Second Glass

I costarred in a webseries called Drinking Problems created by Nate Larkin-Connolly for the wine company Second Glass. They’re funny and you will accidentally learn stuff!

If you like those check out the other fun videos they have on the Second Glass youtube channel.

Happy Singles Awareness Day

JUST KIDDING, DUMMIES, I HAVE A DATE THIS YEAR!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHDHAHDAUIHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!@@!!!!!!!!!!!

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Sorry to gloat. If it makes you feel any better, I ate a Sprinkles cupcake and a mocha latte for breakfast and now I feel sick….

……except I don’t even care because they were both free, compliments of my office building!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! anigif_enhanced-buzz-350-1378883218-16

Cro-nuts for Crumbnuts

How’s my week going?

Well, I almost drove into oncoming traffic while looking at a poster for cronuts in the Crumbs Cupcakes window, I’ve been commuting 45 minutes to work in a car with no A/C in 100 degree weather, and at one point, a Trader Joe’s cashier seemed genuinely concerned for my well-being. 

Overall, I find TJ’s employees to be way too prying and overly friendly. I appreciate them asking if I have a fun weekend planned, but they always take that next step too far and ask me what I’m doing. You have checked my ID and can see I’m a 24-year-old buying only $4 wine, egg whites, a quart of skim milk, and Ezekiel bread, so what do you think I’m doing? Eating an egg sandwich for dinner, drinking a glass of wine while listening to “Bad Girls” by MIA, then teetering around West Hollywood in cork wedges, desperately trying to make a human connection with a man I hope won’t slip a rohypnal into whatever variation of a gin and elderflower cocktail I’m drinking. Like, why bother asking?

Anyway, my cashier made some intense eye contact and asked if I was okay, then proceeded to tell me how I have “beautiful eyes, and do I get that a lot?, and I just think this world is just such a hard place and we should all be kinder to each other and compliment each other more.” Now, I could, could have launched into a feminist tirade about how he would never say that to a male customer, and why does he assume that my emotional well-being is tied to a strange man’s approval of my appearance, BUT. But. He meant well. I think he gave himself a pat on the back for probably saving me from turning on some Patsy Cline and Girl, Interrupting myself in a warm bath. And let him think that.

In reality, though, I just have something called a Resting Bitch Face, so people are constantly asking if I’m okay.

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Anyway, anyway. Crumbnuts. Probably the best part of my week? They’re just a cross between a donut and a croissant, though I will go out on a limb and say these particular cronut knock-offs are just a croissant shaped like a donut, filled with Bavarian creme. Still good, though I felt like a garbage can after I finished it. God did not intend for humans to eat cronuts. Or movie theatre nachos. Or Dominos stuffed cheesy bread. Yet here we are, and here we shall remain. Human trash compactors.

Sorry, does this sound like a suicide note?

If you’re interested in reading something that doesn’t sound like it was written in Winona Ryder’s journal circa 1992, you should check out Kasey’s Kitchen, a blog written by my coworker, without whom, those cronuts would not be possible. She had a bunch of Crumbs gift cards and a dream.

Also, formal apology to Kasey for including her in my bell-jar of a blog post.

A Week Without Fruit, But Full of Freedom

Did everyone have a good 4th of July weekend?

This is what I did:

grey-gardens-dance-o

Basically, I treated the last week as if it was my birthday where I celebrate for days by binge eating until food doesn’t taste good anymore.

Between yogurt and bagels I ate:

  • 1 hot dog
  • 1 burger
  • 1 quarter pounder with cheese (which is in a burger category all its own)
  • 1 slider (or like, half a burger?)
  • 2 Subway sammiches. Truthfully, it could have been 3.
  • 2 steak tacos from Del Taco
  • Fries on fries on fries.
  • and a kiddie sized Frosty for dipping.
  • Chips on dip on dip.
  • Two spicy chicken sandwiches in less than 24 hours, but one was from McDonald’s while the other was from Wendy’s, and those are two totally different experiences
  • and 2 fried cheesecake bites from the Del Taco drive thru that I couldn’t wait to eat, so I shoveled them into my gullet with one hand and steered into my garage with the other as I watched my trainer neighbor Nick run sprints shirtless on our sidewalk. I pawed sadly at the window and slowly drove passed him.

One day I shall introduce myself to him when my mouth isn’t full of fried saturated fats. But I don’t know when that day would realistically happen….

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LORDE- Royals

I found this music video on Jezebel.com this morning and I can’t stop listening to it while moving my shoulders in a suggestive manner as I obsessively refresh Twitter in my matching pajama set.

