Tag Archives: fashion

Clothes I Look Stupid In: Part III

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How did this happen? How did I end up with two sets of gaudy loafers in a span of one week? I need answers!

I started out frugally by buying the cheap glitter pair on the left from GoJane.com for $16 plus shipping. A steal price-wise, but I’m pretty sure they were made out of poster board. I found the leopard pair at Marshall’s for $43 and my God, it was like these were made for someone to actually wear comfortably. What was I to do? I couldn’t choose between them . Either I would have to return the first pair, which would take effort, or not buy the second pair which was obviously superior in quality and style. It was like Sophie’s Choice. It was exactly like choosing which one of your two children would die at the hands of  a Nazi.

Of course, I couldn’t give one up.

These shoes fall into the category of items that your girlfriends find attractive because they read the same JCrew catalogues you do, but any straight male human thinks they’re weird and ugly. Which is so strange because why wouldn’t they find shoes sexy that are predominately intended for elderly men?

I just want to know how much mileage I’m going to get out of these until a magazine reminds me that they are actually ugly and we all have to go back to wearing ballet flats again. I already threw out my ballet flats!

The More You Know: Men in Sweatpants

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It’s time for more of my totally unsolicited but completely valid (maybe I should change the name of my blog to that.. TUbCV) advice:

Now, this was a piece of information that I thought was a given to most men out of middle school, but the more I look around, the more I realize that some of you missed this:

Men and boys: Do not wear sweatpants. They are offensive to women, all women, I promise you. 

Some guys reading this might think “Dara, I KNOW this! I learned this along with the importance of deodorant application!” and to you, sir, let me direct you to the contact information tab at the top of this screen. You obviously have your life together, and I would love to hear from you. Your knowledge of appropriate apparel choices, in addition to your appreciation of basic hygiene, is an intoxicating combination.

So, I tweeted this little tidbit of info, and some kid tweeted me in reply and didn’t know what I meant (he understood the Ashton Kutcher part, though. I think we’re all in agreement with that). I was kind of shocked that this kid had no idea. I thought guys who wear sweatpants in public (PS the gym is PUBLIC) knew exactly what they were doing, but I think some of them actually don’t get what’s going on here. So here it is if you’re unsure:

WE CAN SEE EVERYTHING AND IT IS DISGUSTING! 

I know that some guys are aware of this and wear sweatpants for just that reason above, and that means you are a PREDATOR. I think it’s so unfair that drunk college kids can get labeled a sex offender for the rest of their life for peeing in public, but a man knowingly wearing sweatpants in front of women and children get to live their life freely.

To the clueless guys: I think what the problem might be is that you see women in sweatpants, so you think it’s okay for you, too. I’m all for equality, but I’m going to have to draw the line here. This is what a woman looks like in sweat pants:

So cute yet airport casual with her little hat and little hip bone, right?

Guess what? That’s not what you look like! I was going to post a picture of what guys look like in sweatpants, but my mother reads this blog and all the pictures I found were just so beyond gross.

Ladies don’t want to see that. I don’t care what you’ve got going on under your CostCo sweatpants, but I can promise you that real pants that fit properly will impress a woman more than totally unsupportive gym clothes… Which is how you should think of pants. Woman have to wear bras for support, so you need to do the same with pants.

You might say there’s a flaw in that argument– that guys like it when hot women don’t wear bras, so why wouldn’t ladies like it if a hot guy wore sweatpants? Well, the only explanation is that girls are pretty, so of course you like them bra-less; however, to women, any guy in sweatpants is equal to your 60 year-old, free-spirited aunt in her strapless dress going bra-less. OFFENSIVE!

In Defense of Childhood Obesity*

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I’m thinking about starting a letter writing campaign asking Michelle Obama to lay off America’s obese kids. I just feel like in an economy like this one you have to choose your battles and focus your efforts… and it’s just way more economical for me to buy children’s clothes than adult clothes because they are so much cheaper. So if you can follow my thought process, the bigger the kid, the bigger the clothing size, which means all the more likely it will fit me.

Am I horrible? Sure. I’ll grant you that. But before you start casting stones and stuff just take a walk through your local H&M’s children’s aisle. That stuff is adorable and half the price of everything in my section! Aside from the sleeves being a little short they fit just fine, and who doesn’t love a 3/4 length sleeve, anyway?

Just look at this stuff from Gap Kids:

Or for the young Ellen Degeneres in your life…

Honey I Shrunk Carrie Bradshaw!, amiright?

