5 Things We Can Learn From: Bethenny Frankel

I’ve been a fan of Bethenny Frankel’s since the beginning of Real Housewives of New York City. She was easily my favorite Housewife because unlike the others, she hit that sweet spot of self-awareness for a reality star: just enough where she could have a sense of humor about herself and the show, but not enough where she was above acting like a lunatic at a Creaky Joints charity event.

I think Bethenny lost me sometime during Bethenny Ever After when she started crying in her closet next to Cookie and Ziplock bags of lingerie. Now that she’s getting a divorce from Jason Hoppy, I can only imagine what kind of mess her show would be if she did another season. Not that I wouldn’t have a DVR season pass for Bethenny Getting Her Groove Back With the Help of Hoda Kotb. I would enjoy it for what it would be: an hour long Skinnygirl QVC show with interspersing segments of Bethenny slirping oysters talking about how great casual sex is after 40, while Hoda giggles in embarrassed approval.

"Have you met my friend, Bethenny? She tells it like it is!!!"

“Have you met my friend, Bethenny? She tells it like it is!!!”

Yet, despite the wreck she is, I still think there’s a lot we can learn from Bethenny:

1. You won’t meet the person you’ll spend the rest of your life with at a club, which is how Bethenny and Jason met. If you do meet a hot, single, 40 year-old man while strutting past his bottle service table, it doesn’t mean your vision board is finally working. You’ve just found A 40 YEAR-OLD MAN STILL GETTING BOTTLE SERVICE.

1356295864_bethenny-frankel-main2. If you meet a 40 year-old man at a club and his first words to you are, “are you going to get that stick out of your ass” don’t marry that man! He’s probably going to have issues with non-traditional gender roles!!! I would also argue that if you met a man while you were both volunteering at a children’s hospital, and “are you going to get that stick out of your ass” was the first thing he said to you, it still wouldn’t be a great idea to marry him. He sounds very rude.

3. Crying in a bathroom during your birthday party because you “don’t want all the attention” while you’re miked up for your reality show makes you appear insane. 

bethenny-ever-after-finale-video-bryn4. If you insist on doing the above, do not write a self-help book about overcoming your screwed up childhood. If you’re 40 and still crying in bathrooms at your birthday party, maybe it’s time to let go of the idea that you’re ever going to “overcome” your childhood. Just be proud that you never went through a meth phase in your 20’s.

5. Karma is real, and she will cut you. Look, I love a nice watered down margarita with half the calories and alcohol, and I thank Bethenny for that. However, you can’t be telling ladies they should fill up on salad before Christmas dinner and think you’re going to get away with it. On her show, Bethenny self-righteously scooped out the meat of a few too many bagels for her not to be stricken with a divorce that she would have to eat her way through like a normal woman.

Instagram Caption: "This is my life right now"

Instagram Caption: “This is my life right now”

Bethenny, you did this to yourself. Don’t you tell me you only had a bite of each and threw out the rest. Just let it go.

Hurricane Sandy

Due to Hurricane Sandy passing through NH Monday, I had work off that day. I pretty much had every opportunity to blog on Tuesday, but my routine was affected and because I’m an infant in a toddler’s body, I am very disoriented. Now I know how the Jolie-Pitt children feel being shuttled between LA and French châteaux and Red Cross missions in Cambodia. Babies need structure!

I’m trying to get back into the swing of things, but today is Halloween and tomorrow is my birthday, and I’m already looking for a first birthday smash cake to fall asleep in at the dinner table. I can’t imagine I’ll be on a regular schedule until Monday, but I’ll try my hardest to blog anyway. If you don’t see anything from me then I’m passed out with my head on a cake and my hand in a bag of chips.

I hope everyone is safe post Sandy- leave me a comment so I know you’re okay.

And here is a hurricane live tweet from Bethenny Frankel:

Girl, that is from The Day After Tomorrow, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Bless her and her low-calorie California Rosé.

My New Favorite Bravo House Husbands

Jason Hoppy used to be my main Bravo man, but ever since season 2 of Bethenny Ever After, I have become very disenchanted with him and B-Town.

{Two miserable rich people}

Let me start off by saying I think Bethenny is a holy terror and should have never gotten married to anyone in the first place, but mostly I’m sick of Jason getting his Skinnygirl Shapewear in a twist every time she gets a Christmas card from Ellen and Portia. Sorry you feel emasculated because you couldn’t buy the boat for your family, but keep sipping on your ‘all natural,’ premixed margarita while you sail through Malibu on the S.S. Skinnygirl and get over it.

