moon Princess with the voice of an angel and the brows of a 14 year old Brooke Shields.

Kathryn is a great singer and songwriter, and I could best describe her as T-Swift rolled in flannel and sprinkled with Stevie Nicks fairy dust. My little Rose Quartz Yoga Nymph released the first video from her Sunrise Sessions where she sings a very sexy song to get you in the mood for your evening lovemaking. Watch it, like it, tell all your friends. Then subscribe to her on YouTube and watch her music video for the song “Damaged” that she wrote and performed for the movie Thanks For Sharing which is a film featuring noted juice cleanser, Gwyneth Paltrow and professional aerialist, P!nk.

And listen to Wine and Whine Podcast on iTunes, Libsyn, and Stitcher… Rate/Subscribe/Write a review!!!

Happy Singles Awareness Day

JUST KIDDING, DUMMIES, I HAVE A DATE THIS YEAR!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHDHAHDAUIHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!@@!!!!!!!!!!!

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Sorry to gloat. If it makes you feel any better, I ate a Sprinkles cupcake and a mocha latte for breakfast and now I feel sick….

……except I don’t even care because they were both free, compliments of my office building!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! anigif_enhanced-buzz-350-1378883218-16

Cro-nuts for Crumbnuts

How’s my week going?

Well, I almost drove into oncoming traffic while looking at a poster for cronuts in the Crumbs Cupcakes window, I’ve been commuting 45 minutes to work in a car with no A/C in 100 degree weather, and at one point, a Trader Joe’s cashier seemed genuinely concerned for my well-being. 

Overall, I find TJ’s employees to be way too prying and overly friendly. I appreciate them asking if I have a fun weekend planned, but they always take that next step too far and ask me what I’m doing. You have checked my ID and can see I’m a 24-year-old buying only $4 wine, egg whites, a quart of skim milk, and Ezekiel bread, so what do you think I’m doing? Eating an egg sandwich for dinner, drinking a glass of wine while listening to “Bad Girls” by MIA, then teetering around West Hollywood in cork wedges, desperately trying to make a human connection with a man I hope won’t slip a rohypnal into whatever variation of a gin and elderflower cocktail I’m drinking. Like, why bother asking?

Anyway, my cashier made some intense eye contact and asked if I was okay, then proceeded to tell me how I have “beautiful eyes, and do I get that a lot?, and I just think this world is just such a hard place and we should all be kinder to each other and compliment each other more.” Now, I could, could have launched into a feminist tirade about how he would never say that to a male customer, and why does he assume that my emotional well-being is tied to a strange man’s approval of my appearance, BUT. But. He meant well. I think he gave himself a pat on the back for probably saving me from turning on some Patsy Cline and Girl, Interrupting myself in a warm bath. And let him think that.

In reality, though, I just have something called a Resting Bitch Face, so people are constantly asking if I’m okay.

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Anyway, anyway. Crumbnuts. Probably the best part of my week? They’re just a cross between a donut and a croissant, though I will go out on a limb and say these particular cronut knock-offs are just a croissant shaped like a donut, filled with Bavarian creme. Still good, though I felt like a garbage can after I finished it. God did not intend for humans to eat cronuts. Or movie theatre nachos. Or Dominos stuffed cheesy bread. Yet here we are, and here we shall remain. Human trash compactors.

Sorry, does this sound like a suicide note?

If you’re interested in reading something that doesn’t sound like it was written in Winona Ryder’s journal circa 1992, you should check out Kasey’s Kitchen, a blog written by my coworker, without whom, those cronuts would not be possible. She had a bunch of Crumbs gift cards and a dream.

Also, formal apology to Kasey for including her in my bell-jar of a blog post.

HeTexted.com: The Saddest Corner of the Internet

Recently, I’ve realized that Facebook is passing some major judgement on my lifestyle, as all the ads they post for me now involve cleaning supplies and services, rehab facilities, and general websites involving where and how to find a boyfriend. I knew that Mark Zuckerberg had a feminine face, but I didn’t know he was my mother– amiright, ladies? HA-CHA-CHA-CHA! (I’m working day and night on my Catskill/1980′s female comedian hybrid character, so I don’t even have TIME to date).

