Apparently, the song had something to do with this being a woman’s world, but clearly this is Cher’s universe and we can only be but grateful to be sleeping under the same moon and stars. The woman has paid her dues many times over, and if she wants to live out the twilight of her life looking Rufio from Hook, then we have no business stopping her. May God Bless and keep that rooster-headed drag queen.
Hey, you know that kinda recent episode of Girls where Hannah goes middle-class-white-girl crazy and shoves a Q-Tip in her ear due to the stress of having a book deal? If that’s normal and soooo “relatable,” how would a normal person’s stress manifest itself if that person just moved 3,000 miles from home and had to find a job and pay rent? If the stress of getting paid to write a book at age 24 is a Q-Tip, and let’s say single mother making minimum wage and raising two kids is a hot steak knife…then I’d say I’m holding steady at a toddler’s tooth brush stuck firmly into my ear canal. In the grand scheme, it’s just champagne problems, but shut up, I’m Beyonce in my tiny universe, and having no job is stressful!!!
Now that I’m on my own, Girls makes even less sense to me. Why isn’t Hannah constantly talking about rent? If they wanted this show to reflect the feelings of a generation, then their scripts should have just kept alternating the words “rent” and “wine” for 30 pages. That would speak to me!
As of press time, so like, right now, I’m working on a bottle of wine after a long day of job lookin’. A day that was meant to be full of some completely undeserved relaxation, turned into a day of running back in forth through sand trying to get to an interview. That only kind of happened, but feel free to picture me doing that in a neon, wide brimmed sun hat.
My gal pals and I drove about an hour to Santa Monica for a beach day. Goddammit! I should have known I didn’t deserve a relaxing beach day!!!
Just about the time we got to the promenade, I got an email about a job opportunity that was very time sensitive. So in the ensemble you see above, my roommate and I went to the Apple store to tweak my resume and cover letter. After an hour of me hovered over a Mac laptop in my Coachella reject outfit, I finally sent off my stuff, and strutted to the beach, ready to relax after the stressful hour I had. What an hour.
15 minutes later, my shorts are OFF and my Trader Joe’s organic sunscreen is ON, and I am ready for some professional TLC from the California sun. Until! I get a phone call saying I have an interview and can I be there at 4:30, and of course I can ’cause all I have to do is put my mind to something.
So, my poor friends and I.. my poor, poor friends- May God bless and keep you, Jillian and Caitlin (my friends go by their full names, they are cosmopolitain ladies, THANK YEH). They were such great sports. SO, we run… picture me running through sand in that hat to the car. We finally make it to the other side of town, only so I can spend 15 minutes throwing on my interview outfit and showering in a bath of dry shampoo mist, until I was right back out the door.
For my 45 minute drive back, I meditated on the mantra that greasy hair would not be the determining factor of whether or not I got this job.
And hopefully that is actually true.
My interview happened and it was nearly the most majestic 15 minutes of my life, second only to my experience at Disney World’s Main Street Electrical Parade. Just kidding, it was okay, and I hope I get the job, but I release it into the universe like Deepak Chopra tells me to.
It was a stressful day, but it gave me an excuse to have a burger which I’ve been craving. That burger might end up being a celebratory burger or a depressed burger, but either way I enjoyed the burger. Breathe in, breathe out; rent money is just a man-made construct.
******If you’re in the Los Angeles area, please give me a job.
…but do you think that fall was maybe a little too likeable?
Sure, I want to be her best friend, and duh, I’ve been replaying that quick shot of her during the “We Saw Your Boobs” song like a GIF in my brain – that moment was second in likeability to the fall. But, I swear on my life, I knew she was going to trip. The instant before it happened, I said to myself, “she’s going to fall.” Does that make me a little psychic or am I just hip to her scam? Both, probably.
Look, I’m not saying she faked it, but I may be saying that she didn’t hoist up the hem of that skirt in the hopes that something very likeable might happen.
And who didn’t love Hugh Jackman rushing to her aid? I loved it. Don’t mistake that. I hear he’s second billing on Jennifer’s Likeability Tour ’13, to which, I have front row seats.
Performance by an actor in a leading role:
Bradley Cooper, Silver Linings Playbook
Daniel Day-Lewis, Lincoln
Hugh Jackman, Les Misérables
Joaquin Phoenix, The Master
Denzel Washington, Flight
I hope Bradley wins because I still feel bad for him that everyone got so mad that he was People’s Sexiest Man of the Year instead of Ryan Gosling in 2011. Do I think it was an oversight on People’s part? Sure. Is that Bradley’s fault? Absolutely not. Probably ugly people were complaining all over Twitter saying Bradley wasn’t sexy enough, which I think is just rude and untrue. Who amongst us non-famous cretins would kick him out of bed for eating crackers? I can’t even say with certainty that I’d kick him out of bed for pooping in it. He is that sexy. Oscar for Bradley!
Performance by an actor in a supporting role:
Alan Arkin, Argo
Robert De Niro, Silver Linings Playbook
Philip Seymour Hoffman, The Master
Tommy Lee Jones, Lincoln
Christoph Waltz, Django Unchained
I haven’t even seen the trailer for The Master, but I loved Philip Seymour Hoffman in Pirate Radio.
Performance by an actress in a leading role:
Jessica Chastain, Zero Dark Thirty
Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook
Emmanuelle Riva, Amour
Quvenzhané Wallis, Beasts of the Southern Wild
Naomi Watts, The Impossible
I pick Jessica because she has red hair and because it looks like her character is like a Carrie Mathison with better common sense decision making skills.
Performance by an actress in a supporting role:
Amy Adams, The Master
Sally Field, Lincoln
Anne Hathaway, Les Misérables
Helen Hunt, The Sessions
Jacki Weaver, Silver Linings Playbook
I chose Jacki Weaver by process of elimination because I don’t actually have any idea who she is, and I have no time to Google such nonsense. “No” to Sally Field because it freaks me out that she has always looked exactly the same since she was on Gidget. This is not a compliment to how well she is aging, but an insult to her former self that she has always looked like a 60 year-old woman without wrinkles. “No” to Amy Adams because I think her strawberry blonde hair is very non-committal. “No” to Helen Hunt because I don’t like that her and Paul Reiser divorced at the end of Mad About You. A “No” to Anne Hathaway because her acceptance speeches are like the open auditions week on American Idol where I have to constantly look down at my phone and say “Ahhhh, I can’t take it” over and over until it stops. So, congrats, Jacki.
Best animated feature film of the year:
Mark Andrews and Brenda Chapman, Brave
Tim Burton, Frankenweenie
Sam Fell and Chris Butler, ParaNorman
Peter Lord, The Pirates! Band of Misfits
Rich Moore, Wreck-It Ralph
Brave for the red head girl and because I think Tim Burton gets away with too much.
Achievement in directing:
Michael Haneke, Amour
Benh Zeitlin, Beasts of the Southern Wild
Ang Lee, Life of Pi
Steven Spielberg, Lincoln
David O. Russell, Silver Linings Playbook
Nobody. Ben Affleck 4ever!
Best documentary feature:
5 Broken Cameras
How to Survive a Plague
The Invisible War
Searching for Sugar Man
Searching for Sugar Man because it’s about one of Honey Boo Boo’s family members, right? Sounds fun.
Best motion picture of the year:
Beasts of the Southern Wild
Life of Pi
Silver Linings Playbook
Zero Dark Thirty
Ar-go Fuck Yourself! Right?! I chose this as best picture because 1. It is the only movie I have seen of the 10, 2. Ben Affleck 4ever, 3. I liked it even though the last 15 minutes gave me so much anxiety that I started Googling on my phone “how does Argo end?”