I completed the first thing off my Summer Bucket List, which was to go to a Red Sox game. I actually did this before I wrote the post, which is a lot like putting something on a to do list after you’ve done it just to cross something off, but I’ll take my productivity where ever I can get it.
This is me eating a hot dog:
{photo by Riley, @rileywaff on instagram}
I went to the game with some friends from college, and I don’t know if I’ve paid less attention to anything in my life- it’s up there with when I’d fall asleep in class and I’d look at my notes later and it just said orange 7 or 8 times diagonally across the page.
I was just there for a hot dog, an $8 Coors Light, and some Facebook pictures.
Kelley, Caroline, Riley, Me, Michelle…. that’s my “I haven’t fit into these jeans since 2008″ face…. Just kidding, I wasn’t ready for this picture. But that is true about the jeans.
John Mayer. (Hasn’t Jennifer Aniston been through enough?!)
People referring to their boyfriends as “the boy.”
Tim Burton and Johnny Depp.
Reality stars wearing bandage dresses. We can’t all look good in bandage dresses!
Skinny Perez Hilton. He somehow set a new benchmark on how upset I am by newly thinned out celebrities. The scale is now from a Skinny Seth Rogen to a Skinny Perez Hilton, with Skinny Al Roker somewhere in the middle. I’m offended by how angular his jaw is.
‘Spirit Animal’ jokes. (But if we’re keeping track, Sally Draper is my spirit animal [but not Kiernan Shipka, who I think is a leetle too proud of herself]).
Stop encouraging her, Jon Hamm.
Anchorman 2. Just when everyone gave me some peace and stopped quoting Anchorman 1, Anchorman 2 is coming out. Young white men, you have already ruined this movie for me.
Alternatively:
This vision of class was on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon last night:
I’ve always heard from other writers that you have to go out and have life experiences so you have something to write about. Well, since the inception of this blog, I’ve been— I don’t want to call myself a hermit per se, but maybe living the life of someone just a touch agoraphobic. I’m definitely not agoraphobic, but there havebeen days when the only thing separating me from Howard Hughes was a pair of yoga pants (and not storing my pee in jars). Hence, why I have been posting a lot about eyebrow pencils and Bravo-lebrities.
Today all that changes! I have life experiences and lessons learned that I can write about in a pithy yet heartfelt manner!
It’s about a guy, so brace yourself, it’s about to get all Taylor Swift-y up in here (I bet you thought I was going to say Carrie Bradshaw… Well, I wasn’t. I don’t always have to make a Carrie reference… But if you want to call me Carrie then do what you need to do. Okay, fine. I’m just like Carrie Bradshaw. Now drop it. Drop it).
So I was dating this guy–we’ll call him Jim. I mean, that could be his name. You assume it’s not because I said ‘we’ll call him,’ but who can say? His name may or may not be Jim. (It’s not Jim). Anyway, we were talking for a week, dating for about 3, so all told the interaction was just under a month. Now, I’ll just preface this by saying that we were not dating for a long time, and I have a heart of stone/am not a crazy person, so I’m not terribly distraught over him, but definitely unhappy with the situation and how it made me question the humanity of all people. Or something.
So you can put someone’s face with the name in your head.
So without getting too into it, Jim came on very strong from the beginning until the end. There was no way I could have misread anything he said unless “I’d like to position this [...] to become a relationship” is a sentence completely made up of auto-antonyms (Facebook, April 16). **Is that how you cite a Facebook message according to MLA style?**
There was no game playing, and I had no reason to question his feelings (I mean, I’m a red headed Jewess with a whimsical blog, what’s there to question?), except for a couple red flags, namely, that he kept bringing up his ex-girlfriend. I mean, he was like, calling her the C-word and stuff, but still. Now, I’m exceptional at 3 things (+ a million more things) which are: Figuring out what celebrity a person looks like, 90′s pop culture trivia, and spotting and interpreting red flags. I saw the flags, yet I ignored them. The stakes weren’t high so I went with the flow.
Things kept chugging along until one day he offered to make me dinner. It was a lovely, romantical night (except for a minor tiff about him bringing up his ex again), but then I didn’t really hear from him for two days. I got a text from him saying that while he was at work the day after dinner, he suddenly felt “overwhelmed” with how fast things were going, and how “his heart wasn’t ready for anything serious,” which made me cringe because I hate when anyone refers to their heart like it’s anything but a vital organ (ie. ‘my heart needs mending,’ ‘my heart is fragile,’ etc.).
Besides the unfortunate phrasing, it was a little upsetting, and I felt pretty duped because I wasn’t driving this bus to ‘Serious’ Town –he was– and it’s kind of bewildering and scary that someone can change their mind about you in one moment.
And he had a hot tub… I think I’ll miss the hot tub the most.