Where in the adult section do you see this kind of color saturation?

Look at these girls! These girls look like they would make fun of me in the mall. I want to be their friend.

This guy is tough but sweet. He plays the drums and wears head phones as a necklace. This 8 year-old is out of my league. This has nothing to do with clothes, and I’ve probably gone way too far. As Ice T would say MOOOOVIN’ (on).

Recently I went to H&M and got the cutest crushed velvet purple dress. $14.99. Then I got a sweater with a horse face on it. $10! Both so cute, and if anyone ever asks what size I am I can say size 14 YR, which sounds so chic and Kate Moss-y. For me, children’s clothes just fill the pastel and tutu void that adult clothing so sorely lacks. I want to wear an entire outfit comprised of different shades of pink, and I’d like to do so at an affordable price, thankyouverymuch!!!

Small tangent about tutus: It’s so unfair how popular tutus are for little kids now. I would have killed to have the opportunity to incorporate a tutu into my every day wardrobe when I was young, but I didn’t even know that was a legitimate option. Now kids like Sophia and Rosie can run around in their tutus and tiaras like every day is a dance recital, totally unaware of how good they have it.

EllenAMAs_450x300

*Jk, Jk don’t get mad at me about saying I support childhood obesity!

Sashay, Shante

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I finally feel like that perfect mix of Dina Lohan and a Real Housewife of New Jersey. I may be 3 glasses of Sauvignon Blanc deep (which is just deep enough for me), but I feel like the classiest lady this side of Long Island (I’m actually from NH but my soul is from Long Island).

I just bought this coat from Banana Republic. This is what the joy of tipsy suburban mall shopping looks like. I walked through JCPenny’s liked I OWNED that dizzy bizzy (look, I can’t be held accountable for anything I say right now… though my grammar and typing is still flawless). My parents said ‘look she’s strutting through Jay-Cee-Pee-Pee’ (okay, I added that abbreviation and the extra ‘P’) as if I was Carrie Bradshaw, I said, “do I strut? Am I a strutter?” like the coquette that I am in this faux fur coat (that’s a real Carrie Bradshaw quote, btw).

Anyway, the point of this post is that I hope you find your faux fur leopard print coat this season- whether it’s a real materialistic piece or just a state of mind. It’s a bad economy, ya know? Just find whatever gets you in that spirit. Okay bye, the Sex and the City Movie is on. But I’m serious…

Clothes I Look Stupid In:* Part 2

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Like I said in Clothes I Look Stupid In: Part 1, there are some trendy styles that I see on 6 foot tall models with normal sized heads that I wish I could wear, but know that said trend wouldn’t translate on the lollipop of a human that I am.

For a while now, furs of any kind have been on my No Fly List of trends, as in “this fur vest ain’t gonna fly *diva snap.*” Lately, however, the promise of looking like a Real Housewife has outweighed my fear of looking stupid.

Like this hat:

See that dimple? That's for you.

Now look at this:

Sonja Wearing Russian Hat

Sonja of RHNY looking like Funny Girl up in here

Or this:

Lisa Vanderpump of RHBH looking like a boss

 Have you ever seen anything like it? Magnificent.

My hat is an Albertus Swanepoel for Target…. I’ve never heard of him either, but I guess he’s a hat maker, and I feel extra Housewives-y knowing I have a hat from a real hat maker, not from a 2 year old Cambodian orphan… not to say that my new pal Albie actually made this hat… wait, this was made in China…so more than likely this was made by the nimble fingers of a toddler, but at least it was designed by a fancy man and not from a recent design school grad hipster.

Final thought: Do I look like a Russian going into one of those frozen vodka bars in Vegas in that hat?

 

 

**JK, I don’t look stupid in that hat, I look ADORABLE

My Grown Up Christmas List

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Do you like that blog post title? That’s my clever ploy to get the traffic from all the people googling the lyrics to that song. Sorry, you won’t find them here! But please, read on despite my trickery.

To the real information: I think one of the most depressing things in life besides like, dying, is the time spent celebrating holidays right after you grow up but before you have little kids. During this time, the magic is all gone from the holiday until you have kids of your own and can experience the holiday through their eyes (but no pressure to have kids and stuff. This is not a blog that feeds into social conventions, no sir. Live your life, okay?)

Sure, there’s some new, fun things about the holidays when you’re young and fabulous- sparkly red dresses and the excuse to get tanked like, every day between Thanksgiving up until New Years, but I don’t think it matches the happiness of being a kid and getting presents from your gift list.

