Met Ball Fashion Coverage (by Someone Who Wears a Sports Bra Whether She’s Going to the Gym That Day or Not)

The Met Ball is one of the most exciting fashion events of the season! is something someone who knows about fashion would say, right?

This year’s event was “punk” themed, and I guess we learned that celebrities aren’t great at interpreting and following directions?

However:

tumblr_mmfpuzFpXp1qbya53o1_500 Nicole Richie

slide_295897_2417199_free Lily Collinsslide_295897_2416521_freeChristina Ricci

tumblr_mmfirm3EAH1qdu3vio1_500

Pacey Witter’s Girlfriend

tumblr_mmet56uxR51r2jcoko1_500 and Sienna Miller…

Your efforts were noted and appreciated.

slide_295897_2416422_freeHeidi, I know you probably have a surplus of vow-renewal gowns that you don’t have a use for anymore, but that is no excuse. You and Kate Upton have wasted everyone’s time.

slide_295897_2416968_freeThat GAP maxi dress would have been fine if this was the Kid’s Choice Awards, Kate! Show some respect, you could have at least put a safety pin through your earlobe or done  anything that would indicate you took this theme seriously.

rooney-mara-met-ball-2013-red-carpet-03 Rooney Mara…. she seems like a fun, down-to-Earth gal, doesn’t she?

On the other side of the coin…

slide_295897_2416465_free WE GET IT, JENNIFER!!! YOU’RE LIKEABLE!!!!! 

tumblr_mmfn27l8751qz7snso1_500And you know what, Kim? Good for you. Anna Wintour couldn’t keep you out of the Met Ball forever.  And your Fraulein Maria Couture dress is truly one of a kind.

Superstar!

Great news, I’ve officially begun my transition into Mary Catherine Gallagher. Finally, my outside will match how I’ve felt on the inside since I was born. You can’t really tell from the picture, but the Warby Parker glasses even have the same color fade as hers. I’d also like to say that I’m aware of what a hardcore selfie picture I have just posted. Although my general policy is to only post self portraits when I’ve had a minimum of three glasses of wine accompanied by a new purchase of at least one faux fur article of clothing, I thought accidentally buying Mary Catherine glasses was also an appropriate occasion to post a picture of myself with  my cheek bones looking effortlessly contoured.

Colored Jeans

Spring has finally sprung– flowers are blooming, the sun is shining, birds are falling dead from the sky on to the roof of your car. Just kidding. That’s next year (I hope you enjoy your 80 degree March weather). For now, they chirp.

Now that the warmer months are upon us, I have to switch over from my winter yoga pants to my spring yoga capris that will constitute 75% of my wardrobe. To make up the last 25% of my spring and summer wardrobe (the clothes that I wear out of the house…when I’m out of the house to do something other than depositing a check or doing a few laps around the mall with my dad) I really want to invest in a few new trends, more specifically, a colored jean.

I don’t want to buy any new jeans yet because I’m doing the Jillian Michaels’ 90 Day Body Revolution, and I’m only on week 2. I want to wait until I’m a little farther into it so I can buy the right size since I plan on being a bag of skin and 6 pack abs when I’m finished.

Happy Spraaang (and start unplugging your phone charger when you’re done with it so you don’t make Mother Earth and Al Gore cry).

My New Purse (Bag Full of Dreams)

In general, I’m not a huge fan of any kind of purse that is frequently ‘knocked off’ (meaning copied, not killed by some Mafia handbag organization). If I’m going to spend a significant amount of my beer promo money (can I just say real quick that I just sample wine and beer at Super Markets? Not dressed in a tube top at a bar. Though one time I did have to ride a bike around Faneuil Hall wearing a red jumper and Keds for Amstel Lite) on a mid-level nice-ish purse, I don’t want some housewife at the mall getting the same fashion-cred for her purse when I know that she only spent $30 on it at a tag sale. Purses like this generally include Coach, Dooney and Burke, the classic Louis Vuitton and other super high end purses (and who do you think you’re kidding, 9th grader from New Hampshire? I know there’s only bath salts and weed –not platinum Visa cards– in that ‘Chanel’ bag).

I’ve especially never been a big fan of Coach purses (mostly because of the ‘C’ pattern), but the other day, I blacked out and when I came to I was the proud owner of this little lady:

Can’t you see me in a sun dress and my gladiator sandals (with ample arch support and padding) with this slung across my shoulder as I skip over to brunch in some big city. Ohhh, how many dreams can one purse hold?

Assets By Sara Blakely

Ladies! Where my ladies at? Don’t you love a nice pair of Spanx?! Amiright or amiright? (I’m working on my 1980’s lady-stand up. How’m I doing? I think this would work a lot better if you could see how big my shoulder pads are right now).

