This is a rewrite of how the song “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” should go. Please share and subscribe!
Before last night, I hadn’t seen Peter Pan in years, the stage musical or otherwise, but as a little kid, I loved the 1960 Mary Martin version, never questioning Peter’s antics or why a 47 year old woman was playing a pre-pubescent boy.
That all changed last night!!! Watching NBC’s Peter Pan as an adult made me realize what a stone cold garbage monster Pete is!
Like, at best Peter is a total dick, at worst, he’s a high functioning sociopath who despite being, what, like, 100 years old? stalks and manipulates barely pubescent girls into coming away with him to clean his house and tell him what a hero he is, nearly getting them killed in the process. Then he sends them home, but only after telling them some sob story about how after choosing to run away as an infant, he decides years later to return home, only to be completely insulted that his parents didn’t leave a light on for him like they’re running a goddamn Motel 6. Peter gives these girls some damp eyes and a lip quiver, makes them promise to keep their bedroom window unlocked for when he wants to come back, only to actually fly through that window 30 years later to tell them their hands are too crepe-y to go back to Neverland, but can he please have your 12 year old daughter, you old gutter witch?
Also: was Christopher Walken thinking of Natalie Wood when he had to walk the plank or no?
Hey, Kitten Mittens. I’d like to introduce you to a new series on this blog- Daily Reminder- where I take a moment out of my blessed day to remind you of the sins you might be committing (#NotAllMen!!!) against other various nouns that you share this earth with.
With that, today’s reminder is:
While they may look fly as hell, Native American war bonnets are not for you, fashion girls!
It’s not even for Cher!
If it’s not okay for Cher, it is most certainly out of the question for you. If you want to take a cue from Cher, then here’s a bonus daily reminder that upper thigh slits are the next big thing.
But how could something so cute be racist?
Well, the simple thing is, cute things can be racist. Even Skinheads were chubby babies once.
Okay, then WHY is it racist?
For a few reasons, but the short version is:
1. A non-Native American wearing a war bonnet promotes stereotyping of another culture, like when Julianne Hough wears blackface or Macklemore wears Jewishnose.
2. War bonnets are sacred to Native Americans. So even though EDC is a religious experience for you, it is extremely disrespectful to wear a neon headdress while you dance in a bikini rolling balls on molly. In fact, as a woman you def shouldn’t be wearing a war bonnet. Traditionally, only male chiefs and warriors were/are allowed to wear them.
Only MALE chiefs and warriors?! Daraaaaaaaaa, why won’t you let me dismantle the patriarchyyyyy????
Nuh-uh! Don’t you- don’t you dare! We have bigger fish to fry, this is not our problem!
Listen, ladies, no one is trying to take your flower crowns from you! Those are all yours and we won’t even make fun of you for wearing them (as long as it’s your wedding). So just stop wearing war bonnets since it offends an entire culture of people–even though that culture is very small in size. Because our ancestors killed them and took their land. And forced them into widespread poverty. And then named a professional sports team after a racial slur against them….
Just stop being jerks and let them have this!!! You do not deserve to make this your own!!!
Okay, I think I get it now.
What a relief.
Oh, on a related note, can I dress up as Pocahontas for Halloween this year?
I costarred in a webseries called Drinking Problems created by Nate Larkin-Connolly for the wine company Second Glass. They’re funny and you will accidentally learn stuff!
If you like those check out the other fun videos they have on the Second Glass youtube channel.
Watch me talk about my OkCupid date with a guy named Scooter, (all while secretly doing some sort of Zooey Deschanel impression? So quirky!) Take it all in for your viewing pleasure, then like it, then read an old post I wrote about Tinder, below.
My Tinder Criteria
You people know about the dating app Tinder by now, right? Well, in case you just got out of a year long relationship yesterday and previously had no need to troll the internet for a butt you could bounce change off of or abs you could wash your delicates on, I’ll explain how it works.
It’s very simple- you sign in with Facebook, it shows a couple of your profile pics, and people can either “nope” you or “like” you. If you’re noped, it goes to the next person, if you’re liked and you like them back, it’s a match, and you can chat. Basically, you just judge people on whether you think they’re hot enough to potentially date. There’s also the option to see if you have mutual friends or Facebook interests and to write a small profile, but really it’s just about looks because the novelty of two people listing Friday Night Lights as their favorite show wears off quickly.