Lorde (Ella Yelich-O’Connor) is a 16 year-old girl from New Zealand, and, like, good for her or whatever, but I’m 24 and have a cool blog I do for free, so I guess she and Jackie Evancho aren’t the only child prodigies in this world. I have some other really impressive things happening for me, too. Yesterday, I figured out how to game the Chipotle system* and last week I invented putting an egg on my leftover steak burrito bowl for breakfast.

Am I gifted?

Listen, I’m just trying to live my life like any normal kid.

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*Order online, check off the “guacamole” option, then in the special instructions ask for it on the side. They will get confused and give you guac both on the bowl AND on the side, but only charge you for one. Remember not to jump off your roof, though, because when you pull this off, you’ll think you can fly.

7 Rules of Brunch

(Guest Editorial)

Brunch: It’s the most important meal of the week. It serves as the foundation for your entire week, your relationships, friendships and way of life. Brunch should never be taken lightly; it’s a serious engagement that deserves respect, attention and the right amount of TLC.

As a twenty something, you should view brunch as your guide to understanding your life and because of this, it should be prescribed regularly.

Because brunch can be an intricate mind game, I decided I would come up with the rules or brunch to help you understand what exactly is expected of you at brunch and to ensure that you get the most out of your brunching experience.

Women On Vacation

1. Brunch is not brunch without alcohol (unless you’re under 21 or a recovering alcoholic–then we can let this slide). The whole reason for brunch is to wash away the destruction you did the night before. You can’t possibly do that with a yogurt parfait and water, so be sure you start your day off right with a mimosa/bloody mary (or five, whatever you want to do).

2. Brunch should only occur with important people in your life. Brunch is a time for honesty. Did you do something stupid last night? People who care about you are going to tell you that you’re dumb, acquaintances will not. Brunch is a time for catching up. You don’t care what an acquaintance has been doing, but you totally need to know about your friend’s new beau or job. Save paltry lunches for acquaintances, because brunch is about a deep-seeded love that only people who matter can fill.

3. Brunch is about dishing on your latest escapes with no shame. It doesn’t matter if you’re in a hole-in-the-wall brunch spot or a fancy restaurant, this is the time you tell you friends about the crazy one night stand or rendezvous you had. Maybe you got some crazy sex toy from Adam and Eve? Who cares, dish about it. While brunch is a time for honesty, it’s also a no judgement zone.

4. Don’t worry about what you look like. Brunch is about wearing last night’s eyeliner. Always. Just smear it back in place. It’s not like you’re going to meet any single guys there anyway. The majority of men at brunch are gay or with their girlfriend’s. On second thought, you might bump into your ex and his new girlfriend, so at least run a comb through that hair, you lazy alch-y.

5. Brunch should not be hurried. Like a good wine, brunch should be savored and enjoyed. Don’t rush it like some undergrad beer bonging water down beer. Brunch can be a spiritual experience, like shoe shopping, and needs to be regarded as such. If you don’t have at least an hour, if not three, to dedicate to brunching, skip it. You can’t possibly work out all your problems, relationship woes and drama in under an hour. Don’t worry, servers love it when you take up their table for 3 hours.

6. Brunch only happens between the hours of 11AM and 3PM on a Saturday or Sunday. A meal before 11AM on the weekend (or anytime really) is breakfast. A meal after 3PM is a late lunch or dinner. Don’t mess with brunch and schedule it super early or late. This is not Nam. This is brunch. There are rules! Lebowski fans, anyone? Bueller? No? Fine.

7. Finally, brunch is a celebration (of life, love, happiness, success…) and should always be had when there is a reason to celebrate. Honor your good news and pair it with brunch, because there’s no better feeling than fluffy french toast topped with success and maple syrup.

Did your last brunch stand up to the rules?

Sugarlyn Cakes

I have lived a very difficult life at the hands of my mother. Because of her, nearly every elementary school class birthday has been ruined for me. Since childhood, I have had an extremely refined palate for cakes due to her superior baking, which makes it impossible for me to enjoy grocery store baked goods or canned frostings, and I seemed to be the only 8 year old who knew that apple juice does not go with cake. Milk goes with cake, MILK! Who raised you, elementary school parents? Certainly not my mother.

On a weekly basis I had to politely eat the cupcakes and juice parents brought in for birthdays, wishing that like the other students, I was blissfully ignorant to the delicious cupcakes that existed in the world. Cupcakes that ruin you for all other cupcakes. The only solace I had was when my birthday rolled around and my mother could finally bring in her baked goods and MILK. We always killed it for my class birthday. In the fifth grade, I came up with the brilliant and totally unexpected plan to have a Hoodsie sundae bar. The best class birthdays always came from the chubby kids, and thanks to my size 16′s I was throwing milk-fused ragers.

