What I’ve Done Today: Part II

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Screen shot 2013-05-23 at 11.08.36 AMAt the end of every day, my roommate and I usually give each other a run down of how our day went. Yesterday, my roommate came home and found me at about 5 o’clock, sitting on the couch with the shades drawn and the TV on mute. I had a lot to fill her in on:

At noon I made a really strong and impassioned statement on defying racial stereotypes by spending $13 on a breakfast sandwich and coffee, proving once and for all that not every Jew is good with their money.

The day only got more productive from there:

At 2pm I came home, sat on the couch and thought about blogging. But just thinking about blogging wasn’t enough, so I put some of my resume skills to good use by being a self-starter and doing some expert multi-tasking.

So I….

Thought about blogging…

….and picked off my gel manicure.

Thought about blogging…

….and thought about exercising.

Thought about blogging…

….and picked at a scab on my chin.

Thought about blogging…

….and read my own blog.

This went on for about 4 hours until I finally got up to go to the bathroom and toyed with the idea of parting my hair in the center because #YOLO

Spoiler Alert!!! Decided against it.

Then I sat back on the couch and looked at the Facebook’s of people I went to high school with and got really smug about how they’re still stuck in our hometown, married with stupid children who ruin their lives and love them unconditionally, and they have their dumb, steady jobs, with no hope of EVER being famous. And it’s just so sad, ‘cuz like LOOK AT ME, I’m in LA. I saw Sean and Eric from Boy Meets World at a cafe once, I have an air mattress, my roommate and I are thinking about auditioning for The Amazing Race, like, it’s all happening.

………..

So after going through that one-woman show/suicide note with my roommate, she decided it was time to go see a burger about some feelings before I started thinking about getting bangs. 968784_4938956914874_1217821939_nIt worked! Look at those happy faces! We love LA, we love a burger, but most of all, we love each other. 

But seriously, how does everyone feel about me and bangs?

I’m a 55-Year Old Divorcee: Part 112

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Sarah Silverman just put my life to music. Just replace the lyrics “weed” with “wine” and “YouPorn” with “The Golden Girls.”

If you’re keeping a log of evidence as to why I’m really a 55 year-old divorced woman, here’s some more proof:

On Thursday, I turned down plans to drink alcohol with people my own age so I could stay in and watch The Office series finale while I had this audible crying fit that only a salt-and-pepper haired Michael Scott could trigger. This is something that hasn’t happened to me since The Nanny was cancelled when I was 11.  

Friday, I spent a couple hours doing a proper, full-body exfoliation and moisturizing treatment, then fell asleep on the couch watching 48 Hours. 

Finally, on Saturday I went out, and I felt like the spritely 24 year-old that I am. Until it came time to decide whether or not to sleep on the floor of the house I ended up in as 20- somethings are so wont to do. And although that floor or couch or bale of hay outside would have been equally as comfortable as the air mattress I was going home to, I ultimately decided that my overnight routine was not something I could just abandon. One night of neglecting to wash my face is not worth the week I would be paying for it– amiright, the cast of Hot in Cleveland?? Valerie Bertinelli knows exactly what I’m talking about.

What I’ve Done Today

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Well, after waking up, making coffee and breakfast, and taking a quick 2 hour nap, I did something I’m not proud of:

RE: Anti-feminism blog written by a woman who asserts that Jodi Arias killed her ex-boyfriend because…feminism

jodiariasfemCan I please have a job now? Things are dark here.

(Luckily, I’m not so far gone or bored that I feel the need to reply back to this).

This exchange brings up something scary (besides my feminist self running around town slitting the throats of young, virile men because I voted for Hillary in the primary election), I realized I was following this woman’s blog. I think I just hit the “feminism” tag on WordPress and just clicked on everything that came up. Who else could I be following? Am I on a list somewhere because I accidentally followed an Al Qaeda sympathizer blog after I clicked on a bunch of blogs with “Jessica Chastain” tags when Zero Dark Thirty came out? Is that how Al Qaeda gets you?!

HELPPPP MEEEEE!!!!!!

48 Hours: OKCupid

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I have begun to realize that if I’m left alone long enough with a bottle of Rite Aid’s finest $3 cabernet, I get an overwhelming urge to join OKCupid. I don’t think that’s a sign of any kind of alcohol problem, but when I finally joined, it definitely felt like I was subletting a finished basement in rock bottom.

