The Sound of Music Live: A Wine Soaked Recap

You know, I wasn’t hotly anticipating NBC’s Live from LA it’s The Sound of Music! telecast. I just didn’t understand the why’s and the how’s of it all. I even missed the first half hour of it while I was busy catching up on my favorite gay fantasia, Coven. But by the time the episode finished, my glass of limited edition Three Buck Chuck Nouveau was not yet empty, so I decided to check it out. And, wow. Sometimes you don’t know what you want, so the Universe just gives you what you need. 

I think I really went through something while watching this, so I’ll show you my live-tweets, so you get an in-the-moment sense of what happened:

1617So, already I feel like I’m watching The Sound of Music, something I’ve seen a million times, with fresh eyes.

symbolismBut, right? Liesl’s in love and everything’s roses and gazebos at midnight, then one day he’s a Nazi! Like, two minutes ago he was singing about how he’s going to take care of her and now suddenly he is really comfortable with throwing her entire family on a train, and I can tell you, it is NOT going to Clarksville, okay?? Little Marta is going straight to a camp where you do not make lanyards and Rolph won’t even think twice about it because he’s already taken up with some Aryan tart! MEN!!!

Yikes, someone get this girl a Sleepytime tea!

Onward…

Then at some point, this little sliver of Broadway perfection waltzed her way onto the screen and into my heart:

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benantiThen Maria goes back to the Abbey (oh, sorry, are you wondering what my thoughts are on Underwood? I think her deadpan line read was oddly comforting and took me right back to every mediocre community theatre production of The Sound of Music that I saw throughout my childhood. Loved it).

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Then Maria comes back from the abbey because Audra McDonald’s like, look, sex is natural, sex is good, not everybody does it, but you totally can. And then she says you can’t swear off men just because the guy you’re into is marrying someone way better than you. Which I’m guessing is what inspired all those Sex and the City episodes, but if you have half a brain you know that Big leaves Natasha and goes with the blonde woman by the end, anyway.

working girl tweet

Then things took a turn.

benantiiiApparently, I thought it was okay to start roping people I don’t even know into my feminist tirade:

gibbler But leave it to Ronan Farrow to ground us all back in the reality.

ronanThen it was 10:30 and I had to go to bed because this thing is way too long. It takes her a half hour JUST TO GET TO THE CHILDREN. I didn’t need to know there was a problem like Maria, just totally unnecessary to the plot except that all those nuns allow for some extra parts for female actors, so I take it all back. 

But I’d say my biggest take away from this television EVENT was:

clarkson Right?

Thoughts on the VMA’s From Someone Who Didn’t Watch the VMA’s

Full disclosure, I did catch the tail end of the Justin Timberlake performance, but the rest of my information was gleaned through tumblr GIFS, so I have a lot of questions.

  • Lance Bass is to *NSYNC reunion as Michelle Williams is to Destiny’s Child reunion? And do you think the blonde Michelle Williams could have done a better job as a replacement in both performances?20130827-123226.jpg
  • Is Justin’s bald dancer with the manicured beard just as sexy as Justin himself OR is it just Dancer in a tux with an undone bow tie that’s seducing/confusing me? I’ve been grappling with this since JT’s last SNL performance and I’m no closer to an answer.
  • I’ve said this before, but this is Jimmy Fallon’s world and we’re just living in it. Like, it is carte blanche for that guy. I love Jimmy, but when did fanboying at every VMA show and recording summer anthems with kazoos on a Macbook become business as usual?
  • Is Richard Simmons living the best life of all?20130827-123232.jpg
  • Between Katy Perry’s grills grillz(?) and Miley Montana, there was a fair amount of cultural appropriation, and it’s not okay… BUT, was Katy’s punishment that they looked like braces with pastel elastic bands for Easter? As for Miley, can you blame someone for not knowing what a minstrel show looks like when they’ve received their education on the Disney lot in 20 minute increments between wig changes? Sure. Probably.20130827-123220.jpg
  • I get the distinct feeling that if it weren’t for some Growing Pains hush-money there might’ve been some old statutory rape charges on Robin Thicke’s record.
  • Gaga, aren’t you tired?20130827-123151.jpg
  • So, Miley….. I don’t think it’s fair that we as a culture sexualize young women then ridicule them when they act sexually. If we ridicule her for anything it should be that she’s an awful dancer with blind confidence. Sidebar: there is no way that Liam Helmsworth is still about this, right?