I don’t plan on messaging or meeting anyone because it all sounds to me like a death trap. A free app where you don’t even post your full name and people only pick you based on your looks just sounds like a place where really kinky serial killers go to find red heads with blue eyes so they can torture them (me) for a week then put your (my) severed fingers in a deep fryer. Regardless, reducing a human being’s worth to what they look like in 5 pictures and then choosing whether to “next” them or validate them as individuals turns out to be a strangely therapeutic way to pass the time!
I’ve already developed a quick system on how I nope people. My best advice is to have some hard and fast bottom lines on Tinder or any online dating site because you don’t have time to meet every stranger you come across. Have some personal deal breakers set up before you even get started so you can breeze through those profiles. Here are mine:
Guys wearing fedoras. I like to keep to that standard both online and in life.
Guys in front of a step-and-repeat (I’m only being shown LA guys).
Professional headshots (I’m only being shown LA guys).
Guys in tank tops.
Guys wearing tank tops in their professional headshots.
Anything featuring an instrument.
This guy just looks like a handful.
Guys taking their own picture in the mirror.
Pictures with kids in them (are they yours?!).
Except this guy. They look so adorable, and she’s probably his niece.
Nope, definitely this guy. He’s a monster and that little girl is a decoy.
And whatever is happening in this picture.
What’s kind of things do you see on Tinder that makes you nope a person? A man taking a picture with two young ladies eating a phallic object Lady and the Trap style? I hope so!
Here’s a quick life hack (I have a very loose grasp on the definition of “life hack”):
Consider giving your roommate or a family member an approved photo of yourself in case of your unfortunate disappearance at the hands of, no doubt, some male deviant. If your emergency contact doesn’t have a photo they can quickly hand over to the press or to the screen printer, then your “Find Samantha” t-shirts will end up with some random Huey, Duey, and Luey kissy-faced picture that was pulled from your personal Instagram account.
Like what if some journalist published this on LAist.com?
Me as Hipster Ariel on Halloween taking a selfie in a bathroom mirror is not exactly the kind narrative I’d like to have portrayed to the world.
Now this picture:
Aren’t I sweet? I’m wearing matching jammies with a mom who loves me very much! Don’t you want to find me??? My hair is freshly dyed, my face is looking vuuury thin, this is this is the sort of picture you want to use!
Listen, if you’re fighting for your life in the trunk of an old Honda Civic,wouldn’t you at least like the peace of mind that you have full creative control over your disappearance?
My most controversial blog post to date, The More You Know: Men in Sweatpants, is still garnering negative attention from humorless men across the internet over 2 years since its initial posting. (Disclaimer: if you do check out that post, please don’t judge me for the writing or subject matter. It was two years ago!)
I somehow missed this gem that was gifted me last month:
Sorry, Jaks. You’ve underestimated me. Leaving a snippy comment on here is the equivalent of Ms. Banks slipping some Tyra Mail under my door, so thank yewwww.
You might have read Kathryn Gallagher’s name on this blog before as she is my podcast co-host for Wine and Whine, but what you might not know is that she is also my 90’s Teen Witch Moon Princess with the voice of an angel and the brows of a 14 year old Brooke Shields.
Kathryn is a great singer and songwriter, and I could best describe her as T-Swift rolled in flannel and sprinkled with Stevie Nicks fairy dust. My little Rose Quartz Yoga Nymph released the first video from her Sunrise Sessions where she sings a very sexy song to get you in the mood for your evening lovemaking. Watch it, like it, tell all your friends. Then subscribe to her on YouTube and watch her music video for the song “Damaged” that she wrote and performed for the movie Thanks For Sharing which is a film featuring noted juice cleanser, Gwyneth Paltrow and professional aerialist, P!nk.
And listen to Wine and Whine Podcast on iTunes, Libsyn, and Stitcher… Rate/Subscribe/Write a review!!!
Expect to hear:
Golden Globes stories!
Us breaking down whether or not we’ve dated sociopaths!
Kathryn working through her patchy history with dead dogs!
And then more talk of people with anti-social personality disorders!
Find us on iTunes and Stitcher! Rate/Subscribe!
and follow our guest @realsosiebacon but please do not hold that Twitter handle against her, it was an accident.