OkCupid-LogoI had thought about joining since I moved to LA, but then a few weeks ago on a whim, (wine/whim. Synonyms, really) I actually did it. While I sat on the couch with my roommate, I devised an OKCupid profile:

Profile Question: “What are you most likely to be doing on Friday night?”
My Answer: “Drinking wine while I watch a Golden Girls marathon by myself.”

Profile Question: “You should contact me if….”
My Answer: “….you enjoy feminist rants because it’s kind of my thing.”

That last one is actually just a direct quote from New Girl. You might think I wasn’t taking the questions seriously, but if you know anything about me, you know that if I said literally anything else it would have been a lie.

After finishing my profile, I sat back as the predatory messages from uninhibited men hiding behind computers started rolling in!

The messages ran the gamut from either ignorant, creepy, or very creepy, but nearly every message I got included some sort of comment about the two questions above. Like:

“You’re a feminist? So, you want to castrate me?”

Yes. But just you, specifically.

“I don’t mind feminism as long as it’s not about bringing down men and isn’t in poor taste.”

Awwww. From the mouths’ of bros.

Of the 60 or so messages I got in the 48 hours before I deleted my profile, only two were from people I would consider dating. When I replied to one of those guys, I asked him his experience on OKC. He said the thing that bothered him the most was how many women wore some sort of fake mustache in their pictures. I was all, “uggh, totes, I feel you. My least favorite thing about guys on OKC is kinda like that, except instead of fake mustaches it’s the sexually suggestive comments about your looks that make you feel like an object to be used instead of an actual person, LOL!!”

I started to consider deleting my profile about 12 hours into creating it, but figured I’d keep an open mind and see if anyone good popped up. By hour 48, there was still no person of interest, BUT there was one guy who messaged me that would definitely be a person of interest to the police if I was murdered!

His message was simple and to the point.

“How many shoes do you own and do you like to cuddle?”

And with that, I deleted my profile.

an-honest-slogan-for-okcupid

I would not recommend OKCupid to single women unless you’re interested in the caliber of men that can’t afford Match.com.

If that is your thing, my advice would be to create a profile then discuss with your roommate or next of kin what photo you would like shown on the evening news after your inevitable disappearance. Tell them that anything from your Facebook profile picture album is pre-approved. If you’re just missing have them choose a photo that looks like you, yet still flattering. Something that really makes people want to find you. Now, if they’ve already discovered your charred remains and can only identify you by your dental records– go nuts!! Use the picture from the week after that lucky bout of food poisoning. Remember? Your hair was blonde and you still went tanning. It looks nothing like you now, but let that be the way the world remembers you. You deserve it.

voteforme

Vote for me for “Best Lifestyle Blog” and “Funniest Blog”

Vote for Me!!!!

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 badassblogawards

Thanks to all of your help, I was nominated for Best LifeStyle Blog and Funniest Blog on the Indie Chicks website! So if you want to go over (click on the picture to to be take to the site) and vote for me in both categories that would be fantastic and much appreciated. I don’t think I get anything but validation if I win, but that’s like cash in the bank to a needy comedian.

The Story of My Roomie and Me

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I asked my roommate to write about our relationship and how we got to where we are today. My perspective is in italics…

Dara and I met while pledging a sorority in college. We bonded over pillow fights, our mutual love of fro-yo, and Paul Rudd. Just kidding, I hated her.

Woah, okay…. I was just pretty indifferent towards her, I guess.

I was a sister in the sorority and Dara was a transfer student looking to meet a cool group of girls. Little did she know, these females would dislike her to no end. It was essentially a deep seeded hate for her lack-luster memorization skills and couldn’t give a shit personality.

To give you some context, in the sorority pledges had to interview each sister and then memorize every “sister fact” about their lives, which we would be verbally quizzed on every few days. I tried, but basically, I’m just more of a visual learner, you know?  

And to be clear, I don’t have a give-no-shits personality, JILL. But in this particular scenario I gave very few shits… 

I just remember pretty much everyone having a stick up their butts. We weren’t allowed to drink for almost that whole semester we pledged and we had a curfew. Then they’d make us stay in and do things like decorate paddles til 4 am when I had acting class in the morning. I needed to be fresh for that! When you’re rolling around on the floor pretending to be a cat for college credit you can’t just phone it in!

