Oscar Predictions From Someone Who Has Only Seen “Argo”

Performance by an actor in a leading role:
Bradley Cooper, Silver Linings Playbook 
Daniel Day-Lewis, Lincoln
Hugh Jackman, Les Misérables
Joaquin Phoenix, The Master
Denzel Washington, Flight

bradley-cooper-sexiest-man-alive

I hope Bradley wins because I still feel bad for him that everyone got so mad that he was People’s Sexiest Man of the Year instead of Ryan Gosling in 2011. Do I think it was an oversight on People’s part? Sure. Is that Bradley’s fault? Absolutely not. Probably ugly people were complaining all over Twitter saying Bradley wasn’t sexy enough, which I think is just rude and untrue. Who amongst us non-famous cretins would kick him out of bed for eating crackers? I can’t even say with certainty that I’d kick him out of bed for pooping in it. He is that sexy. Oscar for Bradley!

Performance by an actor in a supporting role:
Alan Arkin, Argo
Robert De Niro, Silver Linings Playbook 
Philip Seymour Hoffman, The Master 
Tommy Lee Jones, Lincoln
Christoph Waltz, Django Unchained

I haven’t even seen the trailer for The Master, but I loved Philip Seymour Hoffman in Pirate Radio. 

Performance by an actress in a leading role:
Jessica Chastain, Zero Dark Thirty
Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook
Emmanuelle Riva, Amour
Quvenzhané Wallis, Beasts of the Southern Wild
Naomi Watts, The Impossible

Zero-dark-thirtyI pick Jessica because she has red hair and because it looks like her character is like a Carrie Mathison with better common sense decision making skills.

Performance by an actress in a supporting role:
Amy Adams, The Master
Sally Field, Lincoln
Anne Hathaway, Les Misérables
Helen Hunt, The Sessions
Jacki Weaver, Silver Linings Playbook

I chose Jacki Weaver by process of elimination because I don’t actually have any idea who she is, and I have no time to Google such nonsense. “No” to Sally Field because it freaks me out that she has always looked exactly the same since she was on Gidget. This is not a compliment to how well she is aging, but an insult to her former self that she has always looked like a 60 year-old woman without wrinkles. “No” to Amy Adams because I think her strawberry blonde hair is very non-committal. “No” to Helen Hunt because I don’t like that her and Paul Reiser divorced at the end of Mad About You. A “No” to Anne Hathaway because her acceptance speeches are like the open auditions week on American Idol where I have to constantly look down at my phone and say “Ahhhh, I can’t take it” over and over until it stops. So, congrats, Jacki.

Best animated feature film of the year:
Mark Andrews and Brenda Chapman, Brave 
Tim Burton, Frankenweenie
Sam Fell and Chris Butler, ParaNorman
Peter Lord, The Pirates! Band of Misfits
Rich Moore, Wreck-It Ralph

Brave for the red head girl and because I think Tim Burton gets away with too much.

Achievement in directing:
Michael Haneke, Amour
Benh Zeitlin, Beasts of the Southern Wild
Ang Lee, Life of Pi
Steven Spielberg, Lincoln
David O. Russell, Silver Linings Playbook

ARGO

Nobody. Ben Affleck 4ever!

Best documentary feature:
5 Broken Cameras
The Gatekeepers
How to Survive a Plague
The Invisible War
Searching for Sugar Man

Searching for Sugar Man because it’s about one of Honey Boo Boo’s family members, right? Sounds fun.

Best motion picture of the year: 
Amour
Argo
Beasts of the Southern Wild
Django Unchained
Les Misérables
Life of Pi
Lincoln
Silver Linings Playbook
Zero Dark Thirty

Ar-go Fuck Yourself! Right?! I chose this as best picture because 1. It is the only movie I have seen of the 10, 2. Ben Affleck 4ever, 3. I liked it even though the last 15 minutes gave me so much anxiety that I started Googling on my phone “how does Argo end?”

Say a Little Prayer for Courtney Cox and David Arquette

I implore you, American public, to say a little prayer for Courtney and David. When these two were married, they were hardly on my radar, but since David was on Oprah, I’m all about him, and I’m really pulling for these two kids to work it out. I just feel like they compliment each other so well- he pulls the stick out of her butt, and then she hits him with it when he’s out of line and acting like a man-child (btw my new favorite phrase is “man-child.” Expect to hear more about all my favorite man-children in the near future). Let’s all just send some positive vibes their way (and while you’re at it send some to Mr. and Mrs. Affleck… not that they’re in any marital trouble, but any extra support is great because if they ever divorced it would BREAK ME).