On a final, related note…

  • How mad is Christina Aguilera that people once made such a big deal over “Dirrrty?” Seems like peanuts now, doesn’t it?

A Week Without Fruit, But Full of Freedom

Did everyone have a good 4th of July weekend?

This is what I did:

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Basically, I treated the last week as if it was my birthday where I celebrate for days by binge eating until food doesn’t taste good anymore.

Between yogurt and bagels I ate:

  • 1 hot dog
  • 1 burger
  • 1 quarter pounder with cheese (which is in a burger category all its own)
  • 1 slider (or like, half a burger?)
  • 2 Subway sammiches. Truthfully, it could have been 3.
  • 2 steak tacos from Del Taco
  • Fries on fries on fries.
  • and a kiddie sized Frosty for dipping.
  • Chips on dip on dip.
  • Two spicy chicken sandwiches in less than 24 hours, but one was from McDonald’s while the other was from Wendy’s, and those are two totally different experiences
  • and 2 fried cheesecake bites from the Del Taco drive thru that I couldn’t wait to eat, so I shoveled them into my gullet with one hand and steered into my garage with the other as I watched my trainer neighbor Nick run sprints shirtless on our sidewalk. I pawed sadly at the window and slowly drove passed him.

One day I shall introduce myself to him when my mouth isn’t full of fried saturated fats. But I don’t know when that day would realistically happen….

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LET CHER LIVE!

Tuesday night, Cher performed live on The Voice to mixed reviews from my father. 
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Apparently, the song had something to do with this being a woman’s world, but clearly this is Cher’s universe and we can only be but grateful to be sleeping under the same moon and stars. The woman has paid her dues many times over, and if she wants to live out the twilight of her life looking Rufio from Hook, then we have no business stopping her. May God Bless and keep that rooster-headed drag queen.

ChervsRufio RU-FI-O! RU-FI-O! 

Why I Won’t Make Fun of Miss Utah

If you think the acronym “NSA” is shorthand for the 2011 romantic comedy No Strings Attached then you have probably heard about Miss Utah screwing up her onstage question at the Donald Trump-owned Miss USA pageant. If you haven’t heard about it, here is a clip, and also who are you and why are you reading this blog?

Rough.

Now, I’ve noticed that people are taking either one of two positions with this Miss Utah situation (you’ve entered the situation room! What does NSA stand for? Who is Benghazi? I DUNNO!):

They either A.) Have zero sympathy and call her a bimbo, or B.) Give her all of the sympathy because stringing together a coherent sentence on national TV is very nerve wracking.

But I’ve found a third option because I don’t see the deflated breast implant as half empty or half full.

Hold on, it’s gonna take me a minute to get to it…

Maybe Marissa Powell isn’t very smart, but she doesn’t have to be. She was campaigning for Miss USA (and probably for a show on FOX News), not Secretary of State. Not everyone can be smart, and I feel like the probability of having that symmetrical of a face AND knowing how to intelligently answer a question on the societal implications of the gender/wage gap is very slim.

Slim like that beautiful waistline of hers.

Or maybe she is smart and that 30 second clip wasn’t an accurate reflection of her intelligence.

Regardless, as an audience, it’s not fair that we watch a pageant where you won’t be taken seriously if you’re under 5’9 without heels and throw them a question on gender inequality (perhaps a subject that pageant girls from Utah aren’t super familiar with?) then tell them to just shut their mouthes and stick to being beautiful when they screw it up.

Surely, there was a beautiful woman up there who could have answered the question eloquently, but don’t eviscerate Miss Utah because she couldn’t. If you want the real answer to that onstage question, then why don’t we open up the pageant to some Bryn Mawr student who doesn’t know the proper form for a squat.

