Oscar Best Picture Challenge: “American Hustle”

Last year during Oscar season, the only nominated picture I saw was Argo. Though it was fun making Oscar predictions based on an affinity for an actor’s hair color or previous movies that they’ve made, I’ve decided to challenge myself and see each Best Picture nominee before the winners are announced, then give you a little review!

So, luckily, I had already seen one of the movies during Christmas, American Hustle. Even luckier, I did not sneak wine into the theater on this one occasion, so I can recall the beginning, middle, and end to an extent. Here is my review:

american-hustle-poster-636-380Great breasts, both male and female, throughout the film, from all parties. Special mention to Amy’s side and middle breasts. Hair. The other half of that guy’s face from Boardwalk Empire. I could have done without the entire first hour of the movie. Louie CK can just play himself in every movie if he wants, I’m fine with it. Jennifer Lawrence, who? Amy Adams is the unsung hero in my book, do you remember that she was in Drop Dead Gorgeous? Carmine’s wife was pretty legit. Nail polish. Am I the only one who is afraid of David O’Russell based on the stories the actors tell about him on late night shows? The 60′s, who? The 70′s is the unsung hero of all the decades in my book. Disco and perms and whatnot? That was the point of the film, correct?

Overall, the American Hustle was nice to look at, especially the breasts belonging to all parties, male and female.

Agree? Disagree? (Only tell me if you agree, this is my blog, don’t be rude).

Dad’s Visit to LA

I dropped my dad off at the airport this morning after a most successful long weekend with him. My mom told me to show him a good time so he’d want to get a job near LA and move the rest of the family here from NH. I think I did an okay job because he seemed pretty impressed that there were so many places to get bottomless mimosas and nobody seems to care if you walk your dog through Nordstrom. Things you just don’t see in New Hampshire.

Some fun activities I had planned included going to Ikea on a Saturday afternoon and then bringing him to my improv 101 show.

photo 1Just kidding, that was just a description of two separate layers of Hell. However, I am not kidding that that is actually how we spent his California vacation. But wait! We also spent some time putting together the Ikea furniture and then he took me grocery shopping!  Soooooo, if you’re thinking about visiting LA and need a tour guide, I’m definitely a great candidate as long as you’re cool with spending $200 on me at Trader Joe’s and then just hanging a couple pictures, and if you have time, can you help me install some curtain rods in my room?

photo-3On Monday, I took my Dad to The Grove. We went to Planet Dailies and got a bunch of appetizers because he knows that my favorite kind of meal is comprised only of hors d’oeuvres (and I believe it is customary to do only what you want when hosting a guest in your home). Over sliders and lettuce wraps, he imparted this bit of fatherly wisdom: Bombay Sapphire Gin is smoooooooth.

photo 2After, we took a look around Dylan’s Candy Bar where I relived a recurring childhood disappointment of mine. All I ever wanted as a kid was something, anything, with my name on it, but there was always a “Dana,” never a “Dara.” I would have even settled for a keychain or mint tin that said “Jake’s Sister” since I was probably called that more often than my actual name.

photo 3

Anyway, the show Extra is filmed at The Grove, and we saw Maria Menounos, Mario Lopez, Eric McCormick from Will and Grace, and most exciting, the woman playing Anna Nicole Smith in the Lifetime biopic. They filmed a bunch of stuff in different outfits, so I’m pretty sure you can watch my dad on Extra through the rest of the week because he was a natural at finding the camera.

Oh, I almost forgot, Mario Lopez has no ass at all. There’s just literally nothing there but a surplus of denim fabric.

With that, Mario’s butt brought our weekend to a close. Pops and I had a great time since we get along so well and because our requisite for a fun vacation is only that we get to eat and drink purely for sport, and that’s mostly what we did. I haven’t eaten bite for bite with a 6’1″ man since I moved away, and it was a great change of pace from my usual diet of brown rice cakes and red wine.

Baby’s First Hollywood Pool Party

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All my life, I’ve been the kind of person who clings tightly to her principles and convictions.

I am also the kind of person whose principles and convictions can be bought with blended margaritas and movie theater style nachos.

Do I consider myself a feminist? Absolutely. Will I speak up and defend myself or a fellow woman when I see a sexist injustice occurring? I believe it’s my duty. Am I so poor that I will throw all of this away so I can get my buzz on foh’ free at a Beverly Hills pool party? Within reason. But mostly yes.

