Oscar Predictions From Someone Who Has Only Seen “Argo”

Performance by an actor in a leading role:
Bradley Cooper, Silver Linings Playbook 
Daniel Day-Lewis, Lincoln
Hugh Jackman, Les Misérables
Joaquin Phoenix, The Master
Denzel Washington, Flight

bradley-cooper-sexiest-man-alive

I hope Bradley wins because I still feel bad for him that everyone got so mad that he was People’s Sexiest Man of the Year instead of Ryan Gosling in 2011. Do I think it was an oversight on People’s part? Sure. Is that Bradley’s fault? Absolutely not. Probably ugly people were complaining all over Twitter saying Bradley wasn’t sexy enough, which I think is just rude and untrue. Who amongst us non-famous cretins would kick him out of bed for eating crackers? I can’t even say with certainty that I’d kick him out of bed for pooping in it. He is that sexy. Oscar for Bradley!

Performance by an actor in a supporting role:
Alan Arkin, Argo
Robert De Niro, Silver Linings Playbook 
Philip Seymour Hoffman, The Master 
Tommy Lee Jones, Lincoln
Christoph Waltz, Django Unchained

I haven’t even seen the trailer for The Master, but I loved Philip Seymour Hoffman in Pirate Radio. 

Performance by an actress in a leading role:
Jessica Chastain, Zero Dark Thirty
Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook
Emmanuelle Riva, Amour
Quvenzhané Wallis, Beasts of the Southern Wild
Naomi Watts, The Impossible

Zero-dark-thirtyI pick Jessica because she has red hair and because it looks like her character is like a Carrie Mathison with better common sense decision making skills.

Performance by an actress in a supporting role:
Amy Adams, The Master
Sally Field, Lincoln
Anne Hathaway, Les Misérables
Helen Hunt, The Sessions
Jacki Weaver, Silver Linings Playbook

I chose Jacki Weaver by process of elimination because I don’t actually have any idea who she is, and I have no time to Google such nonsense. “No” to Sally Field because it freaks me out that she has always looked exactly the same since she was on Gidget. This is not a compliment to how well she is aging, but an insult to her former self that she has always looked like a 60 year-old woman without wrinkles. “No” to Amy Adams because I think her strawberry blonde hair is very non-committal. “No” to Helen Hunt because I don’t like that her and Paul Reiser divorced at the end of Mad About You. A “No” to Anne Hathaway because her acceptance speeches are like the open auditions week on American Idol where I have to constantly look down at my phone and say “Ahhhh, I can’t take it” over and over until it stops. So, congrats, Jacki.

Best animated feature film of the year:
Mark Andrews and Brenda Chapman, Brave 
Tim Burton, Frankenweenie
Sam Fell and Chris Butler, ParaNorman
Peter Lord, The Pirates! Band of Misfits
Rich Moore, Wreck-It Ralph

Brave for the red head girl and because I think Tim Burton gets away with too much.

Achievement in directing:
Michael Haneke, Amour
Benh Zeitlin, Beasts of the Southern Wild
Ang Lee, Life of Pi
Steven Spielberg, Lincoln
David O. Russell, Silver Linings Playbook

ARGO

Nobody. Ben Affleck 4ever!

Best documentary feature:
5 Broken Cameras
The Gatekeepers
How to Survive a Plague
The Invisible War
Searching for Sugar Man

Searching for Sugar Man because it’s about one of Honey Boo Boo’s family members, right? Sounds fun.

Best motion picture of the year: 
Amour
Argo
Beasts of the Southern Wild
Django Unchained
Les Misérables
Life of Pi
Lincoln
Silver Linings Playbook
Zero Dark Thirty

Ar-go Fuck Yourself! Right?! I chose this as best picture because 1. It is the only movie I have seen of the 10, 2. Ben Affleck 4ever, 3. I liked it even though the last 15 minutes gave me so much anxiety that I started Googling on my phone “how does Argo end?”

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16 thoughts on “Oscar Predictions From Someone Who Has Only Seen “Argo”

  1. So congrats, Jacki. I love your reasoning.
    Also, I can’t tell for sure, but do you like people with red hair?
    Ben Affleck 5ever (longer than 4ever).

  2. Interesting choice. I love Bradley Cooper, but Daniel is a Brit so I feel like I should support him, you know solidarity. Although if he or Denzel win then they will be gaining a 3rd Academy Award! I kinda want Hugh to win though. I think they should all get an award!

    I kinda want Quvenzhané to win, cos then for the rest of her life she go up to Academy Award Winners and be like “Hey, you may have an Academy Award (or more than one) but I am the youngest person to ever win one, and I lied about my age to get the part – you hear that kids, lying is good as it gets you Academy Awards!”

    I don’t think anyone deserves Best Animated Film! They missed out Rise of the Guardians – that film was amazing! I think that the Academy should be able to have write-in candidates, then Ben Affleck and Rise of the Guardians can win! The Academy are really missing out!

    • hahaha lying about your age is always a good idea. that’s how Mila Kunis managed to get cast in That 70′s Show. They only wanted actors 18 or older so they didn’t have to have on set tutors, then after they cast her she was like ohhh btw I’m 14 and I need an on set tutor.

      Thanks for commenting!

      • I didn’t know that! I think that’s better than being 30 and playing someone whose like 18/19/20 (Cory Monteith)! He looks 30 not 18/19/20! Don’t they realise there are a lot of younger actors who are that age/look that age!?

  3. What a great post! I giggled all the way through it, reading your deeply thoughtful reasons for why one person should win over another. Like you, I’ve only seen Argo, and like you, I nearly didn’t make it through the last 15 minutes. (And, as a side note, I am completely traumatized that Helen and Paul divorced at the end of Mad About You. Please tell me you’re making it up!)

    • Thank you so much!! Well, the split up, but they get back together years later in a flash forward scene in the series finale. Still traumatizing. Like how Will and Grace stopped being friends for 18 years… Even though they become friends again it was still upsetting for me!

      • I agree with Deliberately Delicious about your deeply thoughtful reasons. As for Helen and Paul- I still remember that Paul divorced Helen because she had become “unkind”. She was never particularly warm and fuzzy so why the sudden change in his opinion?? I’m clearly still upset about this as well.

  4. Hahahaha! I felt the same about Argo. I almost pooped myself… but it was not the sexy kind like Bradley Cooper’s :/
    And so true about the Jessica Chastain reference! The just seems like a movie version of Homeland.

  5. Your reasoning is spot-on with these choices! Especially Bradley. I actually saw three out of the five performances up for Oscar and I pick Bradley because: (a) he was awesome (and beyond gorgeous); (b) Daniel already has two – give someone else a break; (c) neither of these roles are the best work of Hugh or Denzel (I’ve seen Hugh on stage – he can do better and we all know Denzel definitely can); and (d) I didn’t see Joaquin so I can’t comment. Bradley all the way!

    The fact that Ben isn’t up for director is just insane – so kudos on your no-choice stance. Also, Argo is a darn good choice for Best Movie (Life of Pi is up? Really????), but I loved Silver Playbook so I’d be happy with either of them. Sadly, Lincoln will win it because it is Spielberg and it is about a favorite American president so the Academy will heap it with praise. (My niece saw it and thought it was excellent – but also a huge missed opportunity to really dig into Lincoln’s life.)

    • I’m glad we’re on the same page here. And I just saw Zero Dark 30 so I still stand by Jessica Chastain… Maybe I should see some more movies, but I have no time for Life of Pi and Lincoln. NO TIME FOR THAT!!

      Thanks for commenting!!

  6. Pingback: Oscar Best Picture Challenge: “American Hustle” | brunch for every meal

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