The other day Facebook suggested this little gem, and in the process, insulted my intelligence:

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HeTexted.com has 3 components: A blog, a forum where you can ask for boy advice and people can respond and vote whether he’s “into you” or not (democracy hard at work!), and “ask a bro.”

Besides invading Iraq looking for WMD’s, I literally can’t think of a more terrible idea than this website (guys, how smart did I just sound?). Women and girls don’t need a forum to over-analyze men together from across the globe.

I understand that sometimes you need advice from your friends. I ask for it a lot and I love to sit down with a gal pal and draw out a venn diagram or a pro’s and con’s list over some Sauv Blaahhhh to decide if we should break up with her boyfriend. However, as I get older I have begun to realize that just because they’re your friends, doesn’t mean they give sound advice. If I have trouble figuring out if my friends can be trusted with my romantic problems, how can I be assured that these faceless, internet dum-dums know what they’re talking about?

Just judging by their blog, it doesn’t seem like you should trust this website.

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First sentence out of the gate: “Let’s talk girl crushes.”

No. Don’t. I can’t stand this phrase. Just say what you actually mean– you think this woman is cool and pretty and you would like to be friends with her. You don’t have to add a “no-homo” stamp of clarification. Nobody thinks you plan to go Orange-is-the-New-Black on her lady bits. Unless you do, in which case it’s just a crush.

Already I don’t feel good about these people. Next post:

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NOPE! NOOOOPE! A bad Sex and the City reference (“Single and the City” is arguably redundant) coupled with a New Girl picture? These are a bunch of 22 year-old girls with brand new journalism degrees, sitting around Starbucks in their H&M blazers, blogging and taking selfies hashtagged #riseandgrind. I’m sure they could tell you how to highlight your eyes like Kim Kardashian (hint: it involves NARS blush in Albatross), but putting your love life in their young, stupid hands is not advisable.

And do women really need advice on guys? Deep down, don’t you already know what’s up? Like this girl:

20130822-102607.jpgThis is just depressing. Is asking the audience really necessary here? And they’re all like this. A lot of the questions seem to be from teenagers, but just as many are definitely from women who are at least in their 20′s. There are just so many things that your time would be better spent on than sitting at a computer obsessing over guys. If you find yourself obsessing, you can do what I do to get my mind off of it: listen to a podcast or meditate or drink a bottle of wine and sing through the Buffy the Vampire Slayer musical episode after your apartment’s quiet hours, aka just doing me.

Happy Friday, Gwyneth Paltrow!

That goop article you’ve been slaving over can wait until Monday, so put down your hemp seed detox smoothie and pick up a cold glass of Sauv Blah because it’s the weekend, Gwyneth!
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I’m excited, too!

BTW Gwyney, you fill out a snake skin bikini like a dream.

I’m working today, but I started my weekend festivities yesterday at a party celebrating the opening of a Warby Parker store in The Standard Hotel in West Hollywood. Was it worth staying out so late when I had to wake up so early for work the next day? Well, I got a free canvas tote bag containing a one-size-fits-not-me pair of slippers, so you be the judge (and duh. Of course it was worth it because all women inexplicably love free tote bags that we pack our lunch in once and then never use again).

Plus Mischa Barton was there. It was coolish to have Mischa Barton at that party, but maybe not cool to be Mischa Barton at that party. Like I said, free tote bag, but basically the event was just a bunch of hipsters in affordable glasses and skinny ties standing next to a pool. And wasn’t it just The OC’s 10 year anniversary? Surely there’s some Buzzfeed article about it floating around that might give her popularity a little resurgance granting her access to cooler parties. Or maybe she could just stay home. I’m not a fan of hers or anything so I don’t know her substance abuse history like I do Lindsay Lohan’s or Laurie Forman’s from That 70′s Show (RIP), but she definitely feels like someone who shouldn’t be drinking. Regardless, being in her presence is just cool enough to my hipper East Coast relatives that when they point out that I could be a secretary in New Hampshire too, I can counter with the lie that I live a fabulous LA lifestyle.

