Category Archives: TV

7 Reasons Why I’m Ill Equipped to Have a Baby

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I’m at an age where many of my friends, acquaintances, and people I don’t really know (but I feel like I know because I spend so much tracking their baby bump progress on Facebook) are settling down. It always starts with your high school friends and acquaintances. You can tell which girls will get married or pregnant first based on how over plucked their eyebrows are. Don’t ask me why it’s true, but “if their brow bones aren’t hairy, they’re the first ones to marry” is a great rule of thumb.

Next comes your college friends. At around 25, the wedding invitations start trickling in. Then from their it’s just the slow death march of all your friends moving back to the suburbs to start mommy blogs while you’re in the middle of the city screaming “but I’m an independent woman!!!” to no one.

But that’s the way it must be for some of us. I’m just mature enough to know that I’m way too immature to be in charge of another human for a very long time. I could be trusted to watch a child. I’m a great baby sitter. I do this thing when I tuck the kids in: “snug as a bug in a rug.” They die over it. But when you’re baby sitting, you’re with these kids, what? 5, 6 hours? The likelihood of you accidentally killing them in that amount of time is low. If I’m entrusted with a baby 24 hours a day 7 days a week…. let’s just say I can’t believe more people don’t forget that they left their kid sleeping in a hot car.

And THAT, my friends is only one reason why giving me a baby a mistake, but there are many more, like:

  1. Everyone would get tired of my 24 year old self whining, “this is kids raising kids!”

    I like to think that the red head I’m most like is Lucille Ball, but I know it’s really Garfield.

  2. I am lazy. Last night I slept in my bra because it would have been too much to wrestle that thing out of my sweatshirt. 
  3. My desired sleep schedule is closest to a baby bear suffering from mono in winter. If I don’t get my 12 hours a night, I am just incorrigible.

    Garbage Pail Kids Movie

  4. I don’t like anything gross, and babies are just a sticky ball of uncontrollable bodily functions. Up until very recently, if my dogs pooped in the house, I would just pretend not to see it until someone else in my house did. And that only stopped because my dogs stopped pooping in the house.

    Case in point.

  5. 9 months of no drinking is not an option yet. If you are not ready to give up pumpkin beer for a whole season, I think that’s the clearest indicator that you are not ready for children. 
  6. At this point, if I had a child and gave up on my career for them, they would have no chance of being allowed to pursue any other interest besides drug addled child star with a fame-obsessed mom-ager with hair extensions way too long for her age.

    Queen.

  7. I don’t like having to smell things as a detection method. Like when someone sticks something in your face and says “hey, smell this, does this smell weird?” Parents always seem to be smelling things to figure out if it’s something that came out of a baby, and I’m not up for that kind of case work. This is not Law and Order: SV-P.U.

*Dun-Dun*

(Nailed it).

That’s my time! Thanks, you guys! Don’t forget to tip your waitress!

The Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming a Real Housewife

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Step 1: Appearance

You’re going to need a lot of jewel toned (preferably satin), sequined, and/or bandage dresses.

If you are ever unsure of whether your wardrobe, hair or make up is up to the Housewife standard, just ask yourself, “do I look like an aging pageant queen?” If your answer is, ”yes, I definitely could have been a second runner-up for Miss America in 1988,” then you have met the minimum requirement to be a New York City Housewife. If you’re aiming for Beverly Hills, The OC, or Miami, you’ll have to keep working until you achieve Miss USA 1997 status. There is no rest for the weary.

Note: Your hair must be at least 1 and a quarter inch bigger in volume than average for every appearance you make in a confessional shot, reunion taping, or Watch What Happens Live episode.

Step 2: Career

Skweez Couture with Jill Zarin

Your choices are limited to: anything related to the sale and consumption of alcohol, a shape wear line designer, pretend singer, pretend author (sorry, Carole Radziwill, but there is reason to believe that you actually wrote your books, so unfortunately, that will not count as an acceptable Housewife career).

Nice bandage dress, Tamra!

Step 3: Dialect

First, don’t knock yourself out trying to pronounce anything correctly, in fact the mispronunciation of every day words and phrases is encouraged.

Try the new language out this weekend: use “vah-kah” instead of “vodka,” as in, “I would like a dirty “vah-kah” martini with blue cheese stuffed olives.” See: Vicki Gunvalson and Ramona Singer.