There’s one lady I know who loves a little Spanx- Academy Award winner Octavia Spencer.

If you noticed when she won her Oscar, the two men on either side of her just kind of hoisted her up while she remained light-as-a-feather-stiff-as-a-board, refusing to bend any joints as she made her ascent to a standing position. Maybe she was injured, but more likely she was Spanxed up to her chin and couldn’t move. God bless her, and God bless tight, non-breathable lycra.

You can get these ankle length or full length.

Spanx came out with some really resilient panty hose, (sold for about $17 at Target) and I don’t know about you, but I love a hearty nylon. Too often I buy a pair of panty hose and they barely last me through a night. These are the first pair that have the stability of a legging, and the sheerness of a panty hose. They haven’t run on me yet.

Another big plus is they are so tight that it becomes nearly impossible to finish a meal. When wearing these, you will feel full in half the time you would if you were wearing normal hose that didn’t push all of your vital organs through your stomach and against your spine.

If you’re looking to combine your illegal black market appetite suppressant expenses with what you pay in control top panty hose, then Assets by Sara Blakely (Spanx inventor, FYI) is the deal for you.

In My Purse

Here’s what’s in my purse:

Somewhere around 5 dollars in change. A pastime of mine is to hoard change in an animal crackers plastic gallon jug, and then eventually use it for gambling money. Just know that your coins are not safe left out around me (your cash is fine, it’s not like I have a drug problem, and I need money for crack…. I realize, though, that it might sound like I have a gambling problem. I do not [but that's what they all say. {but really, I don't.}]).

6 kinds of lip gloss/stick/chapstick. Loyal readers will know that I like to keep my lips supple and protected from sunlight at all times.

Nivea lotion. I would say this is closer to Crisco than just a plain moisturizer, but I like to keep my elbows feeling like 600 thread count sheets.

Rice paper oil-blotting sheets. Because all the moisturizer on my lips and elbows just seep out of the pores on my T-Zone. It’s like a BP oil-spill situation on my forehead. Just drop me in a fish tank and they’ll all start floating to the top.

Eye-lash curler. Instead of making more time to get ready before I go out, I like to clamp something metal dangerously close to my eyelid then point a wand caked in black sticky chemicals near my cornea while I drive… so this always just ends up in my purse.

A credit card pouch. Because I rarely carry cash, (and when I do, I like to leave it floating around in my purse in rolled up receipts) I don’t really need a full wallet. I just like to drop anything the size of credit card in here and then shuffle through the deck like this is Reno until I find my debit card or ID.

JCrew bracelet. This has no place in my purse, but it’s been in there since Christmas. If I keep all my jewelry in my purse, then I always have it (there was actually about 7 more pieces of jewelry in there just tangled up in one big ball of cheap Forever 21 metal).

Fortune. Sadly, this really was in my purse.

Clothes I Look Stupid In: Part III

How did this happen? How did I end up with two sets of gaudy loafers in a span of one week? I need answers!

I started out frugally by buying the cheap glitter pair on the left from GoJane.com for $16 plus shipping. A steal price-wise, but I’m pretty sure they were made out of poster board. I found the leopard pair at Marshall’s for $43 and my God, it was like these were made for someone to actually wear comfortably. What was I to do? I couldn’t choose between them . Either I would have to return the first pair, which would take effort, or not buy the second pair which was obviously superior in quality and style. It was like Sophie’s Choice. It was exactly like choosing which one of your two children would die at the hands of  a Nazi.

Of course, I couldn’t give one up.

These shoes fall into the category of items that your girlfriends find attractive because they read the same JCrew catalogues you do, but any straight male human thinks they’re weird and ugly. Which is so strange because why wouldn’t they find shoes sexy that are predominately intended for elderly men?

I just want to know how much mileage I’m going to get out of these until a magazine reminds me that they are actually ugly and we all have to go back to wearing ballet flats again. I already threw out my ballet flats!

The More You Know: Men in Sweatpants

It’s time for some more unsolicited advice from a young woman with no qualifications:

Men and boys: Do not wear sweatpants. They are offensive to women, all women, I promise you. 

Some guys reading this might think “Dara, I KNOW this! I learned this along with the importance of deodorant application!” and to you, sir, let me direct you to the contact information tab at the top of this screen. You obviously have your life together, and I would love to hear from you. Your knowledge of appropriate apparel choices, in addition to your appreciation of basic hygiene, is an intoxicating combination.

So, I tweeted this little tidbit of info, and some kid tweeted me in reply and didn’t know what I meant (he understood the Ashton Kutcher part, though. I think we’re all in agreement with that). I was kind of shocked that this kid had no idea. I thought guys who wear sweatpants in public knew exactly what they were doing, but I think some of them actually don’t get what’s going on here. So here it is if you’re unsure:

WE CAN SEE EVERYTHING AND IT IS DISGUSTING!