Either way, pageants aren’t a great scale to measure a woman on because being smart or beautiful doesn’t determine the worth of a human being. Apparently, Marissa is a singer/songwriter, an ambassador for a charity that brings rehabilitation medicine to Haiti, and has a terminally ill little brother, so maybe she’s not so bad and we can all chill the eff out on publicly humiliating a 21 year-old. At least she’s out there doing something other than crack. I don’t love pageants, but they are certainly better than crack.

Sooooo, I guess that third option I was talking about earlier is we all enter into a nationwide suicide pact for allowing Donald Trump to decide the criteria for the ideal woman? That sounds right, I think.

Ugh, feminism is hard.

Here’s another idea: instead of making fun of someone, we use all that excess energy to burn TMZ to the ground for posting stuff like this:

Screen shot 2013-06-18 at 11.20.11 AM Screen shot 2013-06-18 at 11.20.40 AMWho’d you rather, guys?! Miss South Carolina !!TEEN!! or Miss Utah?

Rather what?

Hire as the CFO for your Silicon Valley start-up?

Be the godmother and role model to your future children?

Put your penis in?

Right!! Sorry!! That last one is all that matters! Thanks, TMZ!!!!

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Free Lucy Elizabeth: The Saddest Nancy Grace Twin

Poor, little Lucy Elizabeth seems to have figured out that she rode the vagina water slide into a cruel universe that would bestow upon her half the DNA of Nancy Grace and half the DNA of a man who would marry Nancy Grace. Meanwhile, her brother, John David, takes in the sights and sounds of Legoland, blissfully unaware that his mother is not just “mommy,” she’s Nancy Grace. And she stands by the theory that Amanda Knox is guilty.

Lucy Elizabeth knows, and she carries that burden for the both of them.

Stay strong, Lucy Elizabeth. Let John David enjoy his ignorance for just a little longer. He’ll know soon enough.

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Super Bowl Commercials: Antiquated Gender Roles for Sale!

There is nothing that enhances the Super Bowl experience more for men than lessons during the commercial breaks on pervasive sexism in the media. Though I didn’t have a decisive opinion on which team I was rooting for (I wanted the tearful murderer to lose, but I also wanted Sandra Bullock’s son to win, except they were both on the Ravens so just call me Natalie Imbruglia [I'm torn]), I was certainly sure about one thing: the sexual objectification of women in Super Bowl commercials is a major bummer!

I’ll admit that not every commercial was sexist; some were racist and some had cute animals.

Now, you might be wondering why I’m talking about this subject since women are allowed to vote and because it’s technically illegal for a male employer to rub his khaki covered genitals against a female employee while he pretends to reach for a coffee filter in the break room. You’d think between the right to participate in a democratic society and the right to not get Mad Men-ed at work we woman would finally feel like we have it all. Well, there’s still a bunch of stuff we could all work on, so why don’t we have a ourselves a kiki and talk this mothah out?

To make sense of it all, I have broken down some of the stand-out commercials and rated their lady-hating on a scale of arbitrary numbers and symbols.

AUDI

So this dateless nerd is driving to prom in his Audi, when suddenly some kind of penis adrenaline fumes emitting from the car seep into his brain. He hits the gas, marches into prom, physically grabs a hot girl, turns her around, and kisses her. CUT TO: Nerd driving home with a black eye, presumably caused by the boyfriend of the girl he just assaulted. Fade to black and the word, “bravery”.

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Score: I’ll give this one 5 Notre Dame Football Players. This commercial basically says that it’s manly to take what’s owed to you (the sexuality of women) and taking a punch for it is cool and admirable (oh, and every girl secretly wants “it”). Little white boy, you are just so brave. Like, adolescent leukemia patients have nothing on you.

GoDaddy

Screen shot 2013-02-04 at 2.28.49 PMI just posted a screenshot instead of the actual video because I have a strict “no audible kissing” policy on my blog. The commercial is basically talking about how GoDaddy is sexy and smart, illustrated through a hot girl and nerd guy making out. It was just super gross, and it made me feel sad for Bar Rafaeli, because how the mighty have fallen. This is just the absolute worst way to stick it to Leonardo DiCaprio.