Second, always speak in metaphor, cliches, euphemism, and sound bites.

Note: Never refer to yourself as a “bitch,” but as a person who “tells it like it is” or “says what everyone else is thinking.”

Step 4: ABC

Always Be Consuming. Preferably a signature cocktail, ie. Pino Grigio, Skinny Girl Margarita, The Vicki G. Martini, etc.

It is a tragedy that I’ve never tried Ramon PG or Teresa’s Fabellini. PR people: Send me some! 

Step 5: Save all arguments with another Housewife for parties and charity events

If you have a grievance with a Wife, don’t bring it up in a phone call or in a private setting. Wait until the next party or charity fashion show to discuss your disagreements, then set up  a white wine lunch to discuss the disagreements brought up at the party or charity fashion show.

……

Good Luck, Ladies! And Gentlemen, don’t be discouraged that you can’t be a Housewife. Just take this advice and you still have a chance at being a Housewife’s gay stylist, and if that doesn’t pan out, consider a fall back career as an America’s Next Top Model runway coach.

I Did a Cockney Accent for Jimmy Fallon

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So I called in to Watch What Happens Live to ask Jimmy Fallon a question, but it got bumped to the after show. I’m too embarrassed to watch it, but my parents have. I only got so far as watching it on mute to look at their reactions, and then to hear what they said after I hung up. Jimmy Fallon makes fun of me and it’s both crushing and my finest achievement.

I couldn’t get the video to post directly here, so this is the link if you are so inclined to click.

That’s a Deal Breaker, Ladies!

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  • A dead tooth. A missing tooth might not be a deal breaker if it’s far enough back.
  • A missing tooth. Who am I kidding?
  • Wears a fedora. Even if you just wore one once in a Facebook picture, I can never unsee that. I just think a fedora is a symptom of a much bigger problem, like a lack of self awareness and good judgement. (Sidebar: a woman in a straw fedora is not only acceptable, but encouraged).
  • Wears a pork pie hat.
  • Wears any hat for fashion and not function. Baseball hats and winter hats are functional. News boy hats do nothing for no one.
  • Addendum to the above statement: Visors are not technically hats and, yet, despite their function, are a deal breaker.
  • Invites you to a teen community theatre production for a first date or any date thereafter.
  • Compulsively steals bikes (have I got a story for you guys! I’ll tell you about it this week).
  • Posts his own poetry on his Facebook. Reading people’s poetry makes me very uncomfortable.
  • Doesn’t watch TV. What am I supposed to do with you? How can this work?
  • Refuses to dress up for Halloween. If I can’t even get you in a funny or whimsical tee-shirt on my favorite Holy Day, then we are too different and this can never work. If it’s between you and Dead Tooth Guy, if DTG will dress up as Buddy Holly to my Mary Tyler Moore, then you know what my decision is…

It should be noted that these are just my deal breakers and are probably not universal deal breakers, though they should be. It should also be noted that I do not have a boyfriend.

Stuff Girls Do That I’d Like to See Guys Do

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No matter who you are or what you believe in, we can all agree on a couple key issues: 1. The most important thing in life is love. 2. An up-and-comer named Bill Clinton has sufficiently ended our search for the perfect man to play Christian Grey, and 3. Animals dressed like people doing people-y things are sooo funny.

In the same way that dogs playing poker or monkeys wearing make-up is funny to me, sometimes I like to enjoy a giggle over the thought of boys doing girlish things. I don’t mean they’re dressed like girls and it’s not such stereotypically feminine activities like a guy getting his nails done. I heard Tom Brady enjoys a nice mani/pedi from time-to-time,   and he can gently swipe a stray eyelash from cheek with those finely manicured fingers any day (“Make a wish, baby.” “My wish already came true, Tommy. And he’s sitting right here feeding me Triscuits”).

