Feminist Approved “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”

This is a rewrite of how the song “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” should go. Please share and subscribe!

Second Glass

I costarred in a webseries called Drinking Problems created by Nate Larkin-Connolly for the wine company Second Glass. They’re funny and you will accidentally learn stuff!

If you like those check out the other fun videos they have on the Second Glass youtube channel.

Peter Pan Proposal Video

Normally, I am not impressed by viral Youtube proposal videos. It just seems a little narcissistic to me. Yes, the proposer has put time and effort into making this grand gesture, but is it all about creating a romantic experience for your partner or about making it to the homepage of Buzzfeed?

I don’t know how I want to be proposed to, but I do know it would not involve the following:

  • Engagement rings tied to dog collars.
  • Flashmobs
  • Howie Mandel pranking me.
  • Singing of any kind.
  • Anything pertaining to high altitude including, but not limited to: hot air balloons, sky writing, or Denver.
  • Sporting events, with the exception of Michael Vartan proposing on a pitcher’s mound at a high school baseball playoff game.
  • Rings hidden in food or beverages.
  • Any sort of public place that puts us at risk of being applauded.

I’m a simple girl who would be happy with just a sweeping declaration of how amazing I am, set in a whimsical location probably equipped with some sort of outdoor lighting, ie: twinkle lights, lanterns, etc. The scene where Freddie Prinze Jr. professes his love for Rachel Leah Cook by the pool in She’s All That comes to mind. (A Never Been Kissed andShe’s All That reference in one post?! Someone call Alicia Keys because this girl is on fire!!!)

With all that said, this Peter Pan proposal video is the weirdest, most entertaining thing I’ve seen in the last 7 hours which means a lot because I spend Monday through Friday looking at all of the internet until nothing is left. Watch it and then see if you agree with my highlights:

  • Giant dog pulling focus.
  • Is this a steampunk rendition of Peter Pan where they sing “You Raise Me Up” at curtain call?
  • If this is how loud Jane cries when she’s being proposed to, how loud will she cry when her youngest child leaves home for good or when she watches her elderly mother descend into senility?

Ah, love! Ain’t it grand?

 

The Greatest Event in Television History

My mom and dad made a home movie I’d like to share with you.

A shot-by-shot recreation of the 80’s TV show Hart to Hart.

If you have a spare 18 minutes to watch this in the middle of a work day, you probably need a laugh, you sad, unemployed loser. I watched this in the minutes before my slave driver roommate woke up and ordered me back to my sewing machine. Yesterday she had me up all night sewing pillows until carpal tunnel set in, and today I’m Von Trapping some curtains for our living room. My tiny, nimble, toddler fingers can barely muster the strength to type this to you. If you are reading this, if anyone reads this(?), please send help. Also send food. I’ve only eaten almond butter and brown rice cakes all week. I’m in the mood for sushi.

Funny Lady Recommendations

Here’s some funny business made by funny ladies:

I haven’t even read any of the Hunger Games books, but if I had I’d probably think this was even funnier. This is Holly Laurent- she was on the Second City mainstage while I was studying there my senior year fall semester. I saw her in the Second City bathroom once and I gushed at her for a minute so obviously, I think I know her.

This is Julie Klausner. I hope to be like her one day, although I don’t think my hair could ever get the kind of volume she achieves like it’s no big deal. Her podcast,  How Was Your Week? is my new thing, and you should check it out on itunes. Julie writes the most artful and brilliant Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recaps. I plan on reading her book “I Don’t Care About Your Band” the second I finish my Hillary Clinton memoir (you know how I do).

AND FINALLY…

The fictional twitter of Debra Messing’s character in SMASH!…. this isn’t meant to be funny… but gosh it is.

I Wish…

I wish I was the kind of person who….

.……..had monogrammed stationery. I feel like there’s no greater mark of an adult who has it together than sending out monogrammed thank you notes for a lovely job interview or lunch date.

………could say to someone, “Just promise you won’t fall in love with me.” If you say this to someone, you better be sure that you can back it up with them falling in love with you. This is like, a sleeper statement… the real impact occurs after a period of dormancy. When you first say something like that, I don’t think your victim has any other choice but to think you’re a lunatic. But then if they do fall in love with you, the payoff is just that much more theatrical. If the kind of person who says this is real and doesn’t live in a movie, my hat’s off to you. I just could not be so bold.