I have some new favorite Bravo House Husbands who don’t have wives with multi-million dollar empires built on the poor self image and disordered eating habits of America’s women (but I think if they did, they wouldn’t be such a-holes about it).

Kroy Biermann, Husband of Kim Zolciak, Real Housewives of Atlanta


There are three things in life that get me every time and Kroy Biermann has accomplished all of them on Don’t Be Tardy for the Wedding: 1. Hot dads with babies, 2. When a dad paints his daughter’s nails, 3. When step children accept a step parent as their parent-parent and starts calling them mom or dad (I really can’t explain this last one, my parents aren’t divorced or anything, but that turns my black heart pink ev.ry. time). Besides Kroy being one hot dad who loves Kim’s girls as his own, he also seems to be really tickled by her eccentricities. His wedding vows might as well have said “I promise to let you do you, baby girl.”

Terry Dubrow, husband of Heather Dubrow, Real Housewives of Orange County

Terry and Heather Dubrow are encroaching on Ice and Coco’s status as my favorite reality show couple. I mean, I don’t think they’ll ever steal that spot because another thing that gets me every time is when a former bad boy gangsta waxes poetic about how much he loves and admires his wife– but the Dubrow’s are still a close second. The thing I like most about Terry is that he allows Heather to maintain some independence and is always supportive of her rich lady aspirations (“I’m going to open a restaurant so my friends and I have a place to hang out, Terry!” “That sounds fun, Heather!”). When Heather auditioned for a part in a sitcom that shot for 12 hours a day in some impractical place like Canada, Terry never said, “you can’t do this, we have four kids that are still at an age where they will literally die if they go unsupervised.” He knew that she knew that it wouldn’t work, but he let her make that decision on her own rather than telling her no.

Jason, if you’re reading this (I think he’s reading this) learn something from these men and just let Bethenny be the basket case millionaire she was born to be. Being a stay-at-home dad is a very admirable thing, anyway. Someone needs to make sure that Bryn is eating more than scooped out bagels and Skinnygirl meal bars (’cause you KNOW Miss Frankel is unknowingly instilling some food shame into that kid).

Too Good for a Resolution

Have you ever noticed that people who don’t drink or watch TV love reminding you about it at every opportunity? Instead of just telling you that they aren’t familiar with the show you’re talking about, they have to rub it in and point out that they are too busy to watch TV, which (and if you are this person, let’s hope that what you lack in Kardashian knowledge you make up for in reading comprehension) is super pretentious, whether you mean it to be or not. Same with non-drinkers. If I offer you a drink it’s probably more than reasonable to decline and qualify it with an “I don’t drink,” but you don’t need to keep telling me about how hilarious or annoying it is to be the only sober person at a bar.   Tell someone who doesn’t drink either, and just revel in each other’s clean livers. The rest of us want to act like a-holes at bars without your judgement (another thing: people who don’t drink are always saying that they aren’t judging drinkers. YES YOU ARE! YES YOU ARE!)

Now if you do drink and watch TV, how are you to exert your self-importance over the rest of us heathens? Well, finally I’ve found an option for you during this, the holiday season.

See? Bethenny doesn’t need a resolution because she’s always living her best life like she’s OPRAH or something (another thing she’s always doing is subtly pushing her yoga DVD). I guess I wouldn’t need a resolution, either, if I had 120 million dollars from some friggin’ low calorie mixed drink.

Now, I love Bethenny, and I love a lot of people who say all the time that they don’t drink or watch TV (Kathy Griffin, for example, mentions it in like, every chapter of her book, and every stand-up show she does), I’m just saying maybe your New Year’s resolution should be to COOL IT.  Let me diet for a week in peace!

Thoughts on Vlogging

First, may I just begin by saying I’m morbidly fascinated by this girl. Morbidly fascinated because I don’t actually enjoy watching her hauls or vlogs, but I just check in every once in a while to see if she still talks  so fast and in such a high register about wallpaper, mascara, and haterz. Just a note about her- as far as I understand, this girl is in high school and since her youtube channel went viral her parents allowed her and her older sister to move to LA alone to be….youtube stars? Like, what?! I think she’s “homeschooled,” (sooo homeschooling herself?) and I’d just love to know how that’s working out for her.

