Leave Kim Kardashian’s Armpits Alone!!!

document1878825258682083630.inddThough I’ve never been a fan of Kim’s, I suddenly have an overwhelming sense of compassion for her armpits and the armpits of women in every grocery store in America who are being subjected to this magazine cover. I realize that Kim is probably gaining this weight so she can get some sort of Jenny Craig deal after that set piece of a breathing infant pushes its way through her Kanye Kanal. If she develops preeclampsia it won’t even matter because I’m sure the line between real life and Ryan Seacrest’s SimCity has completely disintegrated at this point.

For this exercise, let’s just assume at this point that Kim has no human emotions left. So, even if a close up of her armpit on a national magazine couldn’t crack through her exterior (which I’m assuming is just one big coating of gel nail polish and melted polyester) and hurt her feelings, it’s still hurting my feelings! I’m a size 2/4. I am not Rosemary’s Babying Ryan Seacrest’s devil child. And, yet, I think I have “fat armpits” or essentially, “vagina arms.” You’d never know because I’ve become skilled at flexing whenever my self esteem smells a camera within 15 feet of me, but if you caught me walking down the street in a tank top… there they’d be. Now, thanks to InTouch, I am reminded that fat armpits are a legit concern and I WILL NEVER BE SEXY AGAIN.

Women in hair salon waiting rooms don’t need to be reminded that there is another part of their body they can hate. You know that stupid Dove commercial where they bring in that “police sketch artist” or “actor” and then they try to pass off your low self esteem as your own fault?

It’s not your fault (here’s a great counter to that Dove commercial). Because you wouldn’t know to be self conscious of your arm pits if magazines didn’t show you a picture of a beautiful, pregnant celebrity, circle her fat like a sorority sister during Hell Week, and say “EWWWW SHE’S GROSS! YOU’RE PROBS GROSS, TOO! PLEASE CHECK OUT OUR CELLULITE CREAM AD ON PAGE 78!”

How I Get Ready for a Night on the Town

How do I go from looking like this: lindsay-lohan-crack

to this vision of class: 36510_4215369902773_2132590753_n

before a night out?

READ ON FOR THE SCOOP!

4 Hours Prior to Leaving the House: Get a craving for some kind of take-out food for dinner. I will generally rationalize the fact that I’m about to eat some sort of heavy meal before wearing some sort of spandex/cotton blend dress by telling myself that eating a huge meal before drinking is the responsible thing to do.

3.5 Hours Prior to Leaving the House: Curse myself for eating Indian or Greek food before going out. No amount of Listerine Total Care Mouthwash will hide this smell because now the chicken tikka masala is just seeping out of my pores. I make peace with myself and God and the fact that I’ll be talking with my hand discreetly in front of my mouth for the night.

3 Hours Prior to Leaving the House: Finish the last 45 minutes of Clueless on Comedy Central.clueless-lipstick

2 Hours and 15 Minutes Prior to Leaving the House: Remember that time exists and who I am as a person and realize that 2 hours and 15 minutes is cutting it close if I want to be ready on time.

2 Hours Prior to Leaving the House: Stop watching a 10 year-old episode of Law and Order: SVU on TBS and get in the shower (unless it’s the episode where Olivia goes undercover at the women’s prison, in which case, all is lost).

1 Hour and 15 Minutes Prior to Leaving the House: Start in on a glass of wine while I dry my hair. Drinking while getting ready to go out and drinking while cooking are my two favorite hobbies besides drinking outside during the day.

1 Hour Prior to Leaving the House: Weigh the pros and cons of leaving the house. Think of ways to get out of these plans. Curse myself for making plans. Screen shot 2013-02-12 at 10.51.31 AM

45 Minutes Prior to Leaving the House: Realize that drinking before putting my eye make up on was a bad idea. Go through 8 Q-tips trying to clean up the mess I’ve made with my Urban Decay Naked Palette.

30 Minutes Prior to Leaving the House: Take a break because make up is tiring. Walk around the house. Pick at whatever food I didn’t finish from earlier. Pour myself more wine. Decide it’s too late to cancel now. Consider canceling, again. No, I’m going, I have to go.