When I was a kid I remember getting so pumped when the new JCPenny toy catalogue would come in the mail, and I’d chill out in the bathroom for like, an hour and read it. Getting a ton of frivilous presents was expected. It was okay for me to make lists, actual lists of things I didn’t need. Last year I think I got some Crest Whitestrips… like, I asked for them, but still how depressing that this is what my life has come to?

Anyway, this year I’m going to make a list with no real expectation of getting anything, but I figure it’s like a little vision board? I’m attracting presents into my life! Here’s some things I want (it is important to note that I will accept these gifts from anyone, hint hint Northern New Hampshire Male Correctional Facility ;-) ).


{Hunter Rain Boots, $125. I feel like these are an investment- I had to throw out my cheapish J.Crew ones because they started to leak. Ya know, rain boots have ONE job to do. Not to look cute, just to keep water out and it’s crazy how few of them actually accomplish that.}

{Oribe Dry Texturizing Spray, $39.99. It’s kind of expensive for hair product, but I read in Allure once that Mary Kate and/or Ashley used this at a shoot and told the stylist they were “stealing it,” so I’m all in.}

{Momofuku Milk Bar Cookbook $20 on Amazon. Momofuku is a trendy-pants bakery in NYC where they sell things like cereal milk ice cream or something and chocolate chip cookies with pretzels in them. This book teaches you how to make all that and more, including something called ‘crack pie,’ so I need to know what that’s all about.}

{Fancy Coat. This one is from Piperlime.com for $109. I need this mostly because I bought this fabulous/ridiculous faux fur hat that I can’t wear with a North Face. Also, apparently huge parkas aren’t appropriate to wear for every single occasion, like weddings, funerals or clubs.}

{Limited Edition Urban Decay Book of Shadows Gift Set, $64. I will also happily take any of the cheaper gift sets, this one just comes with a portable speaker… which I’m not sure that I need or can use (I don’t have an iPod, and my iPhone speakers are nice and loud) but I want it anyway!!!}

This is just a working list, of course. I probably want more stuff.

American Eagle Jewelry Collection

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Back in high school- mostly sophomore and junior year- American Eagle was my jam. I got all my jeans there because they sold petites that not only fit my stunted legs, but strangely proportioned hips to waist ratio. Their graphics tees? All day every day. Winter hats? You know I tried to wear them, but one-size fits all generally only applies to me with men’s hats.

I even remember a friend saying she was going to buy some stuff from American Eagle, but went to a different store instead because she figured that AE was “my thing.” Which makes me wonder what kind of tyrant I was in high school or if she was just extremely thoughtful in ensuring that we didn’t start inadvertently showing up places in the same outfit. I guess we’ll never know.

Anyway, I stopped shopping there for reasons unknown, and haven’t been back for years, until this weekend when I did a little perusing of their jewelry selection.

I must say, I’m pretty impressed. They’re boho enough to make me look like a free spirit, but not so much so that I look like I play hackie sack. They’re inexpensive, but don’t look like they might rot your ear lobe off like a Forever 21 earring (which, I’m not saying I’m too good for or anything, I love some poorly made, trendy, $3 jewelry).

I’m really into their rings and bracelets, but they have some cute necklaces, too. Everything seems to run between $12-$20, and right now they have a buy one, get one half off sale. These are some of my favorites that I want to buy, wear, and then pretend I’m Drew Barrymore.

Clothes I Look Stupid In

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What I think a lot of fashion forward ladies don’t realize is that there are a lot of clothes that are attractive to other females, but not to men. Like, God bless Rachel Zoe and her husband Roger because she certainly doesn’t dress for him, so they must be trying to keep their marriage fresh in other ways.

I don’t really care too much about guys liking the clothes I wear, however sometimes the reason why guys don’t like certain lady clothes that we like is because they have a valid point. Like, they look totally silly or unflattering. Examples of these kinds of items would be: boyfriend jeans, headbands you wear on your fourhead like an Olsen twin, and big fur vests. Truly, I don’t care if guys think I look dumb in these things, I just can’t get over that I know I look dumb. But I really, really want to wear them anyways!

1. Boyfriend Jeans

They should rename these “you better already have a boyfriend jeans” because you won’t be attracting any new ones while wearing them. They’re essentially just baggy pants cuffed at the bottom. You either have to be completely shapeless and tall with some thin and brittle Pretty Little Liars ankles and thighs with the circumference of a baseball bat or… Jennifer Aniston. I have a hard enough time finding jeans that fit me (short legs and an unusually low butt. I’m not imagining this) without having to find baggy jeans that look presentable.