Score: 3 Ed O’Neills from Little Giants. The ad was just perpetuating the idea that women are supposed to be sexy and men are supposed to be smart.

Toyota

Here, Kaley plays a fully clothed genie granting wishes for a family. Although I don’t think a scantily clad woman is inherently sexist, sometimes it’s just refreshing to see an attractive young woman in a well-fitting pants suit, boobies contained. The best part of the ad was when the young daughter asks the genie to make her a princess, and instead of just dipping that girl in glue and rolling her in glitter like I was expecting, they turn her into this badass Joan of Arc-y princess complete with a sword and army.

Score: 4 Becky “IceBox” O’Sheas and 1 Tami Taylor. I can drive my 2006 Corolla proudly knowing that it’s both dependable and socially conscious.

The Fictional Carrie Scale of Poor Decision Making Skills

The fictional Carries of film and television have a long and storied history of using questionable judgement. Because their life choices are so varied in their levels of stupidity, Carries are the perfect subject for a scale that can measure the poor decision making skills of others.

carriescale

Homeland Spoiler Alerts Ahead:  I’m being really nice letting you know because at this point you should have stopped procrastinating and finished the second season. You can’t just keep backlogging episodes while we all walk on eggshells. Next time you get no warning. Put aside a wine and snuggle weekend and just finish that shit! 

0-2, or Carrie Heffernan: Carrie of King of Queens is a hottie whose status is confirmed by another hottie, Zack Morris. Despite spending a magical summer with him at Malibu Sands Beach Club, she somehow ends up with a fat UPS worker. Though she is way out of her husband’s league, he does put up with her father that lives with them and almost ruins their lives every 22 minutes, something Zack probably wouldn’t deal with. Overall, not such a terrible decision, depending on your feelings for Kevin James.

3-5, or Carrie White: Carrie in Carrie is only a 3-5 because she couldn’t really help going all telekinesis-y, and it was the other kids’ faults for the pig’s blood. The bad decision was not listening to her mother that everyone was going to laugh at her if she went to prom. However crazy your mom might be, she’s usually right about that stuff. Know when to take good advice.

6-8, or Carrie Bradshaw: It is my opinion that the difference between being a girl and being a woman is whether or not you believe that Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City is an acceptable role model. How many Style Network marathons did it take for you to realize she’s a needy, selfish woman? Putting aside whether or not she should have married Aidan, the dude offered to refinish her floors foh’ FREE, and after only a couple hours with the noise of the sander, she gives him some attitude, goes to a hotel and CHEATS on him! You did not have to do him like that, Carrie. You could have just written at Starbucks like the rest of us. That is some above average poor decision making.

9-10, or Carrie Mathison: For all the terrible, unavailable men Carrie Bradshaw dated, she never came close to dating the multi-hyphenate of awful that is Brody, the ginger-husband-father-terrorist that Carrie Mathison of Homeland fell in love with. I mean, you risk your life and career for this dude, and when you almost say you love him, he tells you “careful”?! Does this guy know he’s a terrorist?! AND A GINGER? Not only are you in love with a married, suicide vest wearing red head, you like him more than he likes you. If you’ve hit this red zone you should seek help immediately because you are now way beyond dating politicians with golden shower fetishes, and we need to adjust your medication before you start having jazz fits.

Homeland Could Be Jazzier

It’s Friday night and I’m doing a ‘lel blogging.

Did you know that one of the great things about being single is that you can eat Indian food whenever you want and nobody cares (except the two parents you live with but they can’t break up with you, so whatever). Also, I’ve watched two different programs today that included a moos-tach-ee-ode Steve Harvey, and I taught myself how to cross-stitch. Steve was giving some advice on marriage and I learned a lot, so if any gentleman would like me to embroider you a t-shirt made out of some wife material jus. leh. meh. know.

To carry you into the weekend, I’d like to share a video with you that you’ll only get if you watch Homeland. If you’ve never seen Homeland, go watch the two seasons and then while you’re at it watch Nashville, but before both of those watch Happy Endings, and then come back and watch this video created by the hilarious Julie Klausner for Vulture.com (click-y clack-y scat, scat, scat below).

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