15 Minutes Prior to Leaving the House: Look at my phone and see that I’m supposed to be at my destination in 5 minutes. Apply mascara and curl my eyelashes.

10 Minutes Prior to Leaving the House: Put on the outfit I decided on earlier.

5 Minutes Prior to Leaving the House: Put on a different outfit.

1 Minute Prior to Leaving the House: Curl my eyelashes.

30 Seconds Prior to Leaving the House: Text friends that I’m on the road.

5 Seconds Prior to Leaving the House: Curl my eyelashes and tease my hair.

1 Second Prior to Leaving the House: Look longingly at the couch.

As you can see, there’s so much more to getting ready for a night out than most men realize.

313625_2124322667899_111874875_n Cheers, haters! Nobody looks this good in their New Balances!

Obsessed With: Anastasia Perfect Brow Pencil

If I could tell the world just one thing, it would be:

1. We’re all okay.*

2. Don’t ever date a stand up comedian.

3. Don’t over pluck your eyebrows.

*Actually, it was Jewel who wanted to tell you that. I, personally, think we’re screwed. Enjoy this beautiful weather we’re having– we’ll all be under water soon.

Numbers 2 and 3 were sound advice, though.

Eyebrows are something you really need to be careful with. If you over-pluck, a perfectly attractive face can suddenly look like it belongs to an extra in a whore house scene on SVU. An even bigger risk is that your eyebrows might not grow back. I remember in middle school, there was this weird trend where girls would pluck off half of their eyebrow (I don’t mean that figuratively. I mean that like they’d literally pluck off the second part of their eyebrow. The tail to the shooting-star, if you will). May God bless those girls and bestow them with the ability to grow back the other half of their eyebrows.

Women, don’t be afraid of an ample brow, and don’t hesitate to fill them in a little, either.

I use Anastasia’s Perfect Brow Pencil in Strawburn, $22 from Sephora and Nordstroms because it’s the business.

I just like to draw ‘em in like this is third grade art class and then comb them out with the little brush. It makes everything even and perfect and lasts all day and blah blah blah. Basically, I’m one step closer to this girl:

Eyebrows 4dayyyz. Give in to it, ladies!

Sally Hansen’s Gem Crush

It is so easy to lose me. In a literal sense, like you might very well misplace me because I’m so small and cannot be found in crowds. Since we live in a world of survival of the fittest (you guys know I write to you from 1940′s Germany, right?) so I’ve had to adapt so I don’t get lost at Third Eye Blind concerts, never to be heard from again. The first step was to dye my hair red- it’s easier to spot because it’s brighter and stands out in a sea of mostly brunettes and blondes (so it was also for narcissistic, center-of-attention purposes), and tonight the second step–to find a nail polish with the highest amount of glitter density– was completed tonight, thanks to Sally Hansen’s Gem Crush nail polish line.

Now when I’m lost, all I have to do is wave my infant hands around until someone sees the emergency flare and comes to find me. Extremely effective.

And it comes in all sorts of fun colors!

This was Razzle Dazzler, $7 at any drug store.

But can you put a price on safety?

Oribe Dry Texturizing Spray

Sometimes I’m just overcome with exhaustion over the basic maintenance of the human body. Besides eating (another taxing activity), I think showering, hair styling, and make up application are some of the most frustrating activities because no matter how many times you do it, you will never be done.

Did I accidentally just plagiarize that whole first paragraph from The Bell Jar? Talking about the endless succession of days as represented by the task of keeping up with personal hygiene is a little Sylvia Plath-y. At least I maintained some light-heartedness by expressing this thought with a cheerful visual aid.

Though I’m hoping that my feelings on showering don’t point to a bigger issue, I do have something that stretches out a little time between showers. In previous blogs I’ve talked about my love of affordable dry shampoo, but recently, I’ve developed a more profound  love for completely over-priced dry texturizing spray.

This is Oribe’s Dry Texturizing Spray. It works as an alternative to dry shampoo, but it doesn’t show up white on your hair that you have to brush out. It also doesn’t have to be used on greasy, depression hair, either. If your hair is flat you can spray this in and get a little volume, then every time you shake your hair out during the day the volume pumps back up. It also smells really nice. It also costs $40. My parents got me this for Christmas, so I plan on asking for this at every holiday and then stock piling it for the future.