Dem fingernails don’t buff themselves

I’m talking about stuff that isn’t really gender specific at all, but I could never imagine a guy doing by himself or with friends. Like:

  • Eating only steel cut oats and egg whites (or just grapefruit and skim milk. or just meth amphetamine and ice cubes) for a week because they might be seeing someone they’d like to impress or need to fit into a particularly sexy outfit.
  • Getting ready with friends before a night out, singing some Beyonce, sipping on Skinnygirl margaritas and plotting outfits (as in: “you can’t wear that because it’s so and so’s birthday and you can’t outshine her.” Did you boys know that that’s a real sentence we have to say out loud sometimes)?
  • Sitting around doing really scientific and reliable quizzes from a Maxim Mag (what’s that? Men’s Magazines don’t really print quizzes unless they are intrinsically ironic? Then how do you know if you’re Good Boy Hot or Bad Boy Hot)?!

I didn’t know this was pertinent info until Cosmopolitan.com told me it was.  Do you think I’m good girl hot or bad girl hot?

  • Wearing Spanx. Or Yummie Tummies. I don’t get why men aren’t concerned about whether their tummy is yummy. I care if my tummy is yummy. I care if their tummy is yummy. If I have to choose between full fat beer or a girdle so should they!
  • Speaking of Yummie Tummie, I got to thinking about Yummie Tummies and found myself on YummieLife.com, and before I knew it, I had entered this (also something I can’t see a straight man doing):

Guys, I just want to dish with Heatherrrrr!

Now, if you are a man and do any of these things, it is important that you let me know in the comments. Particularly if you entered the Yummie Tummie sweepstakes because we can go in on this together. If I win I’ll take you, and if you win you take me. Deal-skies?

My Small Scale Hoarding

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I love reality TV which is a huge shock to no one, but what might be fascinating to no one is that I like to group my shows by theme. If a certain show doesn’t fit into one of these categories I probably don’t watch it: Middle Aged Women Fighting, Competitions That Showcase a Minimum of 2 Gay Men, Shows That Make Me Feel Better About Myself, and Southerners (the latter being recently created to make room for a one Miss Honey Boo Boo).

Hoarders: Buried Alive falls into the category Shows That Make Me Feel Better About Myself, and resides alongside Intervention in the subcategory of Things I’m Afraid of Becoming. I watch these shows and think, “hey, I might live with my parents and have no purpose in life, but at least I’m not hiding a bottle of Charles Shaw in a loose floor board in my room.” To ensure things stay that way, I like to take some precautionary measures. Like, sometimes I won’t drink for two weeks just to confirm that I can, and I never drink out of a coffee mug because if Intervention has taught me anything, it’s that once you start drinking wine out of a mug it’s all over.

To make sure I don’t wake up one day and realize I’m sleeping on a bed covered with water damaged pashmina scarves and cat skeletons, I like to go through my room and throw a bunch of stuff out that I haven’t used in a year. Yet, as hard as I try, there are some things I never get rid of because “I might use it one day,” which is like, what a true hoarder has printed up on their business cards.

I picked out some of the things that I’ve been hoarding:

 {My Oprah’s Lifeclass Journal}

I got this for free for signing up for Oprah’s Lifeclass, which is humiliating in-and-of itself. Status: Never Been Used.

 {A promotional “It’s Complicated” Wine Koozie}

I didn’t even like “It’s Complicated” that much. Status: Never Used

 {Two Hotel Room Keys from My Vegas Vacation Last Year}

I planned on scrapbooking one of these keys, but for some reason I need them both. “I’m going to scrapbook this” will go on my gravestone. Status: Never been used except for unlocking a hotel room.

 {A Stripper-y Yacht Hat}

I got this as a souvenir from the Pussycat Dolls cabaret show when I went with my mom to Vegas for my 21st birthday. Holding on to it incase I decide I need to strip my way through law school. Status: Worn once in Vegas. So yes, I wore this in public. And there are pictures. Which probably means I can never run for public office.

 {Empty Egg Carton}

This is where things get real hoarder-y. I mean, this is just straight up trash. I’m saving it for next Easter because I think it’d be cute to put some glitter on it and use it to hold mini cupcakes. But I have to hang on to it for the next year because I don’t know if I’ll be able to find another egg carton by next April. Status: Used once to store actual eggs.

{Arden B. Furry Blazer}

I bought this on sale for $50 7 years ago. At the time I thought it was cute, but it turns out a 16 year old doesn’t need a blue houndstooth blazer for any occasion ever. Now I hold on to it in case I’m ever invited to a 90′s theme party so I can pair it with a teddy bear backpack and go as Amber from Clueless. Status: Still has the tags on it.