I’m just saying there wasn’t much incentive to learn every sister’s grandmother’s name when I was essentially paying $250 to get yelled at and do arts and crafts. 

Jill and Me in Santa Monica

Jill and Me in Santa Monica

I finally interacted with her my junior year because we happened to live in the same building. I always saw Dara in the latest Juicy Couture velour jogging suit, and I’m not even joking when I say she was either in that, or fashionable gym clothes 24/7. Homegirl was on a fitness mission, and I didn’t hate it! We sort of bonded at the gym.

What can I say? Little Mama likes to keep it tight. 

Then, Dara had to leave Boston in our final semester together to attend a prestigious comedy program in Chicago. Bleh, we get it. You’re talented.

I swear I didn’t write that… but yes….

I went to Los Angeles the following January and thought our paths would never cross again.

Geez…. never again? Way harsh, Tai. 

Post grad, Dara and I surprisingly kept in touch. It was mostly me fan-girling her hilarious blog, and a few texts back and fourth about unemployment depression and satirical self hate. But then, we attended a networking event together in NYC and something clicked. We had so much fun and began discussing what our life paths would be.

Jill even came to visit me in NH where we saw Magic Mike and smuggled in wine and chicken fingers. 

In late 2012, Dara and I decided to be roommates in Los Angeles.

It kind of came up like, “I want to move to LA.”

“Me too.”

“We should just live together! LOL”

For about 2 months I wasn’t sure if Jill was serious or not, and I think she felt the same way, so we were essentially in a game of roommate chicken. Then at some point we bought a WestSideRental.com membership, and it was suddenly real.

After saying yes, I took a giant step back and realized all I knew about this girl was surface stuff, but I was still willing to live with her because she’s a hoot! I have the most deductive reasoning, don’t I?

I knew very little about Jill except she thought I was a hoot which is all I care about aside from her stealing from me or bringing home guys to do it on my air mattress. So far she hasn’t done either of those things! Thanks, Jill!

We couldn’t be more different. I am completely Type A, essentially getting off on cleanliness and organization. Dara is much more relaxed and free spirited. We are the modern day odd couple, and I’m totally okay with it…For now :)

Ditto!

Dating in LA: Scooter

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Scooter really is his name. Maybe I should have made up an alias for him, but honestly, the name is like, 80% of the story.

So, the two of us were texting before our blind date, and naturally I dropped that I had a blog because, truth be told, this thing is a real dick magnet. Sorry, for the crude phrasing, but there is no better way to put it. This blog is the Greased Lightening of digital media.

Scooter asked if I was going to blog about him.

Although I was entering into this date with an open mind, I knew somewhere deep down the odds were that I would end up blogging about a blind date with a guy named Scooter.

And here we are.

I have no choice. You know who did have a choice? Scooter’s parents. They did not have to name their kid Scooter, practically forcing me to blog about him.

But like I told Scooter, I only blog about people if you give me something to blog about. Bless his heart, he thought I meant if we had a great date, but I set him straight and let him know that this was all in his hands. I only blog about a guy when he gives me 400+ words worth of material (See: 700 words on The Bicycle Thief). Unfortunately for Scooter, I’m already passed 200 words and I haven’t even made it to the restaurant yet.

Scoots and I met at a restaurant in West Hollywood, where the waitresses’ uniforms looked like they were in a production of Newsies at Saint Agatha’s School for Wayward Girls. It was both adorable and uncomfortable.

To get the conversation rolling, I told Scootie-Toots that he looked like Peter from Homeland. 

MV5BMjEyNzk5MjIwNV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwMDA5MzM3OA@@._V1._SX600_SY800_With a cold, dead stare he said, “no, I don’t.” (SOMETHING PETER FROM HOMELAND WOULD SAY).

It was as if I just told him he looked like Mandy Patinkin.

“But it’s a compliment,” I told him. Maybe he thought I meant Mandy Patinkin? “He’s the young guy who works with Carrie on season 2.”

“No, I know who you’re talking about, I just don’t look like him. We’re just both the same age with dark hair. That would be like if I told you that you look like Emma Stone just because you’re both pale red heads.”

K, SCOOTER!