Blistex Deep Renewal

One thing I can’t stand is when people are delusional about their looks. Not their looks overall, like ugly or pretty, but when someone complains that their butt is too big, when in fact their butt looks fine. Now their ankles on the other hand…

Just kidding, all of God’s creatures are beautiful! I just think that people shouldn’t be afraid to own what’s super sexy about them and brag about it to everyone. If we all allowed ourselves to brag about something then it would be socially acceptable and we’d all feel pretty good about ourselves, right? Aw, man. I’m sorry if you can’t deal with how smart that was. Give me five minutes and a bottle of pinot and I could probably cure world hunger, but whatever.

So I’ll start: My lips are what the 90′s would call ‘the bomb.’ I’ve gotten some great feedback on them. There are only two problems I have with these lips, 1. It takes so much lipsticks to fill in those puppies! and 2. There is a constant fear in the back of my mind that they will get wrinkly and deflated due to age.

Now, I realize that I would only be so lucky to be old because that means I’m not dead, right? I also realize that it’s only down hill from here and after a certain point there’s only so much I can do; I will get yucky looking. Or I’ll look like the beautiful Helen Mirren, but she still has wrinkles, too. I just don’t want my poor lips to be affected. I get that when I’m 70 I will look old no matter what, but at that point I will be close enough to death where I’ve forgotten about looking good and just focused on eating as much as possible. I’m talking about when I’m in my 50′s or 60′s- I don’t think it’s too much to ask to hold onto my lips up until then.

Especially if you look at my parents. Those two have passed along some top notch DNA. No wrinkle lips for my mom. I’m very optimistic for the future.

Despite my bright horizens, I still want to take the necessary steps now to insure my pillow lipped future.
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I’ve been using Blistex Deep Renewal for a couple years now. It has anti-aging ingredients and the all important SPF-15. I can’t stress how important an SPF lip balm is. The other day I was taking a walk, and I felt like my lips were a little hot in the sun. I put this on and they cooled down, so I assume it was the SPF protecting me from the sun trying to steal my youth for it’s own Hocus Pocus-like benefit.

I guess I won’t know how well the anti-aging stuff worked for another 20 years or so, but it feels like putting satin on you lips, so again, I’m very optimistic.

This stuff will run you about $3 at any drugstore.

Oh hey, does anyone else want to brag about something? Maybe you’re saddlebag-less? I cannot relate but would love to hear about it. Nice teeth? Me too, but go on.

Sephora Fragrance Sampler

I’ve always wanted to be the kind of classy dame with a signature scent because dames always have a siggy scent that people will associate with you. It’s my goal to imbed myself into your psychy so for as long as you live, when you smell my perfume on anyone you think of me. My greatest wish would be that on his wedding day, an ex boyfriend’s fiance decides to wear a new perfume-serendipitously, my perfume. Then when she comes down the aisle and he lifts her vail, he gets one big wiff of ME!!! I’m not looking for him to accidently say my name instead of hers during his vows-I’m not that evil, but I am evil enough that I want him to be constantly reminded of me for the rest of his marriage until it disintegrates. I’m in your brain, can’t get me out! Blonk!

For the past year I’ve been wearing Abercrombie 8, which is kind of really embarassing, but I can’t help that I really like how it smells. It’s not too girly and floral, and it’s not all powdery and reminding me of the elderly. I didn’t really plan on switching scents despite the humiliation of buying my fragrance at an over-priced store for teens, but my dad offered to buy me the Sephora Fragrance Sampler as a late birthday present when we were on one of our frequent mall outings

I bought him the male version of this for Christmas a year or two ago, and he really liked it. I think it was one of his favorite gifts besides the GPS I bought my parents before everyone had a GPS….which they then traded in for a nicer, more expensive one, so essentially I just bought them a really thoughtful coupon. Anyway, in this box they give you 12 perfume samples like Juicy Couture, Prada’s Infusion, Gucci’s Guilty, etc. Then you can try them all- I like to try one a day to see how long they last and how they smell on me specifically. After you decide which one you want there’s a gift certificate included that you can redeem in Sephora for which ever one you settled on.