2. Headbands worn around your forehead.

You couldn’t possibly understand how much I want this to work out for me, but there are two problems: 1. I have an enormous head. This has been proven by a certain community theatre costume designer who pointed out to me in high school that my head measurement was bigger than all of the girls and most of the guys in our cast. This trend tends to look better on people with normal sized skulls. 2. Fashion-y fourheadbands don’t seem to go with Old Navy compression pants, so I’m not sure I have anything to pair them with in my wardrobe.

3. Fur Vests


This is another trend that only looks good on tall people. After all the fur vests I have tried on I have never not looked like a hybernating cub who has put on a lot of winter weight in their torso. I guess if you think about it, adding an inch of girth to your mid-section by way of fur can’t be too attractive if you’re short because you just end up looking shorter. It’s a hard notion to accept, but I really don’t think I’ll be growing 5 more inches so my modeling career and fur vest wearing days were over before they even began.

Old Navy Compression Pants

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I’m not so sure what exactly happened, but in the past 6 months I’ve been circulating a total of 3-4 outfits, which mainly consist of some type of yoga pant or capri and some kind of off the shoulder sweatshirt. I was going to say that sounds worse than it is, but when I think about it, it’s exactly as bad as it sounds. A constant rotation of off the shoulder sweatshirts. I’m in a much darker place than I realized.

There are no signs of stopping, either. When I first graduated college and was completely unemployed, the only real reason I had to leave the house was to buy more Lean Pockets or go to the gym. Both of those things can be done in yoga pants. Now I have a long term temp job I work at full time. I knew things were casual at my new place of bidniss, but I thought I would at least have to put together some cute outfits. Then I actually got there and saw my new coworkers. It’s an understatement to say that things are laid back there. Two days ago I sat at the front desk with a baby bulldog on my lap for two hours. There are no less than two dogs in the building at all times. We have pajama day. But if it’s not pajama day and you feel moved to wear pajamas, that’s ok, too. I have literally no incentive to wear anything other than yoga pants and an off the shoulder sweatshirt.

One day, I hope to be a comedy writer/performer. People in this profession are not known for their fashion sense or drive to wear shoes other than Converse. Just youtube some early late night interview clips of Amy Poehler while she was just starting out on SNL. You will see what I mean.

In the foreseeable future, I don’t expect that I will need to wear real pants, so I’m just going to give in to this and stock up on some knock-off Lululemons. I found some nice Lulu look alikes at Target a little while back, and now Old Navy has some stuff, too.

Old Navy, $15-$35

These new compression pants at Old Navy are great. I would say they work as a nice bra for your butt because they are so tight, but not tight in a tragic, camel toe kind of way (as long as you get the right size). Apparently, compression pants are supposed to help with soreness or something, but I can’t really tell if that’s true or not. Alls I know is that my booty is lookin’ real fine in these. I can walk by a mirror, do a little spin, and give that booty butt a nod of approval.

Vegas Travel Outfit

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Every time I’m about to go on a trip, I dream about what kind of outfit I’ll wear on the plane ride in. The kind of outfit that says, I’m stylish! I’m well traveled! I’m a bon vivant- and I know what that word means! I want to wear an outfit that makes people wonder where I’m wheeling my luggage off to. Also, in this dream I look like a cast member on The Hills with skinny Olsen twin arms wearing over-sized watches and bangles until my frail little hands drag on the floor under the weight. I am also wearing a straw fedora and heels while walking through the terminal in this scenario. Okay, I’m Vanessa Hudgens in this scenario.

When it comes to the actual day of travel, I’m usually too tired to wear anything besides yoga pants and I don’t have a straw fedora that comfortably fits my big head. Wearing heels to the airport is an impossible dream- I’ve worn pharmacy brand slippers out to a bar before, so wearing heels when it’s not expected of me isn’t very realistic.

With that said, I’m going to Vegas in a month and a half, and this time I swear I’m going to wear a cute airport outfit!

I love the outfit Kristen Wiig wears in Bridesmaids when they go to Vegas.

This is the inspiration for my plane outfit, but I want some sequins because it’s Vegas, and I want to look as gaudy as possible (to match my Betsey Johnson gold lame suitcase).

 Something sort of like that.

This is perfect, but it’s out of stock (and listed in English currency so I wouldn’t have been able to figure out how much it cost, anyway):

I’m thinking about buying a plain black and white shirt and then buying strings of sequins and sewing them on one row on and then get bored.