I think I really need to go throw this stuff out because as any Hoarders viewer knows, you’re only one traumatic life experience away from living in a messy fort made of broken dreams and empty Activia containers.

My Olympic Recap

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Opening Ceremonies

It’s on my DVR. I’ll get to it eventually.

Women’s Beach Volleyball 

Why is it that some of the women wear bathing suit bottoms for this event? On the one hand, I’m sure it’s a lot cooler than an athletic capri, but yet they’re rolling around on an artificial beach, and waterproof fabric is not a steel trap that can successfully protect your lady dungeon from dirty sand. I just feel like maybe a modest boyshort would be a practical compromise.

Women’s Gymnastics

Why do female gymnasts always have such thin eyebrows? Is it for aerodynamic purposes? I do not know how aerodynamics works nor how to correctly use the word in a sentence… I just know it has something to do with Olympians’ body hair.

Bravo

One gripe I have with Bravo, is between their excellent line up of Pregnant in Heals marathons, they play these really random movies that don’t seem like they would appeal to their particularly…. effeminate… audience. I mean, Se7en is a fine movie and all, but I just feel like The First Wives Club would make a more seamless transition to the Real Housewives than Gywneth Paltrow’s head in a box. That said, I feel like it makes just as little sense that Bravo airs Olympic tennis. Like, just hours and hours of tennis when Tabatha’s Takeover is supposed to be pumping out some small business power-lesbian realness. I know that a lot of people who watch Bravo also watch the Olympics, but of the people who don’t watch the Olympics… I’m guessing we all watch Bravo.

Ryan Lochte

 Omg, you guys! Stop encouraging him!!!

 

These are the only 5 things on my Olympic radar.*

*Except I heard that Liam Gallagher might sing ‘Wonderwall’ for the closing ceremonies, in which case these two weeks will all be worth it.

My New Favorite Bravo House Husbands

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Jason Hoppy used to be my main Bravo man, but ever since season 2 of Bethenny Ever After, I have become very disenchanted with him and B-Town.

{Two miserable rich people}

Let me start off by saying I think Bethenny is a holy terror and should have never gotten married to anyone in the first place, but mostly I’m sick of Jason getting his Skinnygirl Shapewear in a twist every time she gets a Christmas card from Ellen and Portia. Sorry you feel emasculated because you couldn’t buy the boat for your family, but keep sipping on your ‘all natural,’ premixed margarita while you sail through Malibu on the S.S. Skinnygirl and get over it.

I have some new favorite Bravo House Husbands who don’t have wives with multi-million dollar empires built on the poor self image and disordered eating habits of America’s women (but I think if they did, they wouldn’t be such a-holes about it).

Kroy Biermann, Husband of Kim Zolciak, Real Housewives of Atlanta


There are three things in life that get me every time and Kroy Biermann has accomplished all of them on Don’t Be Tardy for the Wedding: 1. Hot dads with babies, 2. When a dad paints his daughter’s nails, 3. When step children accept a step parent as their parent-parent and starts calling them mom or dad (I really can’t explain this last one, my parents aren’t divorced or anything, but that turns my black heart pink ev.ry. time). Besides Kroy being one hot dad who loves Kim’s girls as his own, he also seems to be really tickled by her eccentricities. His wedding vows might as well have said “I promise to let you do you, baby girl.”

Terry Dubrow, husband of Heather Dubrow, Real Housewives of Orange County

Terry and Heather Dubrow are encroaching on Ice and Coco’s status as my favorite reality show couple. I mean, I don’t think they’ll ever steal that spot because another thing that gets me every time is when a former bad boy gangsta waxes poetic about how much he loves and admires his wife– but the Dubrow’s are still a close second. The thing I like most about Terry is that he allows Heather to maintain some independence and is always supportive of her rich lady aspirations (“I’m going to open a restaurant so my friends and I have a place to hang out, Terry!” “That sounds fun, Heather!”). When Heather auditioned for a part in a sitcom that shot for 12 hours a day in some impractical place like Canada, Terry never said, “you can’t do this, we have four kids that are still at an age where they will literally die if they go unsupervised.” He knew that she knew that it wouldn’t work, but he let her make that decision on her own rather than telling her no.