The dissolution of my moral compass began when my roommate and I were invited to a pool party celebrating the birthday of Jesse from that Super Bowl GoDaddy commercial:

2349077637I’ve talked about it before, but if you’ll allow me to mount this high horse again, the commercial was sexist because it perpetuated the idea that women are supposed to be beautiful and men are supposed to be smart. Also it had a fat guy making out with a hot girl. What hope do us averages have of finding a man on our level if the media keeps telling boys and Kevin James that they are entitled to a woman who is 80% boobs and legs??

So, despite my reservations, I still wanted to go to the party because the poor kid was just in a GoDaddy commercial, not a Spike TV show. And I was promised free booze.

My friends and I arrived before Jesse got there, and after being handed a free(!!!) margarita, we were informed that they were filming a documentary on Jesse. The producer wanted a very specific shot of Jesse when he entered the party. He handed my girlfriends and me an armful Hawaiian leis and told us to go up to Jesse one-by-one and ask, “can I lei you?” Okay, so obviously this dude had no idea that this group of women included one who had read Hillary Rodham Clinton’s Living History. 

This request made me thoroughly uncomfortable, but it all happened so fast! I suddenly found myself doing an awkward Target Lady-esque shuffle, mumbled a “here you go” and threw the lei around his neck like I was doing a county fair horse shoe toss.

I felt like an idiot, but I just gave it to Jesus and prayed that if this documentary ever surfaced that my future moms Amy and Tina wouldn’t recognize me thanks to my giant mosquito sunglasses.

I drank another Jesse-rita and felt better.

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A few minutes later, the same guy asked if we would rub Jesse down with sunblock. To this I replied, “feminism!” and moon walked on my cork wedge heels back to the margarita bar. Listen, am I being a little over sensitive? Maybe. But there would never be a pool party thrown in honor of an overweight, 25 year-old woman just because she was in one popular  commercial. How about this? If any hot man reading can tell me he was once asked by a producer to rub down Nikki Blonsky with some SPF at a pool party put together by her publicist then I will just delete this post.

Anyway, as my blood blended with the Jesse-ritas, I realized what a surreal situation I had put myself in. I’m 90% sure that the house we were at is also rented out to shoot porn. I’m also 90% sure that most of the guests at the party have shot a porn in that house. Please don’t misunderstand, though, this was not a trashy party. It was an absolute who’s who of Hollywood extras. There were some big G-list stars too: the cook from 2 Broke Girls, the nerdy guy with the Jew-fro from Glee (I can say that because we have the same last name), and most exciting, Yolanda Foster’s ex-husband Mohamed.

I only ever left my spot on my beach chair to get more nachos or to go to the bathroom (if I looked a little harder I bet I would have found a cocaine dispenser next to the hand soap), but it was a real trip, and it was certainly worth going to.

Next stop, the Playboy Mansion!

Feminism!

The Mindy Project WGA Panel

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Mindy Kaling and Ike Barinholtz (who writes for the show and plays Morgan)

Yesterday, my roommate and I saw a Writer’s Guild panel featuring the writers from The Mindy Project. I brought along a copy of her play, Matt and Ben for her to sign and wore a neon pink jeans/chambray shirt/leopard print loafer outfit picked out with Mindy Kaling’s tastes in mind just incase we ran into her in the parking lot. The Girl Scouts taught me to always be prepared and that Samoas are at optimal deliciousness when consumed frozen.

They screened an episode and talked for an hour about what it’s like writing for the show, and then opened it up to the audience for questions.

Civilians asking celebrities questions is one of my top 100 pet peeves. It hovers around #48 right above people clinking their teeth on metal spoons when they eat. People just want to hear themselves talk. Like, unless James Lipton specifically asks you, no one needs to know what your major is in college. And it’s not necessary for 10 people in a row to thank the panel for coming. You paid to be there. Your gratitude is felt.

I considered asking a question, and I racked my brain for a good one until I realized that the only reason why I wanted to go up there was so Mindy would compliment my outfit and thoughtful question. There would be a witty back and forth between us, then I’d tweet her later that night, and we’d become social media friends until one day her assistant quits and she hires me and I become her protege and spirit sister.

By the by, living with my imagination is exhausting.

So, that was the wrong reason to ask a question, and I decided to just keep my mouth shut.