That was just a little morning treat for you, my real purpose of blogging about vlogging is because I’m debating about whether I should throw some vlogs up here. I am hesitant to do so because I generally make fun of people with vlogs. The ones I’ve seen are pretty self indulgent. I can’t think of anyone I know who isn’t famous that I want to watch talk for over 2 minutes. If you’re just telling me about your day, you could have just written it down and given me the option to just read every couple sentences and fill in the blank. This is my preferred method of speed reading. If you vlog for longer than 2 minutes, I am going to shut it off unless you are supplying me with some vital information like how to properly install a Bump-it.

I also think vlogging gives everyone a lot more room to make fun of you. If you write a bad blog people will give you a certain amount of slack and attribute it to some poor writing skills. If your vlog is stupid it’s a lot more likely that people are just going to attribute that to you being an annoy human being. I do not want this.

Now, if I put some vlogs up in hurr they would be under 2 minutes and actually supply you with some info. Like a tutorial on how to make a Skinnygirl Margarita Bethenny Frankel-style. However, this would also require me to, like, do something with myself before I filmed, and I’ve grown accustomed to wearing my pajamas all day #postgradlife.

Skinnygirl Daily Cleanse vs. Ghettogirl Cleanse

You know I love me some Bethenny Frankel, and I will pretty much go for anything she’s pushing no questions asked, so I was pumped when she came out with a daily cleanse (ya, know, like for your liver and bowels to clean out all the Skinnygirl margaritas). Except a 30 day supply of her cleanse is $59.99!!! What?! Bethenny! Don’t you remember the days when you were on Real Housewives of NY season 1 when you couldn’t pay your rent? Poor girls want clean intestines, too!

So, I’ve developed a little cleanse of my own I’d like to call the Ghettogirl cleanse using the ingredients from Bethenny’s Daily Cleanse and my own knowledge from obsessively looking up different cleanses I can do after I’ve gone on a weekend long food bender. (This will run you under $20).

  1. Hot Lemon Water In the Morning This helps clean out the bile in your liver, so have a cup of this like a half hour before you eat breakfast. I know this trick from the The Eat-Clean Diet book by Tosca Rena and because Martha Stewart does it. Martha doesn’t exactly have the body I aspire to, but she’s filthy rich so I trust her on this one.
  2. Dandelion Tea 3x a Day Dandelion tea detoxes your body, is a natural diuretic, and aids digestion. Dandelion is also an ingredient in the Skinnygirl cleanse. Um, this tea is not delicious, but get over it, I thought you wanted to be skinny. Maybe steep it with a bag of green tea– double weight loss and cleansing! 
  3. Fiber Choice Supplements 1-3 Daily Ewwww, bathroom talk! Sorry, you need fiber to keep everything chugging. Enjoy this, you’re about to be gassy. 
  4. Diet You can’t do all this cleansing and then eat burgers on top of it, dummy. You should be eating pretty bland foods, and limit meat as much as possible because digesting animal carcass isn’t easy. So, steel cut oats, greek yogurt, raw or steamed veggies, fruit, brown rice, fish, and lots of greens.
  5. Sweat Sweat from exercise first and foremost, but you might consider hot yoga or chilling out in a sauna so you can sweat out some toxins. It seems pretty obvious. And Suzanne Somers says to do it.
I do this for how ever long it takes until I don’t feel disgusting anymore/until I can’t do it anymore which is between 12 hours and 12 days. I don’t know, consult a doctor or something before you do this (don’t people say this so they don’t get sued when they talk about diets)? 

My Favorite TV Couples

My favorite couples on TV in no particular order:

ICE & COCO

This whole show is a lesson in why you shouldn’t judge a book by its enormous fake breasted cover. Ice and Coco may look like a wild couple, but they both seem like really genuine people who really love each other.

Bless his heart. He loves that woman.

BETHENNY FRANKEL & JASON HOPPY

Bethenny is probably my favorite Real Housewife and I am equal parts happy for her and shocked that she found Jason. I love Bethenny, but girl is out of her MIND. Luckily, she found Jason who is so beautifully normal. He knows his lady is nuts but I think he actually likes it, and he keeps her calm. He’s so sweet to her, he has a great family, and omg that hair line of his! Flawless. So help me if Bethenny screws this up.