I’ve always told my mother she should sell her cupcakes, and after winning the baking contest at the Fluff festival a few weeks ago, she finally decided to do it!

Introducing Sugarlyn Cakes!

 

{instagram: @daralaine}

So if you ever want to order some, let me know. For the drop-off, we can meet in a public, neutral location in case you’re using your cupcake order as an opportunity to murder me while enjoying delicious treats.

Fluff Festival in Somerville, MA

Can I interest you in a little light reading? Mostly pictures, nothing you have to think too hard about. A “FLUFF” piece, if you will?

On Saturday, I went to the Fluff* Festival in Somerville, MA (which is basically just Boston with a little bit more parking) with my saintly mother, Lynne. The hipsters and hipsters with children (apparently, their skinny jeans  have not cut off enough circulation to their genitalia to stop them from having children. Shame. Also, doesn’t Genitalia sound like something a hipster would name their kid?) were out in full force. We didn’t let that stop us, though. There was marshmallow creme product to be eaten, and we were all business.

The best of the food was the pumpkin fluff cannoli, which was essentially just a tube of fried dough. Another highlight was the coffee porter with fluff vodka and a Fluff floater, and the Shipyard Pumpkinhead with Vanilla Vodka and a Fluff floater. Both were delightful, and I can probably never drink or smell them again. :(

{Follow me on Instagram: @daralaine}

But the best part of the day was when my mom won the baking contest with her pumpkin cupcakes with maple-Fluff cream cheese frosting!

I’m so proud!

*Does anyone reading this NOT know what Fluff is? I thought everyone did, but I think it’s just a New England thing, which means we are obnoxious about it. It’s marshmallow creme, made in Lynn, Mass… we use hot cocoa as a vessel for Fluff. Or we eat it by the spoonful. One time I made an eggo panini using two eggos, peanut butter, fluff, and a Mike Tyson grill. Is that an eating disorder? [Update: Mike Tyson doesn't have a grill, it was a broken george foreman grill that didn't heat up so I just smooshed the eggo's together. Eating disorder?]

St. Paddy’s Day

This year I went out with my family for St. Patrick’s Day (I say that like I don’t always go out with my parent’s for St. Patrick’s Day), and we did some early day drinking. There are good things and bad things about partying with your parents- Good: they pay. Bad: they still make you get up early and be ‘on time’ to go to a bar. My parents were very upset with me that my application of my Sally Hansen nail strips resulted in us getting to the bar at 10:30 and not 10, which was our target arrival time. But I made cake, and I don’t know what else these people want from me.

{Green Wedding Cake…5 years ago on St. Paddy’s Day my mom found out she was breast cancer free, hence the ’5′}

Are you sick of all the pictures you’ve been seeing this weekend of your friends holding a beer? Yup, this is what beer looks like.

{Blue Moon}

{Old Men Singing}

{Sally Hansen Nails}

{Bailey’s and Kahlua Coffee}

{Mamaaaa}

{Shipyard Applehead}

{Tatah Tots}

{Corned Beef Quesadilla}

{Sweet Potato Fries and Homemade Ketchup}

Peanut Butter Cheerios

I have some really serious cereal business to discuss with all of you.

(Am I scraping the bottom of the barrel on this one, or what?)

(It’s not lost on me that not only have I instagrammed Cheerios, but I have tried to do so with some artistic pizzaz, which I’m sure makes this all a lot worse).

This is some important breakfast time news, and as a blogger/brunch enthusiast (which encompasses things both breakfast and lunch related plus everything in between where that venn diagram meets to form ‘brunch’) it’s my responsibility to deliver you the big  stories (and hope that General Mills throws some free boxes my way. Peanut Butter, Chocolate, Dulce de Leche, and Cinnamon Burst ONLY, please. You can keep your Cheerios Crunch!)

But for reals, banana peals (that’s a little professional fruit humor) this stuff is crazy good. Really authentically peanut buttery– and I have a really delicate palate, so I’m acutely aware of artificial flavors. It also has a great mouth-feel, a nice hearty crunch, but not overly so, like a Cap’n Crunch (how do people eat that? It cuts the roof of my mouth and then I have to wear my old retainer for 2 days until it feels better).

For a real culinary adventure, try your Peanut Butter Cheerios with sliced bananas. You are welcome, foodies!