(But you should have seen my outfit, Mindy would have been so into it).

What I’ve Done Today

Well, after waking up, making coffee and breakfast, and taking a quick 2 hour nap, I did something I’m not proud of:

RE: Anti-feminism blog written by a woman who asserts that Jodi Arias killed her ex-boyfriend because…feminism

jodiariasfemCan I please have a job now? Things are dark here.

(Luckily, I’m not so far gone or bored that I feel the need to reply back to this).

This exchange brings up something scary (besides my feminist self running around town slitting the throats of young, virile men because I voted for Hillary in the primary election), I realized I was following this woman’s blog. I think I just hit the “feminism” tag on WordPress and just clicked on everything that came up. Who else could I be following? Am I on a list somewhere because I accidentally followed an Al Qaeda sympathizer blog after I clicked on a bunch of blogs with “Jessica Chastain” tags when Zero Dark Thirty came out? Is that how Al Qaeda gets you?!

HELPPPP MEEEEE!!!!!!

TGIF with Q. Wallis

Screen shot 2013-05-10 at 1.29.30 PMDoes anyone have any fun weekend plans?

Me?

Well, Q. Wallis and I are gonna hit up the WeHo United Church of Christ to thank the Savior for this most delicious Friday. Then we’re off to Cabo’s Cantina for happy hour where we will thank Him for our most delicious watermelon margariterrrsss!!!! After breaking a few hundos at the nearest In & Out, we’ll stuff some ones in Q’s Gucci puppy purse and make our way to The Hollywood Men exotic dance revue. It’ll be an early night for my favorite Oscar nominee because SOMEONE has to rest her voice for Annie rehearsals on Monday!!! But that won’t stop us from a little M&M (mani’s and mimosas!!!!) while we read some scripts all Saturday afternoon. Sunday is a day of REST, and NO business talk allowed!!! We’ll watch some old episodes of The Good Wife on my DVR, say a prayer that our favorite dancer, Marc Antunny, gets that kidney he’s been hoping for, and then have a full night’s sleep because it’s RISE AND GRIND on Monday morning!! LOL #hardknocklife #jk #blessed #GetWellMarcAntunny

Amanda Knox Has a Boyfriend and I Don’t…

…now, let’s find out the “why” of it…

Tuesday night I live tweeted CNN’s Chris Cuomo interview with Amanda Knox. Here’s what ensued:

Screen shot 2013-05-09 at 8.59.41 AMStill true.

Screen shot 2013-05-09 at 8.59.53 AM Cuoms was being really uncool.

Screen shot 2013-05-09 at 9.00.05 AM“WELL THE THEORY IS THAT YOU’RE A BIG SLUT/MURDERER, HOW COULD THEY COME UP WITH THAT IF YOU’RE NOT A BIG SLUT/MURDERER?” – Chris Cuomo and his Bachelor of Science degree in journalism
Screen shot 2013-05-09 at 9.00.18 AM …..things got a little femi-nasty.

Screen shot 2013-05-09 at 9.00.28 AM#tryingtohelp

Screen shot 2013-05-09 at 9.00.39 AM Ya know, if it weren’t for the murder and 4 years in prison, Amanda’s trip abroad would basically be an adorable romantic comedy of errors, where a young woman experiences her sexual awakening abroad. Screen shot 2013-05-09 at 9.00.49 AMSoups on, and I’m stirring up trouble.

Screen shot 2013-05-09 at 9.01.00 AM Do you need a deposit slip so you can take that advice to the bank?

So, this is where I’m at right now.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER!!! @daralaine

Met Ball Fashion Coverage (by Someone Who Wears a Sports Bra Whether She’s Going to the Gym That Day or Not)

The Met Ball is one of the most exciting fashion events of the season! is something someone who knows about fashion would say, right?

This year’s event was “punk” themed, and I guess we learned that celebrities aren’t great at interpreting and following directions?