Plus, I can’t be a secretary in glamourous Beverly Hills in New Hampshire, can I? Uh-no.

Submit a Q: What Do Women Want?

Finally, finally, ladies and gaybies, someone has submitted an advice question for the blog.

Let’s change some lives, shall we?

What do women in their late 20s REALLY want in a man? Be brutally honest.

-Auspicious in Austin
33/Guy

Well, Auspicious in Austin (AA), I’d like to start by saying thank you for the kicky use of alliteration in your sign-off. We can all agree that it adds a certain whimsy to this whole experience. 

Now, what do women in their late 20′s really want? Maybe I’m not fully equipped to answer this because I won’t be a woman in my late 20′s for another 2 and half months, but lucky for you, one of my great talents is speaking confidently about subjects I know nothing about.

So, this is kind of a broad question. Do you mean this in the context of what do women want so you can entice them and get their phone numbers? In this case of first impressions/surface attraction, it’s all very subjective, but I suppose my best advice is be attractive or funny. If you posess neither of those attributes, then I guess just be patient because if Yoran Van der Sloot can find a girlfriend, then that’s solid proof of there being a pot for every lid.

If your problem is that you can’t keep a woman after a date or two, then I can think of at least a few things that women are looking for:

  1. I get that you’re 33 and this might seem obvious, but do you have a bed frame or is your mattress on the floor? I thought this was basic, but I’m learning more and more that it isn’t. If this does describe your living situation, then just hit up Ikea and make the investment and I promise you’ll have a girlfriend by next week. I just had to double check.
  2. Are you still asking women to “hang out”? Have you ever heard Don Draper ask a woman to hang out? Absolutely not. You are a man now, ask a woman if you can take her out for a drink or something. And call her the first time, you idiot. These things aren’t deal breakers to women, but if you do take this advice I promise she will notice so much as to tell her friends about it.
  3. What’s your teeth situation? One time, this guy who looked like Channing Tatum asked me out, but he had a missing tooth, and that was a deal breaker. He was also a janitor. No offense to janitors. Anyway, make sure you have nice teeth. Don’t be coy with a Crest White Strip.
  4. Do what you say you’re going to do. I promise that a woman will be way more impressed if you call her to make plans when you say you will. Also, don’t wait a really long time to call and make plans between dates. Wait, you’re 33, you must have seen either a movie or TV show featuring two women talking to each other. This is, like, the only thing they discuss, so you should know we want this by now.
  5. Be transparent and upfront. Just say what you’re looking for- whether you want a relationship, whether you like her, etc. The worst part about dating is not knowing what the other person is about. I mean, a woman and her roommate can analyze a text message down to whether you used one “k” or two (“kk”) in a text (they mean completely different things in the context of dating!!!) so just don’t make her guess because I’ve probably created a really long narrative about what you’re doing and thinking from that alone. She’s. She’s probably created a really long narrative.
  6. Speaking from experience, when on a date don’t brag about doing illicit drugs with a (blind item) recently deceased addict known for singing and dancing on a Fox television show. Listening to your stories about doing “mountains of coke” in Vegas is, decidely, not what women want. Does this not apply to everyone?
  7. Be nice? I guess that’s what people want, but I think women fall under the “human” category.

So, this was helpful to no one. Bummer for you, AA. Good luck!

If you want some advice, head over to the “Submit a Question” page at the top of the blog and I can be of no use to you as well!

10 Signs That Somebody Doesn’t Care About Your Quarter-Life Crisis

1. Are you talking to: your great grandparents?

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I guess what may be worse than not being able to find a job in your chosen field right out of college is having to get a full time job at 12 so your family can afford boots. So if wearing shoe boxes on your feet and having a 6th grade education is a symptom of The Great Depression, then not being able to afford a 3-day juice cleanse after you binge ate Dominos and beer would be called The Not So Bummer Summer?