Then, next thing I know, he’s back with his ex-girlfriend (which apparently was separate and unrelated to him pumping the brakes with me two weeks before). Just to give you a frame of reference, they have broken up 5 times in 3 years, so clearly theirs is a healthy and loving union. At first, I didn’t get why he would want her (with whom he has major trouble making it work) over me (who is awesome). But, I thought about it, and it actually makes the situation a lot easier to digest, and it made me realize a couple things.
For one, never ignore your gut instinct. If you do, something like this could happen to you or you could end up murdered by a Craigslist Killer, bloated and decomposing in a lake (I saw it on Oprah). To be honest, I don’t know if I would have done anything differently, but it did prove that I shouldn’t second guess myself because I’m right about everything, always.
Another thing I realized is that I shouldn’t take this personally because I don’t think it was about me at all. I’m the center of my own universe, so at first it was like, why did this happen to me, and I didn’t do anything to deserve this. But really, this was about the two of them, and I’m just a footnote in their Sid and Nancy love story. People come into your life for a time, wreck shop, and then go about their business. It’s not about you, it’s about them dealing with whatever mess they have going on in their own life. Everyone is the center of their own universe and serving their own interests. People are disappointing. It sounds cynical, but either way, people are going to let you down sometimes, and it’s important to know it’s usually not about you. And I guess it’s important to realize that so next time when you’re doing you (and you should always do you), you remember who might be affected in the process and then be a little more careful.
So there you have it. Please excuse me while I have a Bridget Jones, ‘I’m Every Woman’ montage.
I know I’m 23 (and a half) so that’s only about 4 years removed from actually being one, but I feel like I’ve always been a 45 year-old divorcee at heart, anyway. Teenagers are the worst. They’re just these little zitty mental patients with no sense of consequence or personal safety.
But God bless them.
They are so resourceful when it comes to getting drunk. Apparently, drinking hand sanitizer —one more time— hand sanitizer is the new way to circumvent the 21+ rule for intoxication.
Again, bless their hearts. They are so, so stupid. Can they really not find anyone willing to buy them beer? Do their parents not have a liquor cabinet to steal from? Or is it just an opportunity thing, like, “eh, found some sanitizer in my mom’s purse, might as well drink it.” I mean, where do they come up with this stuff? I don’t remember being 14, cleaning my earrings with witch hazel and thinking it might be a good idea to take a straw to it. Then again, I did musical theatre when I was a teenager, so maybe I missed out on the crazy public school youth experiences like smoking bath salts and getting pregnant.
I think it’s obvious that we’ve allowed some of America’s children to slip through the cracks. And guess what those kids find in those cracks? Actual crack. If these tiny forgotten souls manage to escape the drugs, they might just end up stripping or in porn. Where I’m sure there’s a lot of crack. It’s a vicious cycle, beginning and leading to crack.
To give you a better example of the kinds of kids that end up in porn or on drugs or at the very least, have no chance of escaping a future of psychotherapy and a string of loveless marriages, I put together a small list.
Children with No Chance of Being Functioning Members of Society:
1. Sophia Grace and Rosie
I think we’ve all been a little irresponsible in our care and keeping of these two little British girls. It’s one thing to give them a viral video, I’ll even grant you one Ellen Show appearance, but I think we’ve gotten greedy. How do you think it’s going to go when these girls are 25 and they realize they peaked at 8? In their formative years they’ve been taught that by performing a rather mediocre version of a Nikki Minaj song they’re entitled to be on TV. I mean Ellen gave them a billboard in LA last week. A BILLBOARD! Why try to cure cancer or become a lady president if a tone-deaf rendition of an age-inappropriate song gets you to the Grammy’s?
2. The 5 Year-Old Daughter of This Woman
I mean, I could probably just stop right here. Anyone who uses that much bronzer does not have the presence of mind to take care of any kind of living organism, let alone a daughter who can grow up to become a serial killer. Anyway, this lady brought her toddler to go tanning and was arrested for it. First, it’s my own personal opinion that unless your kid has some sort of monster uni-brow or other deformity, you shouldn’t allow or encourage them to alter their appearance until they’re a teenager. I mean, they can play with make up, sure, but encouraging your kid to tan (or even spray tan) puts into their head at a very young age that they’re not good enough the way they are, which is just like, priming them for a future as a Hustler centerfold. AND, just the fact that this mother has such little common sense as to let a 5 year-old tan, you know she’s probably letting her sex-offender nephew babysit or something (#toomuchnotenoughjustright? Sowee)
3. Bear Silverstone
So if you haven’t seen this video, it’s Alicia Silverstone (for terrorists who don’t know, that’s Cher from Clueless) and she’s feeding her son, Bear (first problem) from her mouth like a BIRD. Okay, I’m all about letting you do you, but this isn’t even safe! Even if it was sanitary, what are the chances that this kid is going to have a successful relationship with any woman besides his mother?
So a big ‘good luck’ to these little cherubs, and I’d like for them to remember something: One day when someone asks you to be in a ‘documentary about drug addiction’ and they ask you to meet them at a hotel for your final interview… RUN!