However:

tumblr_mmfpuzFpXp1qbya53o1_500 Nicole Richie

slide_295897_2417199_free Lily Collinsslide_295897_2416521_freeChristina Ricci

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Pacey Witter’s Girlfriend

tumblr_mmet56uxR51r2jcoko1_500 and Sienna Miller…

Your efforts were noted and appreciated.

slide_295897_2416422_freeHeidi, I know you probably have a surplus of vow-renewal gowns that you don’t have a use for anymore, but that is no excuse. You and Kate Upton have wasted everyone’s time.

slide_295897_2416968_freeThat GAP maxi dress would have been fine if this was the Kid’s Choice Awards, Kate! Show some respect, you could have at least put a safety pin through your earlobe or done  anything that would indicate you took this theme seriously.

rooney-mara-met-ball-2013-red-carpet-03 Rooney Mara…. she seems like a fun, down-to-Earth gal, doesn’t she?

On the other side of the coin…

slide_295897_2416465_free WE GET IT, JENNIFER!!! YOU’RE LIKEABLE!!!!! 

tumblr_mmfn27l8751qz7snso1_500And you know what, Kim? Good for you. Anna Wintour couldn’t keep you out of the Met Ball forever.  And your Fraulein Maria Couture dress is truly one of a kind.

Winning: Denise Richards

It was announced that Charlie Sheen’s four year-old twins with second ex-wife, Brooke Mueller, were taken from her custody by Child Protective Services on Thursday night and turned over to the toned, loving arms of Sheen’s first ex-wife, Denise Richards. Richards’ now has temporary custody while little Bob and Max’s mommy is on “vacation” at Betty Ford.

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I hate to say Denise is “winning” since this is just a bad situation and children are involved (and more importantly because that slang is outdated), but she really is coming out of this smelling like a rose perfume covering up the stench of a fresh spray tan.

Denise got a lot of bad press when she did her reality show, It’s Complicated, but after Charlie went insane, drinking tigers’ blood and trying to procure a intern, (I’m assuming because he was misinformed and thought interns were prostitutes working for college credit?) she’s been coming off as very patient and levelheaded. She is pretty selflessly taking on her ex-husband’s children, in addition to raising her two older daughters and her adopted baby, Eloise.

She was a triumph in Drop Dead Gorgeous and she named her daughter Eloise! What a lady.

Denise+Richards+takes+new+baby+Eloise+doctors+8nX4kNMR6NMl

Look at Eloise. If those eyebrows could talk they’d say, “girl, have you seen Wild Things? Mommy has always made bad look good.”

I hope Denise’s presence in the boys’ lives will make a positive difference, because as it stands now, I’d say best case scenario, those boys will grow up and only one of them will be the direct cause of a sex worker’s untimely death.

Denise, you are earning points in Heaven!

MSDDRDE EC036 You do your victory lap, Queen!

Leave Kim Kardashian’s Armpits Alone!!!

document1878825258682083630.inddThough I’ve never been a fan of Kim’s, I suddenly have an overwhelming sense of compassion for her armpits and the armpits of women in every grocery store in America who are being subjected to this magazine cover. I realize that Kim is probably gaining this weight so she can get some sort of Jenny Craig deal after that set piece of a breathing infant pushes its way through her Kanye Kanal. If she develops preeclampsia it won’t even matter because I’m sure the line between real life and Ryan Seacrest’s SimCity has completely disintegrated at this point.

For this exercise, let’s just assume at this point that Kim has no human emotions left. So, even if a close up of her armpit on a national magazine couldn’t crack through her exterior (which I’m assuming is just one big coating of gel nail polish and melted polyester) and hurt her feelings, it’s still hurting my feelings! I’m a size 2/4. I am not Rosemary’s Babying Ryan Seacrest’s devil child. And, yet, I think I have “fat armpits” or essentially, “vagina arms.” You’d never know because I’ve become skilled at flexing whenever my self esteem smells a camera within 15 feet of me, but if you caught me walking down the street in a tank top… there they’d be. Now, thanks to InTouch, I am reminded that fat armpits are a legit concern and I WILL NEVER BE SEXY AGAIN.

Women in hair salon waiting rooms don’t need to be reminded that there is another part of their body they can hate. You know that stupid Dove commercial where they bring in that “police sketch artist” or “actor” and then they try to pass off your low self esteem as your own fault?

It’s not your fault (here’s a great counter to that Dove commercial). Because you wouldn’t know to be self conscious of your arm pits if magazines didn’t show you a picture of a beautiful, pregnant celebrity, circle her fat like a sorority sister during Hell Week, and say “EWWWW SHE’S GROSS! YOU’RE PROBS GROSS, TOO! PLEASE CHECK OUT OUR CELLULITE CREAM AD ON PAGE 78!”