Monthly Archives: July 2012

I Love You, Tom Selleck

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As a child, I had some eccentric interests and behaviors. I know there’s a picture of me floating around in the 5th grade wearing bindi on my forehead and kissing a wooden post on a jungle gym, in an effort to mimic both Gwyn Stefani and Mary Catherine Gallagher at once. Whimsical and economical with my time– how did my parents get it so right with me?

My choices in preteen heart throbs were also whimsical. Obviously I loved the usual Jonathan Taylor Thomas’ and Leonardo DiCaprios because I wasn’t so weird that I couldn’t function in normal society, I just also was a secret freak who enjoyed the gentlemanly appearances of:

Tom Selleck:

Tom in “Three Men and a Baby,” one of my favorite childhood movies other than the “Look Who’s Talking” trilogy.

I was told liking Tom Selleck was weird, but I just think I had the sensibilities of 45 year old. To say “had” is misleading. I definitely still do.

Chris Hardwick from “Singled Out”:

Do you even remember this show? I shouldn’t, I was 7 when it came out, but I’m a 90′s savant.

This was the best picture I could find of Chris in his ‘Singled Out’ days, and he’s actually exceedingly handsome now that he’s not rocking the 90′s male lesbian haircut.

Giovanni Ribisi:

Again, I didn’t know that finding Giovanni attractive was weird until my mother pointed it out recently. I think I find it attractive when men talk like a developmentally delayed child.

And this last one… I shouldn’t tell you think last one, just like my father told me I shouldn’t tell anyone that I think the Olympics are boring, but here it is:

Steve Buscemi:

Now, I know why this is weird. It concerns me, actually. But he doesn’t look so bad in ‘Reservoir Dogs’ does he? I’m sorry, I’m trying to minimize this. I looked at his IMDB page to try and figure out where this vague crush originated from, and the only thing I can think of is it must have started about here:

He hosted when Third Eye Blind was the musical guest!! That must be it!

….

I’m a monster.

Summer Check List: See a Concert

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One day (I’d wager it’s probably at least two full presidential terms from now) on the eve of my wedding, I’m going to sit my fiance down and make him watch me dance and sing along to Gin Blossom’s ‘Hey Jealousy.’ I’ll know we’re meant to be if after 3 and a half minutes of that he’s still wants to spend the rest of his life with me–until his 20 year old mistress doth part us. It’s the perfect test because on Sunday I saw the Summerland tour with Sugar Ray, Gin Blossoms, Lit, Marcy Playground, and Everclear… and let’s just say I was a sight. I sang along to ‘My Own Worst Enemy’ like I was serving up some Say What? Karaoke realness on MTV’s Spring Break.

{Marcy Playground}

I thought it was a great concert, though we left early before Everclear performed because… I don’t know, it’s Everclear.

{Sugar Ray}

I actually can’t remember if I thought Mark Mcgrath was a hottie back in the day, but I tell you, when you see him live on stage… let’s just say he wore those white pants like Labor Day ain’t never gonna come!

 

Don’t You YOLO Me!

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Here’s another post where I tell you about something I don’t like and/or disagree with.

If you’re a friend of the blog, if you’re the Jon Hamm to my SNL, you know that I love personal safety. I can be spontaneous, but only if the threat of bodily harm is remote and contained to freak and unforeseeable accidents. As a child, was I up to taking a late night bike ride to a cemetery Now and Then, style? Absolutely, as long as a helmet was  provided. I just loved the security of wearing my helmet (but I wasn’t a total nerd, I begrudgingly put on my wrist guards when I went roller blading).

This cautious part of my personality is the source of why I hate the term “YOLO” (For my relatives reading this, that means “You Only Live Once”). I get the sentiment, but I think it’s irresponsible. Do we need young adults running around YOLO-ing– trying bath salts and passing around Hep C to all of Arizona State? NO!

Sure, you only live once (though Buddha and Drew Barrymore might disagree with you on that), but I’m still interested in getting through life without a meth addiction.

So don’t you YOLO me, bitch! I will not try your meth!!!

My idea of YOLO-ing (ugh how many more times do I have to type out YOLO? I can hear it  in my head, and I hate it) includes some low stakes bad ass-ery. For example, the other night my friend Jill came over, and instead of getting a male prostitute and REALLY living, we did something a little more our speed and snuck chicken fingers and wine juice boxes into a screening of Magic Mike.

Was bringing outside food and beverages against the theatre’s policy? Hell yes.