……….who liked cats. Though I have my preconceived judgements about cat people (don’t be mad, I know how much bloggers love cats), I still wish I, at the very least, wasn’t afraid of cats. When I move out of my ‘rents, it would be nice to have a pet, but I couldn’t have a dog because there would be no one to take her out all day. Since cats are so self sufficient (ie. if you died it could live off eating your dead body and peeing in the tub for months… [your dog would either find help or starve and then die nobly cuddled by your side on the kitchen floor]) they are the perfect pet for a single, busy person. I just don’t enjoy them. I think a big cat scratched the hell out of me when I was a toddler, so I’ve been scared ever since. Or, this memory of being attacked by a cat was something I dreamed as a child…. regardless, the trauma is still very real to me.

I think I could accomplish the first one. And you know what they sing, “now, don’t be sad, ’cause 1 out of 3 is perfectly adequate.”

Tommy and the Norway Butter Crisis

This is Tommy. He’s a ‘singer, celebrities, and bloggers’ from Norway, and he has something to say to American comedians. Apparently, there is a severe butter shortage in Norway, and some of our own comics are making jokes about the Norwegian’s misfortune.

Tommy, let me be the first comedian* to apologize to you. Though I’ve never been paid to do comedy, so I’m technically not professional, and can really only call myself a comedian because I think it in my head… I must speak for everyone and say how sorry I am for how insensitive the US has been.

Our Norwegian friend makes a great point in this video. We make light of the Norwegians’ situation, but Americans are, as he says, very fat. I’m not looking to make anyone feel bad or anything, but these are just facts. We would really miss butter if suddenly it wasn’t available. I’m not fat (I’m not trying to brag or anything, but medically and stuff… I’m not fat) but I love to use bread as a vehicle to transport butter into my face-hole. I would feel a great void if it were gone.

Besides just bread and butter, think of how many recipes call for butter. Norway’s traditional Christmas cake is a butter cake. What are they supposed to do now?! And vegans, don’t you dare tell me they should use some vegan butter substitue. Get out of here, vegans! Get out!

Look, America. Have you ever seen pain like that? Tommy and his country are hurting. Don’t make fun of them. It’s just not right.

If you do make fun of Norway, I hope Tommy goes to your house and eats all your butter while your family watches. Then goes to your neighbor’s house and eats their butter. You totally deserve it.

Although, I will say, it’s kind of easy to make butter. Like, you can just buy some cream and whip it with some salt…

Irrelevant. Tommy, thank you for your bravery in speaking out.

*I’m a comedian, not a comedienne. Just like I’m an actor not and actress. You don’t call a female doctor a doctress, do you? Sorry, I’ll chill out.

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Check in tomorrow for a DIY holiday gift video that I’ll be posting.

In the meantime, subscribe to my blog for email updates or follow me on twitter!

Funny Friday: Sh*t Girls Say

One of my favorite twitter accounts is @shitgirlssay, which just tweets these short, unspecific things that girls say. It’s just really genius in its simplicity, and hilarious in a funny-cuz-it’s-true way.

Recently, the guy who writes this twitter came out with a webseries by the same name. The actor is Kyle Humphrey, and it was written/created with Kyle’s partner, Graydon Sheppard. It’s basically the most flawless example of a webseries I’ve ever seen. Watch it. You’re welcome.

Happy Friday, one and all. Share a bottle of wine with yourself tonight. You deserve it.

Stop by tomorrow (12/17) when I give you some great present ideas for people you don’t like enough to spend much money on.

Funny Friday

Since it’s Funny Friday, here’s a video I made last year for a school project while I was doing the Second City college comedy program for the semester.

…Ummmmm…. hope you like it and stuff. If you don’t like it, I didn’t really try that hard on it or anything, it’s whatever.

[EDIT:] So, my mom reads my blog, and then critiques/proofreads it…like, days after I’ve posted it, and my mom would like me to delete the above comment because as she says “sometimes she doesn’t get my jokes,” and she didn’t know that was a joke. This leads me to believe that maybe other people don’t get that the above comment was sarcasm (not quite a joke), I did try hard. I’m not going to delete it, because I don’t feel like thinking of something to write in it’s place, so this is just a disclaimer. Okay, that’s enough.