LESLIE KNOPE & BEN WYATT

Leslie and Ben from Parks and Recreation are my new Jim and Pam. Their forbidden nerd love is the most precious thing on TV. The nerd love they have is what I hope for some day, which you could probably guess if you know anything about my Muppet dream wedding.

BENSON & STABLER 

I know Benson and Stabler from Law and Order: SVU are not romantically involved, but they’ve got sexual tension that’s like butter you can cut with a knife and spread on toast. My favorite is when Benson & Stabler have to go “undercover,” but it’s more like sexy role playing. ALL time favorite is when Olivia Benson pretends to be Elliot’s hooker to save his life! Classic! When Christopher Meloni leaves the show I don’t know that I’ll be able to come back from that.

HEF & HOLLY

I know this isn’t current, but it’s always in my heart! Puffin!!!

Real Housewives of NY: Morocco Part 3

I just had to post about this episode right now while I’m still flying on this Bravo adrenaline rush.

Lately, I had been feeling like the spark had left my relationship with the Real Housewives franchise. I still watch it all the time, but I had been hating myself a little more for it. I just couldn’t imagine that the third season of RHNJ could live up to 1 & 2 because they were losing genuinely unstable person, Danielle. Although Caroline will always be my top matriarch and Jacqueline’s marriage to Chris gives me hope for the future, it lost a lil’ something now that it’s just a lot of fighting between mostly sane people.

When Bethenny left RHNY, something was lost for me there, too. Without our Greek Chorus and comedic relief (which I think Mr. Cohen thought Sonja could live up to- not the case- she plays to the camera too much this season) it was again, a handful of ladies being out of hand catty and maybe giving a little ammunition to those who think women shouldn’t.. ya know..be politicians… or vote… or be allowed out of the house.

But. Tonight changed all that. It had been so long since “Scary Island” of season 3, that I forgot that we really do still have some unstable weirdos in our midst who bring color to the show beyond just fighting. The same color Bethenny and Danielle once brought. The scene when Alex interrupts Countess Luann, Cindy, and Kelly while getting their henna rivals Teresa’s table flipping and Kyle/Kim’s limo fight as the most memorable Housewives scene.

I could go on about this forever, but my favorite highlights are (spoilers):

  • Luann telling Alex to “go back to the cabinet you came out of.” I really feel like Luann is always white knuckling it and biting her tongue with these low blow comments as she tries to maintain her classy image (passive aggression and snobbery is more her style), but this season she’s really starting to let it fly.
  • Cindy, as the new comer (and this is my beloved father’s observation) is seeing this as an outsider and though she always has a look of “WTF?!” on her face, it was so elegantly highlighted in the shot of her and the two henna artists with there matching looks of shock (who went home and regaled their families with tales of the crazy, rich, white ladies).
  • The ultimate moment, though, was when the two most socially inept people of the show were left unattended. It was perfect pairing because Kelly hates emotions of any kind and Alex is a basket case. I wish I could wake up every morning to the clip of Alex talking with her eyes closed. I just pray they have a special extended episode like they did with the RHBH dinner party where they just show Alex and Kelly trying to communicate for an hour. Oh, please @BravoAndy, PULEAAASE!

Bethenny and Skinny Apple Cinnamon Margarita Recipe

Bethenny in the Skinnygirl Car

Bethenny Frankel is my favorite of all the Real Housewives for a couple of reasons. First, she is probably the only Housewife who has any sense of humor at all, which is why she got her own show. I’d much rather watch her gently harass a wedding planner and then pee in an ice bucket before she walks down the aisle than listen to her argue with some middle aged lady who takes her self too seriously.

The other reason why I like her is the Skinnygirl brand she has. She has this great article about all the things you can do with greek yogurt. I’ve been using greek yogurt as a healthy substitute for sour cream… like, I’ll go to Chipotle after the gym, buy a burrito …and chips/guacamole (it’s fine! I went to the gym!) and then instead of sour cream I dip my chips in greek yogurt! See? Skinny Girl!

In honor of Bethenny’s Skinnygirl margarita I’ve posted a recipe for a Skinny Apple Cinnamon Margarita, invented by my BFF/Bestie/Bosom Buddy/The Tia to my Tamara– Riley.

Apple Cinnamon Margarita
1.5 parts Apple Pucker
2 parts tequila (clear, not yellow if you can)
Fill with Diet Ginger Ale
Garnish cinnamon and sugar mix and an apple slice (I’d use the natural sweetner, stevia. You can also rim the glass with this mix).

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