2. Are you talking to: Lena Dunham?

Remember in her Golden Globes speech when Lena said she was thankful for having her own show because it “made her feel less alone?” I, for one, am so pleased that my viewership could make Lena feel like she had a place in this world, (just as I’m sure certified old ladies, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, were thrilled to hear that their work got Lena through middle school) but something tells me that a 26 year-old millionaire can’t quite relate to me and my folding card table dining room set.

3. Are you talking to: someone who couldn’t afford to go to college?

In that case, they probably don’t have a ton of sympathy for someone who for a full four years after high school only had to worry about things like getting a passing grade on an essay titled “A Queer Analysis of Xena: Warrior Princess” (a real paper I wrote) while they were out there paying bills and starting a career at 18. Meanwhile, at this point in their lives they’re making bank as an electrician or whatever and you’re sitting at your folding card table writing in your blog. You chose to go to art school, now you have to live with the consequences.

4. Are you talking to: your parents?

How much are they paying for your student loans every month while their retirement slowly slips away from them just so you could go to college and have a life that was better than theirs? K.

5. Are you talking to: the Government?

LOL

6. Are you talking to: your alma mater?

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The second I graduated they started asking me for donations, so they don’t seem super concerned that I’ve lived in my apartment for four months and I still don’t own curtains.

7. Are you talking to: anyone over 30?

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Despite graduating into a Clinton-Gore utopia, they still went through the exact same transitional phase that you are going through now. Go Netflix Reality Bites and I’ll prove it. And before you ask, that’s Janeane Garofalo, not Aubrey Plaza. Then go watch The Graduate. You didn’t invent floating around in your parents’ pool depressed for the entire summer after graduation.

8. Are you talking to: anyone under 30?

They don’t think this will happen to them. In their eyes, you are just a sad old person.

9. Are you talking to: me?

Just because you moved out of your hometown doesn’t make your champagne problems more interesting or important. I care as much about my high school friends’ babies as I do about my college friends’ webseries called Post Grad Probs and Post Gradz and #PostGradLife.

10. Are you talking to… these people:

That’s a video about the work Amy Poehler does with the Worldwide Orphans Foundation where people go to third world countries and basically just hug orphans because they don’t get enough human contact to develop normally. I’m guessing those orphans don’t care about your Quarter-Life Crisis. Also: homeless people, crack babies, harlequin babies (do not Google it), single mothers on welfare, and if you wanna hit up Mia Farrow’s twitter she’s got a ton of links to bummer news stories that will make you feel like an asshole for ever complaining about your folding card table dining room set arrangement.

How to Not Hate Everything

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Sorry for this whimsical tumblr-eque picture. I promise I won’t start streaking my hair with pastel chalk and transcribing scenes from The Virgin Suicides for my zine. This little kit-cat just illustrates my constant inner monologue so effectively.

You see, today, I decided to wear my Zooey Deschanel-y dress and a little extra make-up than usual in an experiment to test the theory that if I look cheerful and put together on the outside, then I will feel less like a potential arsonist on the inside, thus setting myself up for a wonderful day as a working woman. Instead, I got lost on my way to a job I’ve been driving to for the last two weeks. All I know is that I was giggling along to my favorite podcast Throwing Shade until suddenly I looked around and realized I didn’t recognize my surroundings anymore. I should have been 15 minutes early, and instead walked in exactly on time at 8:30. Despite the stressful commute, the day is turning out to be fine (yes, I’m still at work, but don’t worry, I’m writing this while I make like Ross Gellar-I am on a break. [did that work? No? What about if I said, "that sweater is a little Jason Biggs on you?" I guess that's not so much a joke as it is just bastardizing the name of an American treasure...Sorry, it is unfair to be testing out material on you, readers. Moving on]).

Okay, back to work.

Stay in school, kids because you won’t know how to collate and staple performance inspection forms effectively without a $100,000 private university education.

Sent from my iPhone