Jason, if you’re reading this (I think he’s reading this) learn something from these men and just let Bethenny be the basket case millionaire she was born to be. Being a stay-at-home dad is a very admirable thing, anyway. Someone needs to make sure that Bryn is eating more than scooped out bagels and Skinnygirl meal bars (’cause you KNOW Miss Frankel is unknowingly instilling some food shame into that kid).

Gina and the Live Lip-Dub Proposal

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Everyone is sooo into community theatre ac-torrr and die-rectorrr and all around Renaissance man, Isaac Lamb and the ‘world’s first’ live lipdub proposal. Okay, I get why it’s cute. They all seem like sweet people, and I’m not a complete monster… This is what white people do when they have a lot of time on their hands, and it’s fine.

I’m just not all that interested in the two people getting married… I mean… I found this:

That is Isaac and Amy in costume for the Lakewood Center’s production of City of Angels. I am now less invested in their happiness.

The real star of this video is Gina:

There’s not much info out there on Gi-Gi, but I think she must have choreographed the whole thing because she’s always in front and she’s got jazz hands for days. Bless this girl’s heart because Gina is giving it like this is a 2 o’clock matinee of Anything Goes and she’s going on for one of the Angels who got food poisoning at lunch.

I originally thought that Gina was the sister of the bride or groom because Isaac barely puts the ring on Amy’s finger before she jumps out of her final pose and invites herself into a three-way hug. Apparently she’s just a ‘close friend’ but I think that really means she’s the close musical theatre friend with no boundaries who likes to over share about her eating disorder loudly in the middle of Chili’s. And those are the best friends.

I will say this, though. With any luck, I have a thoughtful friend out there that will show this post to any man who threatens to propose to me (so hopefully this blog still exists in, like, 8-12 years). If he reads this I’d like him to know: I do not want to be involved in the world’s second live lip dub proposal. Or third or fourth. If you subject me to this I might still say yes, but just know if a flash mob is involved the answer is a flat no. Basically, stay away from anything that might produce a viral youtube video. Some additional tips would be don’t hide a ring in any sort of food or beverage, and I don’t want any animals involved, UNLESS you can train a small monkey to give me a ring OR teach a gorilla to sign ‘will you marry me?’ To be honest, I think we’ve just found the ideal way to propose to me and if Koko the Gorilla isn’t involved in some capacity, color me disappointed.

My actual favorite proposal video is from the Howie Mandel show about flash mobs (aptly named MOBBED) which is arguably the most underrated piece of television programming in history.

I encourage you to sit through the entire video- I promise it’s worth your time. If you don’t have an extra 15 minutes so your life can change and your eyes can open and you can smell colors and taste laughter, I’ll give you the highlights:

******SPOILER ALERT********

The video STARTS with her crying because she’s made to believe her boyfriend is cheating on her. It ENDS with her essentially being coerced into marrying him RIGHT THERE amongst her friends, family, and 200 of Los Angeles’s finest back up dancers. And somewhere in the middle are two separate flashmobs.

What little girl doesn’t dream of Howie Mandel having some sort of involvement in her wedding?

That’s Plenty, Thanks

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That’s plenty:

  • Feather hair extensions. 
  • John Mayer. (Hasn’t Jennifer Aniston been through enough?!)
  • People referring to their boyfriends as “the boy.”
  • Tim Burton and Johnny Depp. 
  • Reality stars wearing bandage dresses. We can’t all look good in bandage dresses!
  • Skinny Perez Hilton. He somehow set a new benchmark on how upset I am by newly thinned out celebrities. The scale is now from a Skinny Seth Rogen to a Skinny Perez Hilton, with Skinny Al Roker somewhere in the middle. I’m offended by how angular his jaw is. 
  • ‘Spirit Animal’ jokes. (But if we’re keeping track, Sally Draper is my spirit animal [but not Kiernan Shipka, who I think is a leetle too proud of herself]).

    Stop encouraging her, Jon Hamm.

  • Anchorman 2. Just when everyone gave me some peace and stopped quoting Anchorman 1, Anchorman 2 is coming out. Young white men, you have already ruined this movie for me. 

Alternatively:

This vision of class was on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon last night:

Mariska Hargitay, you keep doin’ whachu doin.’