Did we see a movie about male strippers? Uh huh, I think we did.

Did I see Olivia Munn’s boobies (that weren’t even kind of necessary to the plot)? YUP.

AND I FELT SO ALIVE.

Brand New Things That Annoy Me

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  • When people say “The only thing worse than *blank* is…” If the end of that sentence doesn’t end in “a nuclear holocaust” or even “a surprise epidemic of children contracting polio thanks to Jenny McCarthy telling everyone that vaccines give babies autism” then I’m pretty sure it can be a lot worse. Just off the top of my head– and I’m just spit balling here– summer cancer might be worse than the summer sniffles. But what do I know?
  • Children coached by their parents on TV. I’m not about to make disparaging remarks about a 7 year old who just had open heart surgery, BUT I’m okay with making disparaging remarks about the kid’s mother. This morning I was watching the Today Show, and Savannah Gutherie was interviewing this kid who was in some Super Bowl commercial and then had heart surgery. He seemed like a poised, well behaved child, and then at the end of the interview he said to Savannah “congratulations on your new job.” This would be adorable if 7 year olds had any concept of social graces beyond “please” and “thank you.” His mother obviously told him to say that and I feel like this kid and his cracked sternum are being exploited by his stage mother.
  • Flesh eating bacteria and zip lines. This is old news, but today I heard about that girl in Georgia who fell off a broken zip line and contracted some flesh eating bacteria from the cut on her leg. Now you can add to the list of things I’m concerned about (which includes riding a bike without a helmet, leaving my tooth brush out on the bathroom counter where germs can congregate on the bristles, and using too much hand sanitizer and thus building a resistance to anti-biotics): zip lines and flesh eating bacteria. I don’t need this!

Things that should annoy me, but I, in fact, find charming:

Mike Tyson!

My New Favorite Bravo House Husbands

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Jason Hoppy used to be my main Bravo man, but ever since season 2 of Bethenny Ever After, I have become very disenchanted with him and B-Town.

{Two miserable rich people}

Let me start off by saying I think Bethenny is a holy terror and should have never gotten married to anyone in the first place, but mostly I’m sick of Jason getting his Skinnygirl Shapewear in a twist every time she gets a Christmas card from Ellen and Portia. Sorry you feel emasculated because you couldn’t buy the boat for your family, but keep sipping on your ‘all natural,’ premixed margarita while you sail through Malibu on the S.S. Skinnygirl and get over it.

I have some new favorite Bravo House Husbands who don’t have wives with multi-million dollar empires built on the poor self image and disordered eating habits of America’s women (but I think if they did, they wouldn’t be such a-holes about it).

Kroy Biermann, Husband of Kim Zolciak, Real Housewives of Atlanta


There are three things in life that get me every time and Kroy Biermann has accomplished all of them on Don’t Be Tardy for the Wedding: 1. Hot dads with babies, 2. When a dad paints his daughter’s nails, 3. When step children accept a step parent as their parent-parent and starts calling them mom or dad (I really can’t explain this last one, my parents aren’t divorced or anything, but that turns my black heart pink ev.ry. time). Besides Kroy being one hot dad who loves Kim’s girls as his own, he also seems to be really tickled by her eccentricities. His wedding vows might as well have said “I promise to let you do you, baby girl.”

Terry Dubrow, husband of Heather Dubrow, Real Housewives of Orange County

Terry and Heather Dubrow are encroaching on Ice and Coco’s status as my favorite reality show couple. I mean, I don’t think they’ll ever steal that spot because another thing that gets me every time is when a former bad boy gangsta waxes poetic about how much he loves and admires his wife– but the Dubrow’s are still a close second. The thing I like most about Terry is that he allows Heather to maintain some independence and is always supportive of her rich lady aspirations (“I’m going to open a restaurant so my friends and I have a place to hang out, Terry!” “That sounds fun, Heather!”). When Heather auditioned for a part in a sitcom that shot for 12 hours a day in some impractical place like Canada, Terry never said, “you can’t do this, we have four kids that are still at an age where they will literally die if they go unsupervised.” He knew that she knew that it wouldn’t work, but he let her make that decision on her own rather than telling her no.

Jason, if you’re reading this (I think he’s reading this) learn something from these men and just let Bethenny be the basket case millionaire she was born to be. Being a stay-at-home dad is a very admirable thing, anyway. Someone needs to make sure that Bryn is eating more than scooped out bagels and Skinnygirl meal bars (’cause you KNOW Miss Frankel is unknowingly instilling some food shame into that kid).