At this point, I’m a little miffed. Obviously, I look like Lindsay Lohan circa Herbie Fully Loaded.

“Right, but I don’t look like Emma Stone and you do look like the guy from Homeland.”

From there the conversation only went down hill. We moved on from him vaguely insulting my skin tone to him flat out pooping on the city where I basically grew up.

“So, where did you go to school?” Scoots-boots inquired.

“Emerson College in Boston.”

“Oh, I spent about 6 months there for a TV show I was producing… Terrible city.”

“You know that those Boston Marathon bombing occurred in Boston, right? Like, two days ago.”

“Ya, it doesn’t make it any less of hell hole.”

It should be noted that Scooter was saying all of this in a pin striped blazer. He was saying this in a pin striped blazer, and this whole time his name was SCOOTER.

Finally, the bill comes, and I made a VERY half-hearted courtesy reach for the check. He looks at it and says to me, “guess what our waitresses name is.”

“Melissa.”

“Worse, Victoria.”

SCOOTER SCOOTER SCOOTER SCOOTER SCOOTER SCOOTER SCOOTER SCOOTER SCOOTER SCOOOOOOOOTERRRRRRR!!!!!

Victoria, if you are reading this, you were perfectly lovely, and those suspenders looked darling on you.

Scooter, if you are reading this, you can’t have that poor of an attitude AND be named Scooter.

Razor Scooter and I have not spoken since.

razor-scooter_main042811

Happy Mother’s Day!!!

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Now that my mom and I live in different time zones, I constantly have to worry about her spoiling my favorite shows.

These are some texts from last night. I think she’s beginning to understand the sentiment #SorryImNotSorry…. she’s so hip.

photo 1 photo 2

Happy Mother’s Day, Mama!

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TGIF with Q. Wallis

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Screen shot 2013-05-10 at 1.29.30 PMDoes anyone have any fun weekend plans?

Me?

Well, Q. Wallis and I are gonna hit up the WeHo United Church of Christ to thank the Savior for this most delicious Friday. Then we’re off to Cabo’s Cantina for happy hour where we will thank Him for our most delicious watermelon margariterrrsss!!!! After breaking a few hundos at the nearest In & Out, we’ll stuff some ones in Q’s Gucci puppy purse and make our way to The Hollywood Men exotic dance revue. It’ll be an early night for my favorite Oscar nominee because SOMEONE has to rest her voice for Annie rehearsals on Monday!!! But that won’t stop us from a little M&M (mani’s and mimosas!!!!) while we read some scripts all Saturday afternoon. Sunday is a day of REST, and NO business talk allowed!!! We’ll watch some old episodes of The Good Wife on my DVR, say a prayer that our favorite dancer, Marc Antunny, gets that kidney he’s been hoping for, and then have a full night’s sleep because it’s RISE AND GRIND on Monday morning!! LOL #hardknocklife #jk #blessed #GetWellMarcAntunny

Amanda Knox Has a Boyfriend and I Don’t…

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…now, let’s find out the “why” of it…

Tuesday night I live tweeted CNN’s Chris Cuomo interview with Amanda Knox. Here’s what ensued:

Screen shot 2013-05-09 at 8.59.41 AMStill true.

Screen shot 2013-05-09 at 8.59.53 AM Cuoms was being really uncool.

Screen shot 2013-05-09 at 9.00.05 AM“WELL THE THEORY IS THAT YOU’RE A BIG SLUT/MURDERER, HOW COULD THEY COME UP WITH THAT IF YOU’RE NOT A BIG SLUT/MURDERER?” – Chris Cuomo and his Bachelor of Science degree in journalism
Screen shot 2013-05-09 at 9.00.18 AM …..things got a little femi-nasty.

Screen shot 2013-05-09 at 9.00.28 AM#tryingtohelp

Screen shot 2013-05-09 at 9.00.39 AM Ya know, if it weren’t for the murder and 4 years in prison, Amanda’s trip abroad would basically be an adorable romantic comedy of errors, where a young woman experiences her sexual awakening abroad. Screen shot 2013-05-09 at 9.00.49 AMSoups on, and I’m stirring up trouble.

Screen shot 2013-05-09 at 9.01.00 AM Do you need a deposit slip so you can take that advice to the bank?

So, this is where I’m at right now.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER!!! @daralaine