I know that some guys are aware of this and wear sweatpants for just that reason above, and that means you are a PREDATOR. I think it’s so unfair that drunk college kids can get labeled a sex offender for the rest of their life for peeing in public, but a man knowingly wearing sweatpants in front of women and children get to live their life freely.

To the clueless guys: I think what the problem might be is that you see women in sweatpants, so you think it’s okay for you, too. I’m all for equality, but I’m going to have to draw the line here. This is what a woman looks like in sweat pants:

So cute yet airport casual with her little hat and little hip bone, right?

Guess what? That’s not what you look like! I was going to post a picture of what guys look like in sweatpants, but my mother reads this blog and all the pictures I found were inappropriate.

Ladies don’t want to see that. I don’t care what you’ve got going on under your CostCo sweatpants, but I can promise you that real pants that fit properly will impress a woman more than totally unsupportive gym clothes… Which is how you should think of pants. Women have to wear bras for support, so you need to do the same with pants.

You might say there’s a flaw in that argument– that guys like it when hot women don’t wear bras, so why wouldn’t ladies like it if a hot guy wore sweatpants? Well, the only explanation is that girls are pretty, so of course you like them bra-less; however, to women, any guy in sweatpants is equal to your 60 year-old, free-spirited aunt in her strapless dress going bra-less. OFFENSIVE!

In Defense of Childhood Obesity*

I’m thinking about starting a letter writing campaign asking Michelle Obama to lay off America’s obese kids. I just feel like in an economy like this one you have to choose your battles and focus your efforts… and it’s just way more economical for me to buy children’s clothes than adult clothes because they are so much cheaper. So if you can follow my thought process, the bigger the kid, the bigger the clothing size, which means all the more likely it will fit me.

Am I horrible? Sure. I’ll grant you that. But before you start casting stones and stuff just take a walk through your local H&M’s children’s aisle. That stuff is adorable and half the price of everything in my section! Aside from the sleeves being a little short they fit just fine, and who doesn’t love a 3/4 length sleeve, anyway?

Just look at this stuff from Gap Kids:

Or for the young Ellen Degeneres in your life…

Honey I Shrunk Carrie Bradshaw!, amiright?

Where in the adult section do you see this kind of color saturation?

Look at these girls! These girls look like they would make fun of me in the mall. I want to be their friend.

This guy is tough but sweet. He plays the drums and wears head phones as a necklace. This 8 year-old is out of my league. This has nothing to do with clothes, and I’ve probably gone way too far. As Ice T would say MOOOOVIN’ (on).

Recently I went to H&M and got the cutest crushed velvet purple dress. $14.99. Then I got a sweater with a horse face on it. $10! Both so cute, and if anyone ever asks what size I am I can say size 14 YR, which sounds so chic and Kate Moss-y. For me, children’s clothes just fill the pastel and tutu void that adult clothing so sorely lacks. I want to wear an entire outfit comprised of different shades of pink, and I’d like to do so at an affordable price, thankyouverymuch!!!

Small tangent about tutus: It’s so unfair how popular tutus are for little kids now. I would have killed to have the opportunity to incorporate a tutu into my every day wardrobe when I was young, but I didn’t even know that was a legitimate option. Now kids like Sophia and Rosie can run around in their tutus and tiaras like every day is a dance recital, totally unaware of how good they have it.

EllenAMAs_450x300

*Jk, Jk don’t get mad at me about saying I support childhood obesity!

Sashay, Shante

I finally feel like that perfect mix of Dina Lohan and a Real Housewife of New Jersey. I may be 3 glasses of Sauvignon Blanc deep (which is just deep enough for me), but I feel like the classiest lady this side of Long Island (I’m actually from NH but my soul is from Long Island).

I just bought this coat from Banana Republic. This is what the joy of tipsy suburban mall shopping looks like. I walked through JCPenny’s liked I OWNED that dizzy bizzy (look, I can’t be held accountable for anything I say right now… though my grammar and typing is still flawless). My parents said ‘look she’s strutting through Jay-Cee-Pee-Pee’ (okay, I added that abbreviation and the extra ‘P’) as if I was Carrie Bradshaw, I said, “do I strut? Am I a strutter?” like the coquette that I am in this faux fur coat (that’s a real Carrie Bradshaw quote, btw).

Anyway, the point of this post is that I hope you find your faux fur leopard print coat this season- whether it’s a real materialistic piece or just a state of mind. It’s a bad economy, ya know? Just find whatever gets you in that spirit. Okay bye, the Sex and the City Movie is on. But I’m serious…