There’s nothing more important for a woman than having a good group of girl friends. Personally, I don’t trust a woman who says she doesn’t like other women or doesn’t get along with other women. Have you met all of us? Just speaking for myself here, but I’m not too bad. I’ve gotten real good at secret keepin’ in my old age. Just come over–I’ve got a bottle of Sauv Blanc chillin’ in the fridge, and we can watch every season of SVU on Netflix Instant until you change your mind.
Once I cross you over to the Land of Lady Empowerment– a place paved with the shards of broken glass ceilings (just pour polyurethane over it. Cute DIY, but please wear shoes)– you will notice that there are all different types of girl friends you can have that bring something different into your life. I think the 11 (sort of) most common girl friend types are:
Always Single vs. Always Attached
For a friend to qualify for these positions, their relationship status must be more than just a box they check off on Facebook, it has to practically be a personality trait.
The Negative: You are always either consoling or giving out advice about the significant other in question, or constantly having to partake in sympathetic man-bashing. Always Attached hardly goes out with you anymore, while on Always Single’s back there’s a hidden string you can pull that makes her repeat, “I SO NEED TO MAKE OUT WITH SOMEONE TONIGHT” over and over.
The Positive: When you are single, Always Single is free to go out and loves to tell you that “YOU ARE SO MAKING OUT WITH SOMEONE TONIGHT!!” Always Attached is great when you are attached because now you have someone to go on double dates with while you exclude Always Single.
“Small Doses” vs. Unhealthy Attachment/Borderline Lover
Small Doses is a good person, which is why you keep her around, but when you complain about some annoying thing she did, the other person just nods knowingly and says, “small doses.” You and Borderline Lover became fast friends, and now you’re a little obsessed with each other. People are talking.
The Negative: Ugh! Small Doses is so annoying! And as for Borderline Lover, you two are going to spend so much time together until you get burnt out and she becomes Small Doses.
The Positive: When you only spend a little time with Small Doses, you have such a great time together reminiscing, which reminds you why she was ever Borderline Lover in the first place. Then you start spending too much time together and you remember why she became Small Doses.
Crazy vs. Therapist
Maybe Crazy isn’t really crazy– she just loves attention, even though it’s negative, which I guess isn’t too sane either. Therapist loves giving out advice and fancies herself to be very sane. She definitely owns both a book and DVD copy of The Secret.
The Negative: Therapist might not be great at advice giving, but you have to sit there and listen to her quote The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. With Crazy, you have to suffer the embarrassment of being a party to any of her attention seeking behavior, like when she waits to take her anxiety medication until she sits down at the restaurant where she’s meeting your boyfriend for the first time. That’s always a great icebreaker.
The Positive: Maybe you’re lucky and Therapist is actually good at giving advice. If not, I guess she has some other good quality.
Crazy is fun to go out with and has all the good pills (If you are into that! Not me! DON’T FREAK OUT MOM)!
Partier vs. Responsible
Partier is always out and her mother land is Vegas. Responsible likes to take care of everyone whether you like it or not.
The Negative: Don’t be surprised when Partier leaves you at the club without warning. Responsible will never leave you at the club, but she might not let you leave the club because there will not be a Natalie Holloway situation on her watch (if you are into leaving clubs with strange men. Not me! MOM, DON’T FREAK OUT).
The Positive: So she left you at the club, but did you have to pay to get in? Exactly. Because Partier always knows the bouncer. Just… always have cab money on you when you’re together. Maybe just bring Responsible with you because she always has cab money and is lucid enough to tell the driver where you live.
Hottie, or Too Much Self-Esteem vs. No Self-Esteem
Hottie isn’t just hot, she measures her self-esteem in free drinks. It’s fine that she knows she’s hot, but she wants you to know that guys find her hot, too. No Self-Esteem is pretty self-explanatory, but sometimes Hottie is really a secret No Self-Esteem.
The Negative: No Self-Esteem is always complaining about something about herself, and you are constantly giving her pep talks like it’s the last 30 seconds of a high school football game in an after school special.
Hottie might try to work her boobie magic on the guy you like in a bar even if you already telepathically called dibs on him.
The Positive: Just ride Hottie’s coattails, and oh, the places you’ll go. Remember, the wing-woman gets free drinks too, and you get to hang out with some guy’s wing-man. The wing-man, like the former fat guys, are always nicer and are an untapped gold mine.
There’s no positive for No Self-Esteem. Keep those pep talks coming– it’s not all about YOU.
And Number 11….
The Friend you don’t know why you’re friends with. Seriously, why are you friends with her? She’s awful, just phase her out or something. Right now, you are Britney, and she is TOXIC.