I think it’s a fun idea and a great gift because it gives you a chance to try each scent a few times so you don’t end up spending $70 on a bottle of smelly liquid that a week later you decide you don’t really like.

The set is $50 at Sephora.

Obsessed With: It’s a 10 Miracle Leave-In Product

If I had to describe my hair in a few words, they would be: red, long, and a hospitable environment for rats. Not all the time, just if it hasn’t been brushed within the hour. My hair has always been hyper prone to tangling. If I wear a scarf or something with a hood or fur collar, then I end up with a bail of hay on the back of my head or material that a rodent could build a nest with.

I have to use conditioner, it’s non-negotiable. If conditioner was suddenly taken off the market, I would have no choice but to coat my hair in Crisco to survive. Though conditioner is a necessity, I’ve grown so accustomed to the first-world treat that is detangling spray (because conditioner is just a human right, amiright?). I’m happy to kick it old school with some No More Tangles, they’ve got some great scents, and I love to smell like watermelon.

A real treat, though, is It’s a 10 Leave-in Product.

This leave-in conditioner/detangler/whatever is like butter. I would say this is as close as you can get to putting Crisco in your hair. You can slide a comb through no problem, and your hair is so shiny and smooth…. all without the added problems I imagine putting baking grease on your head would cause.

Halloween Salon Effects Nails

If you are one of my loyal readers (Hi Mommy) then you might know that I love my Sally Hansen Salon Effects nail strips. If you’ve read this blog for the past few weeks you might also know that I’m a supporter of most seasonal novelty items. My two great passions in life have come together.

Sally Hansen has this limited edition halloween collection which is okay (though I’ve seen the winter/holiday collection and those are adorable). The design my underdeveloped (yet satiny smooth) baby hands are modeling is the only design with black and orange. The rest weren’t overtly halloween oriented. They had some with skulls and spider webs on them, but I feel like I can get that at Hot Topic all year so it didn’t seem very special. I like these enough, though the ghosts are a little Ms. Packman looking.

$5 Stila Foundation!

What a daaaay!

First of all, thanks to the twitter @lipstickbabes of Tried and Tested Beauty Blog I saw that Stila was having this crazy sale on 5 of their foundations that I guess are being discontinued. So of course I bought multiples of each. I’ve never used them before, but what if I love them? I’d look back at this time with bitter regret that I had the opportunity to stock pile the foundation Extreme Couponing style and didn’t. I got the oil-free tinted moisturizer, the one step foundation, and the illuminating tinted moisturizer. Unfortunately, the bronzer moisturizer was all out. If you read this in time you should click on the picture and impulse buy it for yourself! I know that I’m playing right into Stila’s game, I’m not stupid. I never would have bought 5 pieces of foundation I’ve never tried before if they hadn’t been on sale. I’m a consumer drone and gosh darn it, I love a bargain, so I was helpless against this.

Another great thing about this day: So, I was supposed to be on grand jury duty. This is much worse than normal jury duty because you have to go two full days a month for, like, 4 months with no way of getting out of it. I’m all about doing my civic duty when it in no way inconveniences me, and I can go once, pretend to be crazy or impartial, and then get out of it. Anyway, it got cancelled because of construction on the court house. This is great because it doesn’t cut into my money making time, and I went once, didn’t find my future husband (and you get the same group of people every time), so now I have no use for it.

One more thing:

This new song. I love this song.

I remember back in the day when I didn’t like Brit Brit. I was in middle school and I was too cool for school listening to Green Day and wearing my dad’s neckties like necklaces. I’d give anything to get these years back. I stand by Britney, and I just think we should all be really supportive of her. She is a fragile being, a new soul, and let’s just be cool, okay? Like, no more rumors about her using a dancing body double in her new videos. If there’s one thing we know about Brit is she loves to dance. She is the Annette Funicello of our time, and she just wants to DANCE. Brit would never use a double. She may not be good at a lot of things, like, say, singing, but don’t you dare take this from her.

Happy Tuesday, one and all. I hope yours was as good as mine. To top it off, I might go out and buy a pita wrap from Extreme Pita at the food court and get some frozen yogurt. If only every day could end in falafel and fro-yo.